Venting I wish I could exist vicariously

[february in alaska]

I got called "creative" as a kid a lot, definitely into all kinds of artistic hobbies, but the more I think about it, the more I realize every single aspect of my "creativity" was rooted in escapism

Drawing, reading, writing, art, sculpting, crafting, watching films, investing my entire life into podcasts and movies and TV series and video games. Especially fantasy. I love being able to completely detach from my life and my situation and my world and be able to go somewhere completely different. Genuinely, the only reason I lasted past 12 years old was because I began hyper focusing on everything that wasn't myself

I think I'm a passionate person. Like, I get real passionate about things. I care about things and people and stories. When I'm passionate about something, I care so intensely that it hurts, I spend every second of every day focusing every part of me on this one singular thing to the point of actual mania

But I'm not passionate about myself, or my life, or my future. I literally just don't care, and the problem is, *my life* is always going to be the biggest part of my life, if that makes sense. So every time I get pulled down from fantasyland and reminded that I exist and I have to live my own life it makes me want to slam my head against the wall. Maybe this sounds a bit like a god complex, but part of me wishes I could just ascend and become some omnipotent observer. Like, I'd much rather be the narrator than the main character, or the cameraman, rather than the person on screen

It sounds so stupid, but the fact that my life is the center of my existence makes me absolutely miserable

Smetimes it really surprises me how much I despise myself. I genuinely feel sorry for anyone and everyone who has the misfortune of interacting with me. Like, even just the few people who end up reading this. I feel like I owe the entire world an apology, I have never left anyone or anything better after coming across it. Everyone in my life who could've had a better sibling, child, friend, neighbor, student, classmate, coworker. It's like I'm some warped puzzle piece that got smashed in the middle, just trying to pretend that I'm part of the whole even though I'm so clearly not. Fuck, man. Every day I wish I could give my place in this world to someone who wants it, or needs it, or deserves it more

I'm sorry. These vents feel so ugly and rambling every single time

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. These vents feel so ugly and rambling every single time

No worries.That is what this place is for.

I kind of feel similar at having been called "smart". It has never done me any real good or led anywhere but here, so it has always felt very hollow.

I think you deserve to be here as much as anyone else.

 

[february in alaska]

No worries.That is what this place is for.

I kind of feel similar at having been called "smart". It has never done me any real good or led anywhere but here, so it has always felt very hollow.

I think you deserve to be here as much as anyone else.

Thanks. I don't think I'm particularly smart but I do think there is something to be said about smart people being miserable or nihilistic. It feels like the more you know, the faster you find out how meaningless it all is