Venting i wish i could disappear

[untildeathdousapart]

It's August now, eight months have passed since my best friend committed suicide. She kept me alive, and gave me hope. I miss her everyday, and it only gets worse. I've never felt as sad and unmotivated as i have these past months. I can barely get out of my bed, and to put it quite blankly, I've given up. Everyone keeps telling me that I can't be that suicidal since I'm still alive. But i want to be dead, I don't want to live, and i have no reason to. Suicide never has a 100% fatality rate, which scares me a lot and leads me to where i am today - rotting in bed thinking of my death but being too much of a scaredy cat to actually do it. It's a horrible feeling. And aside from that, so much time has passed, and I still can't properly process my best friend's death. I often have these urges to message her or send her a funny picture of my dog. But she can't see it anymore. I barely go to her grave. It's one hour away from me, and i truly wish I'd visit more often, it's just so hard. I've given up hope, I have gone through multiple antidepressants and none of them helped. I've gone to therapy for years and have been inpatient multiple times, none of it helped. I don't want to live anymore, I wish I could just clap my hands and disappear forever.

 

[Evelyn Lane]

I hope you can find the relief you seek. I'm sure your friend is in a good place.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to disappear, if it's up to me I'd choose to completely erase my existence. But anyway I wish you the best, existence really is too cruel, I'm sorry you suffer.

 

[ADBoy777]

Feel that tho. I wish it was that simple just like push some button or something and go away

 

[No More Tears]

I've pretty much disappeared from people. I'm in the woods again, and no one knows where I am. If I have to suffer with living this shit life, then I'll suffer on my own terms.

 

[sorrowful]

I'm so very sorry. I lost the man I love to suicide last month. I message him daily, always sort of hoping he'll see it even though I know he won't. Waiting for a notification that I know won't come, driving myself insane almost. I'd do anything for a few more minutes, just so I could tell him how much I really do adore him. Feel guilty in a way. I lost my grandmother who raised me around this same time last year to cancer as well. Two major deaths like that has really been my tipping point. Life can be unforgiving. It still hasn't set in that he is really gone. I keep thinking that I'll wake up, and he'll be there.

I hope that somehow, with the funny ways the universe works, we'll reunite one day, and I can tell him everything that I hadn't been able to.

Much love to you. I hope that eventually you can find some peace, however that may look.