Help I wish doctors had a different reaction - yes, i want to die, no, please don't lock me away

[minx]

I wasn't sure which subforum to post it on, my apologies. I talk about desire to recover, but there is no Venting prefix. Anyway.

I have been thinking about dying a lot lately, not at the planning stage, but researching the methods. For the Suicide Discussion subforum participants, i am right now probably on the lower spectrum of severity. On Recovery subforum, maybe higher. In real life? I worry about getting sent to the mental health ward, given my track record.

How am i supposed to be honest about my feelings and thoughts if all doctors will do is lock me away? How am i supposed to get help if the immediate reaction is to fuck up my career by isolating me for months in a designated hospital? Do i truly have to suffer all my life just for these few moments of respite that don't even guarantee i will be peaceful or stable?

I want to talk about my suicidal ideation and risk, i want to get help, at least right now. I want somebody to know what is wrong with me. I have an appointment in 3 hours and i honstly don't know how much i can say to my doctor without being locked away. Yes, i am a somewhat acute case and getting worse, but is there really no other way? No middle ground, no other reaction? Do i really have to be locked away? I really wish there was another way for me to be taken care of or supported professionally without this.

I get it, lack of personnel, lack of resources, yadda yadda. In the end i am just a statistic and putting me in a boiling pot of mental illness on the ward is easier. But it just. Feels inhumane. I wish there was another way. I need care, but god, i don't want to go back, not now. I don't want to destroy my life again by being absent if i am just gonna go back. At this point killing myself seems like a better option.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I'm not sure if this will help or if I have gotten lucky with the professionals I've seen; I can't guarantee it will work for you. But I've been in the full planning stage with a date (months away) and method chosen and I disclosed to my therapist. For them, having a date meant I wasn't going to do it impulsively aka not a current risk, however for some I could see how having a date could indicate higher acuteness.
I've also been honest and told a psychiatrist straight up that I wanted to be honest, but I was scared to be hospitalized (left out having an actual plan and date since he told me this would lock me up) and I was allowed to go home.
By reading your post, you want help, they should see this as a good thing and less acute. I totally relate to the fear of being locked away, very few people actually want to be hospitalized. Try your best to read the situation, ultimately if you say you're not going to do anything to hurt yourself imminently, they should have no reason to be concerned.

 

[timf]

Up until 100 years ago people had large families and most everyone was connected through siblings, cousins, and other relatives to a huge support network. Today there are so few relational connections that it can leave one quite isolated. As an individual attempting to extract useful help from the rather mechanical medical industrial complex, one is wise to be skeptical.

To improve your odds of finding someone that could help, you might consider asking nurses who they have observed that they have respect for. You might also try people in support groups to see if there is anyone they would recommend or even warn you away from.

You might try to expand your social circle such as with a book or discussion group at a local library, volunteer group, liesure learning class, or even church group. These sort of activities can help keep a perspective in life so that one's focus does not excessively narrow to self, as that can spiral downward.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

It does sound like you could safely disclose. You're very clear that you don't want to die, don't have a plan yet, so I think you could tell them and get help. I hope it works out for you.

 

[minx]

Thank you so much to eveeyone who answered. I got a call back from my doctor today and the first thing they talked about is sending me to the hospital, which only proved my point... I truly do feel like a liability that needs to be locked away. I was about to give up and just let them admit me, but luckily i sort of managed to convince them to wait at least for this week, while they check up on me every day via phone call. Then they said they would think about admitting me next week... Why does this keep happening. I know i have an extensive history with hospitalisations but. They just keep doing this to me.

 

[illmissmydogthatsit]

I needed help so I checked myself into a residential facility not knowing that as soon as I opened up about how suicidal I was, my rights to leave were stripped of me despite me being there voluntarily. I only got out because my parents gave permission. It was a terrible environment, I was treated like a prisoner, and being trapped there even for a few days made me worse. I wish they had other solutions besides locking people up in extremely boring, suffocating, controlling environments that are not conducive to healing. I feel like there is no actual help out there...

 

[Lucilius]

It does sound like you could safely disclose. You're very clear that you don't want to die, don't have a plan yet, so I think you could tell them and get help. I hope it works out for you.

The only help is that which we give ourselves. Everything else is just bureaucracy.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't get why doctors can't find better alternatives to locking people away in a hospital. Do they not realize or even care that doing so could result in a loss of income for the duration of that stay? Maybe there's a way to get approved for medical leave or something like that for extended hospitalizations, but how is someone supposed to do that from the inside?

I'm glad that good doctors who genuinely want to help exist, but finding them is so incredibly hard for so many. Not just for physical illnesses, but mental ones as well. Sometimes it seems like profit is the only thing medical professionals care about, and that the well being of their patients is secondary. Locking people away in mental hospitals can be very profitable I'm sure, especially if you or any other patient sent there has good insurance.

I wish I could say something helpful, but this impulsive reaction doctors get to immediately hospitalize is disgusting to me. The motivations are probably different with every doctor, but sometimes it isn't helpful at all. I'm sorry your doctor keeps trying to do this to you.