_Alfarooq_
Useless bastard almost making the decision to CTB.
- Jul 24, 2023
- 291
This is the story of the severe depression I have been experiencing. But first let me introduce myself. My name is Alfarooq, and I am 18 years old. I live in the UK in Manchester. This story does refer to some thoughts of wanting to die. Here's my story of my difficult life.
I feel that I have decided to make the decision to commit suicide, but I don't feel I want to do it yet, because I still have some hope in this life, so therefore I see death as a last resort. There is a part of me that does not want to give up hope in life yet. I still want to see if there is any hope of living like a normal human being in this life. And I have been depressed for 8 months.
The first thoughts that were going around in my head are that I have let people down a lot, including my parents, and I am guilty, I keep making embarrassing mistakes, I feel that I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me seems to be succeeding in life except for me, I feel like I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? It is like life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. I am currently failing an A level and I can't cope with my parents yelling at me, so I'm thinking of ending it to escape it all. This 8 months lasting depression is all my fault.
Everyone in this society pay no attention to the happiness of others, some accuse me of doing bad things, which offends me the most, and I'm tired of getting offended and bullied so I prefer to stay away from people and all gatherings.
I procrastinated a lot. i procrastinated so much for the past 9 months and my A level exams are in 4 months, the procrastination got so bad that I don't even know what studying is anymore, and I am in big trouble since my parents are gonna get furious once they find out that I fail soon. And I am an aviation enthusiast and my dream is to be an air traffic controller in the UK (or in any other country, it doesn't matter) But I can't understand why I am procrastinating like this. Because I will not be able to pursue my dream at all if I don't survive this A level, but I'm wondering if I even need it. And the thought of the fact that I may never achieve my dream job is what seems to depressing me the most. And I have been asking my self why when I was studying for my GCSEs a year or 2 ago I wasn't feeling like this, but eventually figured out that I wasn't depressed then. I was alright and was smashing it. If only I felt the same way now. I think I am depressed because it just seems that life is made hard for me.
I always think of performing suicide using sodium nitrite, but I still have some hope in this life, so I don't want to get my hands on sodium nitrite yet.
And I never told anyone that I wanted to die, as I had no one to trust. But neither would I care if anyone found out. And the help I feel I need is I was considering a form of therapy or something like that, probably at my local GP.
I just miss 2022, 2022 was a gift to me then. I went on holiday on that year. But this year, everything is going against my favor. I guess Monty Python was right in his song lyrics:
"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true."
Life REALLY IS a piece of shit, and is a joke, he's really right lol. It's really nice when you find a song lyric that exactly describes what your going through.
Here is the song: (go to 1:45)
I feel that I have decided to make the decision to commit suicide, but I don't feel I want to do it yet, because I still have some hope in this life, so therefore I see death as a last resort. There is a part of me that does not want to give up hope in life yet. I still want to see if there is any hope of living like a normal human being in this life. And I have been depressed for 8 months.
The first thoughts that were going around in my head are that I have let people down a lot, including my parents, and I am guilty, I keep making embarrassing mistakes, I feel that I am too dumb for this world, everyone around me seems to be succeeding in life except for me, I feel like I will not make it in this world at all. I will never succeed or be able to do what I always wished to do. So what's the point of living? It is like life is for those who are able to make use of themselves. Those who have a good future in their life. Those people deserve to live. I don't. I have no motivation and no chance of success. It's not like I deserve to live anyway. I am currently failing an A level and I can't cope with my parents yelling at me, so I'm thinking of ending it to escape it all. This 8 months lasting depression is all my fault.
Everyone in this society pay no attention to the happiness of others, some accuse me of doing bad things, which offends me the most, and I'm tired of getting offended and bullied so I prefer to stay away from people and all gatherings.
I procrastinated a lot. i procrastinated so much for the past 9 months and my A level exams are in 4 months, the procrastination got so bad that I don't even know what studying is anymore, and I am in big trouble since my parents are gonna get furious once they find out that I fail soon. And I am an aviation enthusiast and my dream is to be an air traffic controller in the UK (or in any other country, it doesn't matter) But I can't understand why I am procrastinating like this. Because I will not be able to pursue my dream at all if I don't survive this A level, but I'm wondering if I even need it. And the thought of the fact that I may never achieve my dream job is what seems to depressing me the most. And I have been asking my self why when I was studying for my GCSEs a year or 2 ago I wasn't feeling like this, but eventually figured out that I wasn't depressed then. I was alright and was smashing it. If only I felt the same way now. I think I am depressed because it just seems that life is made hard for me.
I always think of performing suicide using sodium nitrite, but I still have some hope in this life, so I don't want to get my hands on sodium nitrite yet.
And I never told anyone that I wanted to die, as I had no one to trust. But neither would I care if anyone found out. And the help I feel I need is I was considering a form of therapy or something like that, probably at my local GP.
I just miss 2022, 2022 was a gift to me then. I went on holiday on that year. But this year, everything is going against my favor. I guess Monty Python was right in his song lyrics:
"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true."
Life REALLY IS a piece of shit, and is a joke, he's really right lol. It's really nice when you find a song lyric that exactly describes what your going through.
Here is the song: (go to 1:45)
