Venting I will never want to live

[conquest_gold]

The other night I felt happy. Pure, genuine happiness. I was content and warm and felt wonderful. I allowed to myself to relax into the feeling and enjoy it while it lasted because I haven't felt that in a long, long time.

But my only thought in this was "it would be nice to die feeling like this. I'd like for it to be my last memory."

Even in my brief moment of bliss, I wanted to die. People say it gets better and the feeling passes, but it didn't. I know this was just a small moment, but shouldn't the thought have at least left me for it? Just one moment without thinking like that?

It made me realize that I will just simply never want to live. I don't think I was meant to. I hope I'll have the courage to end this feeling soon.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to do this kind of thing to myself- when I had moments where I was feeling happier- I'd ask myself- 'Do you still want to die? Are you still ok with dying early?' I've never come back with a 'no'. Even when things are going ok, I know it isn't sustainable and personally speaking- it doesn't feel like enough anyway to compensate for all the shit we have to go through.

Plus- then I start to think about what death likely is. If we're here one minute and gone the next- it's not going to be a decision I can even regret. Plus- I'm not a big one for regret anyway. I've always made the decisions that felt right at the time. If only it was easier and guaranteed to work.

 

[FuneralCry]

I would never as well and I also don't see myself as being meant to, in my case permanently ceasing to exist is all that feels right and is desirable. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.