I will kill myself in 2 days

[goodbyeimoutt]

Hey just found out that i haven't received a scholarship for the schools i applied to even though we are poor (they are given based on need). it was the only reason i haven't ctb'd yet but i will %100 use SN and already bought everything i need incase things went south (they did). All i am waiting is for my little brother to leave home to visit his friend in 2 days. As soon as he walks out of that door i will kill myself. Opened this post just to vent, please don't tell me that things will get better etc.

Also just want to make something clear, i am not killing myself just because i haven't been granted a scholarship. This was more like my last attempt to live a normal life. I got abused as a child and lived through the worst things possible but always thought of my future and how i will live every bad thing behind when i grow up just to push myself each day to live. My coping mechanism was convincing myself that someday i'd escape this nightmare i guess. I am from a third world country so things were already hard for me to begin with. When you add getting mentally and physically abused from your father (and watching your mother go through the same thing everyday) ever since i know myself i guess i was just delusional to expect a good future. I always tried my best to hide away my pain (i was the kid that wore sweaters in summer so people wouldn't see the marks on my body) but i wish i talked to someone. Well, it's too late now anyway. Can't wait to put an end to my life :)

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

Hey just found out that i haven't received a scholarship for the schools i applied to even though we are poor (they are given based on need) lol it was the only reason i haven't ctb'd yet but i will %100 use SN and already bought everything i need incase things went south (they did). All i am waiting is for my little brother to leave home to visit his friend in 2 days. As soon as he walks out of that door i will kill myself. Opened this post just to vent, please don't tell me that things will get better etc.

Also just want to make something clear, i am not killing myself just because i haven't granted a scholarship. This was more like my last attempt to live a normal life. I got abused as a child and lived through the worst things possible but always thought of my future and how i will live every bad thing behind when i grow up just to push myself each day to live. My coping mechanism was convincing myself that someday i'll escape this nightmare i guess. I am from a third world country so things were already hard for me to begin with. When you add getting mentally and physically abused from your father (and watching your mother go through the same thing everyday) ever since i know myself i guess i was just delusional to expect a good future.

How long ago did this information arrive? You may want to consider waiting if its still fresh news.

I'd also like to add that you could take out a bunch of loans, go to the schools you want,then CTB after. Either way you won't have to pay back the debt so why not wait it out?

 

[spanishguy22]

Things will get better... for everyone else.

Ok i'm being mean, should try and get some sleep.

I'm honestly getting fed up of reading heartless shit in every other post now. Idk what's happening in this forum lately.
If you're gonna post useless hurtful shit, and you're aware it is mean, maybe dont post it? I know genius.

OP I don't know what to say other than I hope you find peace soon. Hug.

 

[jake3d]

I'm honestly getting fed up of reading heartless shit in every other post now. Idk what's happening in this forum lately.
If you're gonna post useless hurtful shit, and you're aware it is mean, maybe dont post it? I know genius.

Nobody's spotting the ironic smiley face? Oh, yeah, I forgot to add it. I didn't want to be that mean. Have deleted the post. Peace!

 

[goodbyeimoutt]

How long ago did this information arrive? You may want to consider waiting if its still fresh news.

I'd also like to add that you could take out a bunch of loans, go to the schools you want,then CTB after. Either way you won't have to pay back the debt so why not wait it out?

I received the news yesterday but i was preparing myself for the worst so did my research before. Where i'm from we don't have student loans as big as other countries. For example my tuition would be 9.000 euros or so when you convert and as far as i've managed to research no bank would give a 19 year old a loan that big. Wish i could take out a bunch of loans but it looks impossible. I had to skip a year because my mom was finally getting out of the house so i had to work to help her and my brother so i'm already a year behind.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I received the news yesterday but i was preparing myself for the worst so did my research before. Where i'm from we don't have student loans as big as other countries. For example my tuition would be 9.000 euros or so when you convert and as far as i've managed to research no bank would give a 19 year old a loan that big. Wish i could take out a bunch of loans but it looks impossible. I had to skip a year because my mom was finally getting out of the house so i had to work to help her and my brother so i'm already a year behind.

OK sorry I didnt understand the difference in financial aid programs abroad. Is it possible for you to attend another school or an online university in the US? Did you have your heart set on a particular program abroad? I know a lot of people who have attended US community colleges and state universities from Russia, and other places abroad. That made it possible for them to have access to cheaper education and the financial aid here. However I don't know the criteria to qualify.

I'm sorry you are disappointed and having difficulty with trying to pursuing your life goals. I understand what its like to feel stifled and I hope you can find some options to help.

All I ask is that you let some more time pass. Allow yourself to move from the initial disappointment to the place of acceptance. Maybe you will find some other way. If not I pray for peace with your CTB decision.

 

[goodbyeimoutt]

OK sorry I didnt understand the difference in financial aid programs abroad. Is it possible for you to attend another school or an online university in the US? Did you have your heart set on a particular program abroad? I know a lot of people who have attended US community colleges and state universities from Russia, and other places abroad. That made it possible for them to have access to cheaper education and the financial aid here. However I don't know the criteria to qualify.

I'm sorry you are disappointed and having difficulty with trying to pursuing your life goals. I understand what its like to feel stifled and I hope you can find some options to help.

All I ask is that you let some more time pass. Allow yourself to move from the initial disappointment to the place of acceptance. Maybe you will find some other way. If not I pray for peace with your CTB decision.

Thank you so much for being this kind and giving solid advice. It truly means a lot to me. There are state universities in my country but they are very bad people often say that it is better to not spend time studying there. Good ones are private and they cost money as well. Basically i'd need money for whatever school i go, even if it's abroad i heard that they require quite a lot of money in your bank account to prove you can actually afford living there.

Ever since i was born i felt nothing but pain. I really don't know how it feels to be carefree or happy. So i am really tired, just want to get things over with. I wanted so much to go to university but i wish i picked another goal that is more managable when i had the chance. I didn't know life would be get this hard and cruel. As i said, i can't wait to kill myself and finally feel how it feels to be happy.

 

[Ashpac]

Ever since i was born i felt nothing but pain. I really don't know how it feels to be carefree or happy. So i am really tired, just want to get things over with.
I didn't know life would be get this hard and cruel. As i said, i can't wait to kill myself and finally feel how it feels to be happy.

I know this feeling too well, im sorry youve had it bad too. I hope you find peace.

 

[Soul]

What are you planning to study? I went to a state university where people wrote "U of X diplomas: take one!" above the toilet paper dispensers. But in my field the quality of the education depended way more on what I put into it than what the university provided. And it led to an exchange program that got me out of the toxicity I was living in, and I never went back.

Can you try a state school for a year and see what it might open up? You've got your ingredients on hand, so there's no rush, right? You can use them later just as well.

Whatever you decide I wish you well.

 

[Vidar33]

"but i wish i talked to someone. Well, it's too late now anyway. Can't wait to put an end to my life :)"

Why is it too late to talk?

 

[goodbyeimoutt]

"but i wish i talked to someone. Well, it's too late now anyway. Can't wait to put an end to my life :)"

Why is it too late to talk?

I meant to talk to someone when i was a kid. I always tried to suppress my emotional trauma and if i talked maybe someone could help me. I remember one day my dad nearly broke my arms when i was 8 years old or so when i was trying to separate him from my mother so he wouldn't hit her. Next day when i went to school i wasn't even able to hold a pencil due to pain. I pretended to fall from stairs in front of my teacher so i could blame that when he asked me about it. Lots of little things like that really broke my spirit each and every day. Now that i lost my only chance to live a normal (well, at least to me) life, no point in living for me anymore.

 

[Nobodysfault]

I received the news yesterday but i was preparing myself for the worst so did my research before. Where i'm from we don't have student loans as big as other countries. For example my tuition would be 9.000 euros or so when you convert and as far as i've managed to research no bank would give a 19 year old a loan that big. Wish i could take out a bunch of loans but it looks impossible. I had to skip a year because my mom was finally getting out of the house so i had to work to help her and my brother so i'm already a year behind.

A year behind who? These social standards are different in every country.
In my country people begin their college degree at 24-30 years old.
Im 24, non of my friends went to college yet.
Also, when i was 18 i got 2000 dollar loan from the bank so you still got a chance.
I cant believe i say this but take it easy, youre only 19 and still got time to get on track with everyone else.
BTW my country had the best doctors, scientists and more.

 

[stillwoozy]

I wish I could help. If I could, I'd pay for all the schooling you seek lol. I feel like I'm on a similar boat as you, I'm also 19, a year behind, and about to go to college, but no money for it and I know I'm going to be in so much debt.

I hope you can find peace, I just wish it didn't have to be via ctb <3

 

[not_a_robot]

Hey just found out that i haven't received a scholarship for the schools i applied to even though we are poor (they are given based on need). it was the only reason i haven't ctb'd yet but i will %100 use SN and already bought everything i need incase things went south (they did). All i am waiting is for my little brother to leave home to visit his friend in 2 days. As soon as he walks out of that door i will kill myself. Opened this post just to vent, please don't tell me that things will get better etc.

Also just want to make something clear, i am not killing myself just because i haven't been granted a scholarship. This was more like my last attempt to live a normal life. I got abused as a child and lived through the worst things possible but always thought of my future and how i will live every bad thing behind when i grow up just to push myself each day to live. My coping mechanism was convincing myself that someday i'd escape this nightmare i guess. I am from a third world country so things were already hard for me to begin with. When you add getting mentally and physically abused from your father (and watching your mother go through the same thing everyday) ever since i know myself i guess i was just delusional to expect a good future. I always tried my best to hide away my pain (i was the kid that wore sweaters in summer so people wouldn't see the marks on my body) but i wish i talked to someone. Well, it's too late now anyway. Can't wait to put an end to my life :)

Best wishes and Bon Voyage. I hope you win the lottery in the next two days but barring that, I hope your plan goes smoothly.

 

[goodbyeimoutt]

I wish I could help. If I could, I'd pay for all the schooling you seek lol. I feel like I'm on a similar boat as you, I'm also 19, a year behind, and about to go to college, but no money for it and I know I'm going to be in so much debt.

I hope you can find peace, I just wish it didn't have to be via ctb <3

Hey, wish i could pay for yours as well :) Think from the positive side, you will at least have the chance to get a good education. Yes you will be in debt but it will pay for itself eventually and you will always have your diploma to lean your back. I always think that money spent for education is the best investment one can make, it sucks that some of us have to pay for it (for example it is literally making me end my life) but you gotta do what you gotta do :) I wish i could take loans but today i got rejected by 2 banks. This further made me confident in my decision. I can't wait to finally be free

A year behind who? These social standards are different in every country.
In my country people begin their college degree at 24-30 years old.
Im 24, non of my friends went to college yet.
Also, when i was 18 i got 2000 dollar loan from the bank so you still got a chance.
I cant believe i say this but take it easy, youre only 19 and still got time to get on track with everyone else.
BTW my country had the best doctors, scientists and more.

I cut my father out of my life and my mother is poor and in debt because my piece of shit father took all her life savings so she can't co sign me (not to mention i have a little brother so i want her to focus on him, not me). All the banks in my country requires a person to co sign if the receiver doesn't have a stady income. I thought about a lot on getting on track but i'd be lying to myself to be honest. I spent my whole life convincing myself that things will get better. Now i can speak from experience that it won't get any better. Thank you for taking your time tho, means a lot :)

Best wishes and Bon Voyage. I hope you win the lottery in the next two days but barring that, I hope your plan goes smoothly.

Thank you :) Read quite a lot about the method here so i hope everything goes smoothly.

 

[disassociativesloth]

May you find peace in whatever comes next.

 

[Ruffian]

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. I would bet there's a huge amount amount of people in the states who face this predicament and are also in debt up their asses in the states. I'm talking 6 figures for careers where the starting salaries are a fraction of what it would take to pay the loans off within 5 years. It makes a lot of people really unhappy.

 

[goodbyeimoutt]

May you find peace in whatever comes next.

Thank you so much :)

 

[Mariomcfly]

Goodbye brother wishing you peaceful travels will soon see you in the other side.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Already took my antiemitics, now just waiting for tomorrow :)

I'm so sorry that you had such a bad experience while here on earth. I think the afterlife will be much better for us.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Already took my antiemetects, now just waiting for tomorrow :)

Good luck, I'm sorry you didn't find another way. May you find peace and rest.

 

[Alec]

Good luck. I also am going to kill myself because nothing in my life works for the life that I want. I'm 22 and all my life the only way I got through the day was because I told myself one day I'm going to live the life that I want. And recently I found out it's bassically impossible, and I'm saying bassically because it is possible just like 1 in a billion chances so no, it doesn't seem possible. And I'm just so tired of pain and fear and loneliness, im exhausted, completely drained. I'm saying this to let you know you are not alone in this boat, im in the same one as you, maybe a bit different but still pretty much the same. We are in this together and we both suffer from this world's stupid rules. All I can really say now is, Good Luck! Whatever you choose, wherever you end up good luck and I'm with you! I believe the next life will be better, if we want a next life, lets hope for it!

 

[Soul]

@goodbyeimoutt, I wish there were some way to make things better without suicide, but if you're sure about your decision and comfortable with it, I hope everything unfolds the way you want and that you find peace and light.

 

[Nobodysfault]

I cut my father out of my life and my mother is poor and in debt because my piece of shit father took all her life savings so she can't co sign me (not to mention i have a little brother so i want her to focus on him, not me). All the banks in my country requires a person to co sign if the receiver doesn't have a stady income. I thought about a lot on getting on track but i'd be lying to myself to be honest. I spent my whole life convincing myself that things will get better. Now i can speak from experience that it won't get any better. Thank you for taking your time tho, means a lot

So how ctb will resolve any of these stuff? A tombstone and a funeral cost a lot of money and your griefing mother wont neccesarily be able to take care of your brother. Dont get me wrong, im prochoice and what youre dealing with sounds horrible and me and everyone on this forum are here to listen, advise and support you.
You seem smart to me, smart and clear minded enough to face reality and know that you will start college a year or even three later but you will do it and its more than good enough for you,your mother and your brother (again, on my country people start college at 24++), i know college isnt the reason you want to ctb, i realize the whole thing, yet i think that this option of starting college to 'give life a shot' is still 100% there.
you didnt get a scholarship and need 9,000 euro.
Since this is your shot and solution for maybe fixing life then ctb'ing now means In other words that it isnt your life story that killed you because on your way to solution money is what killed you. NAH, you can still get it. How about funds like gofundme? What about move abroad and work for 2 years (while sending money to your mothe) and than starting college?
Sorry, really. I know how it feels to be so down and hear what seem to sound optimistic annoying words i say, but man im realistic I dont think you are a lost cause, all you need is to figure out a way out and you've got time.
You have dealt with harsh reality for your age, seeing what you saw and experiencing what you describe isnt the fairytail life disney is selling us, believe me dude i am NOT optimistic but i do see you grow out of all of the shit your going through.im sorry but i really do see a way out for you.i see you leave the area you live in and work or study,help your mother and brother financially and become a 'normal' person and live life.

Please send me a message ill try to figure a way out for you