I will CTB today. Goodbye.

[bun]

Goodbye, I hope you can find your peace, my deepest condolences to you and your abuse.. you've endured so much, and its time for a well needed rest, you deserve peace.

Lots of love, Bun.

 

[Limerance]

I'm already suicidal again..
It's really hard to find a method again now that my family won't give me any space or privacy really since my attempt. I don't know when I'll get my next chance, if at all.
They took away some of the stuff I needed for my hanging attempt, too. Like my ladder. And added locks to the doors downstairs where they kept that stuff anyways. So I can't even hang..
I'm going to just use the excuse that I'm going for a walk tomorrow and use that time to see if I have it in me to jump. I have a bridge picked out already. I hope I can do it. I don't want to keep living.

It's been a while since I visited this site regularly, and just today I come back after about 4 months and find your post.

I can relate with you, not even just the abuse or the need to CTB. Instead, how this post went from "Everything's fucked" to "I'll be alright" and back to square one so quickly. I was diagnosed with BPD, MDD and PTSD about 4 years ago, and learning to keep up with these swings has been a wild ride to say the least. It sucks, but you can eventually learn to ride it better, and this comes from someone who's still in the thick of DBT, medication, and everything.

What you mentioned in your post-hospitalization comment is basically what keeps me going. Remembering how nice people can be and what they can do for others despite their own struggles is something strong to connect to. Trying to do the same, seeing yourself in the same light as you saw the people that visited you or sat with you during group therapy can be huge.

Since you mentioned it, I'd like to suggest you look into therapists specialized in DBT and try it again. It really does make a world of difference. I know it can work for you because it did for me, and reading you feels like reading myself, even today. It might suck to read this, but you do need to push through it a lot of the time. Still, it's definitely worth it. I know I've had a ton of thoughts about dropping out, but I'm glad I haven't.

And if everything goes to hell again, a mindset that's helped me is: "The more violent or sudden my impulses are, the more I should take a couple days to process it". You'll find it's often enough to cool down and set your sights on something that can help.

I hope you get to read this, and also that you're feeling a bit better and that the wave of emotions has settled at least a bit. Holler if you need to talk, sometimes venting can be a ton of help.

And remember, you're not your thoughts and emotions. Try seeing them as external stuff that comes to you: worst case scenario, you learn a lot about how your mind works.

 

[__overlord_00]

I

Most important person in my life for so long finally cut me off today. It has broken me. It feels so cruel. Recently I realized she has been abusing me for as long as I've known her and it's hurt so badly. I finally had the courage to bring it up. She finally decided to cut me off after that. It hurts so badly. I can't understand any of what she did. It all feels so cruel. I'll never understand it.
I knew this was going to happen but it still hurts just as bad as i feared. It honestly might hurt even worse than that. I can't handle it.
I'm currently lying in bed with the noose above me. I tested it. It should work. At least I hope it does. I gave myself a small taste of FSH, just stepped off and back onto the ladder to see what it feels like. It really, really fucking hurts. But not enough to stop me. I can't live with the hurt that she has cursed me with. I can't live knowing everything she did. I just can't do it. I have to die today. I'm so, so sorry.

Goodbye forever friends. I hope you all find peace.

Feel you...but I suggest you take a couple days to really think about your decision, life is difficult, and your life can never be understood that well by anyone other than you yourself. You can always reach out to people you trust, cry, scream, but think properly...with a calm mind.
Do you want death, or not...

I'm with your choice. Take care