Method I will be gone soon...

[Return2themoonlight]

Hello Everyone, I'm new to the site but admire the way everyone is accepting of this decision. I am mentally and emotionally drained to the point where I constantly put on a facade to make it seem like im happy with life even though my greatest wish is to no longer exist. The weight people would put on another shoulders is highly unbearable and I CAN NOT deal with it anymore. I was inches away from ending it all 6 months ago and nothing has changed but I've finally came to the decision that regardless of the repercussions others will face(Mainly my mother) I have to end my existence, it would make life better for everyone around me. I've only lasted this long because I couldn't and didn't want to abandon her but now that im 26 I know my time is near. I've seen my own death, I've known how and somewhat when ever since I was 8y old and its drawing closer and closer. It no longer scares me but what does scare me is leaving my mother not knowing if she'll truly be cared for in the way she needs. To the point I cry at the thought of how she would react.... but I still know that Im going to CTB and how. I'm severely allergic to ibuprofen and anything with it in it and the last time I took it I was in the 5th grade and the paramedics said 2 things that always stuck with me. (1) If I had caught the bus to the hospital( Which me and my mom was going to do but I literally stopped breathing as we began to walk) instead of calling thm I would've RIP,d within the next 5 minutes and (2) If I was to ever take anything with Ibuprofen again it would mean 100% certain death.... I apologize for the long post but ultimately I've come to the decision that that's how I'll CTB. Anaphylactic Shock as it would be the quickest and least painful way to go. I still have a month or so before it's time but I would appreciate it if anybody have any thoughts to share or questions about my situation and mindframe. I will be happy to share my life and experiences before I leave as this is the only place I believe I can be truthful and honest without be ridiculed or judged for my life and trauma or at least not in the way people in my life would react.

 

[Sleeper System]

A lot of us are doing are best to hold on for the sake of our mothers. It's sad but also sweet in a way.
It's harder to live for someone than it is to die for someone.

I always felt slightly durable about the fact that I didn't have any major allergies.
Now, I wish I had something that could kill me for sure like your situation.
I would actually breathe a sigh of relief knowing that fact.
The idea of just getting all my affairs in order, taking out a bunch of loans, giving the money to my mom, taking a trip to some beautiful remote place, and downing an entire bottle of ibuprofin seems like a beautiful dream.

I try my best to believe that when people come to the conclusion that they want/need to ctb that I shouldn't insult their choice or resolve by trying to talk them out of it. Still, 26 years is so young. It's tragic it has to come this but a few moments of pain sound better than a life time of being somewhere you don't want to be.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

A lot of us are doing are best to hold on for the sake of our mothers. It's sad but also sweet in a way.
It's harder to live for someone than it is to die for someone.

I always felt slightly durable about the fact that I didn't have any major allergies.
Now, I wish I had something that could kill me for sure like your situation.
I would actually breathe a sigh of relief knowing that fact.
The idea of just getting all my affairs in order, taking out a bunch of loans, giving the money to my mom, taking a trip to some beautiful remote place, and downing an entire bottle of ibuprofin seems like a beautiful dream.

I try my best to believe that when people come to the conclusion that they want/need to ctb that I shouldn't insult their choice or resolve by trying to talk them out of it. Still, 26 years is so young. It's tragic it has to come this but a few moments of pain sound better than a life time of being somewhere you don't want to be.

I appreciate your words and trust me when I tell you I wouldn't feel insulted if you did try to talk me out of it, that's the main reason im here as the closest person to me would constantly talk me out and succeeded for the most part. But as time moves closer to my D-day I've realized the true reason im still here and that's my mom. And yea, I am young but im young with absolutely nothing regardless of how much I try. No license, friends, gf, house ,absolutely nothing outside of taking care of my mom but I can say you did give me an idea to take out a lot of loans and give it to my mom so she would be well taken care of and for that I highly appreciate your words.

 

[rozeske]

I wish you all the best and whatever you decide I hope you find your peace soon

 

[Return2themoonlight]

I wish you all the best and whatever you decide I hope you find your peace soon

Thank you I highly appreciate it.

 

[new2blue]

I said this before in another thread, but I wish I had died younger. I am in my early thirties, and over the last five years I have gone downhill drastically. I never tell anyone what they should do, only that they should give as much thought as they can to their decision.

Speaking of life experiences, what is your favourite memory? :)

 

[Return2themoonlight]

I said this before in another thread, but I wish I had died younger. I am in my early thirties, and over the last five years I have gone downhill drastically. I never tell anyone what they should do, only that they should give as much thought as they can to their decision.

Speaking of life experiences, what is your favourite memory? :)

Highly appreciated I will give as much thought to it as possible until im staring at the moon with my pills in hand.

Im not go lie just thinking of my favorite memory just made me start crying but it would be me promising my granny, as her dementia started to affect her memory and sight on reality, that I would tell her what's real and what wasn't and her having complete faith in me. She would never believe anyone or listen to anyone over what was real unless it was me. It was hard to see, as my grandma was the closest person to me like she was my world and the faith she had in me no matter how far gone she was made me happier than I've ever been and will ever be She isn't here anymore but the memories and laughs and tears I shared with her at tht time will always and forever be my greatest memory/memories.

 

[new2blue]

Highly appreciated I will give as much thought to it as possible until im staring at the moon with my pills in hand.

Im not go lie just thinking of my favorite memory just made me start crying but it would be me promising my granny, as her dementia started to affect her memory and sight on reality, that I would tell her what's real and what wasn't and her having complete faith in me. She would never believe anyone or listen to anyone over what was real unless it was me. It was hard to see, as my grandma was the closest person to me like she was my world and the faith she had in me no matter how far gone she was made me happier than I've ever been and will ever be She isn't here anymore but the memories and laughs and tears I shared with her at tht time will always and forever be my greatest memory/memories.

Such a beautiful memory. Thank you for sharing it with me. She trusted you so much. Now, that is what love should be. Trust, regardless of what you can offer to someone. The ministry of presence, unwavering in spite of hardship.

I suppose I should return the favour. My favourite memory is my sister and I both wearing the same pair of pants (each in a different pant leg) jumping and shuffling from one end of the house to the other without being noticed by my mother (Who would yell at us if she noticed because we were wrecking the pants). We were so close as kids, even now, but we live far apart. One time she laughed so hard she peed and it went all over me and I was horrified. We probably sound like weirdos but it was all innocent and childish and pure. I miss being a kid. Life was better then. I could have lived for a thousand years if I never grew up. I was lucky to have that, a good family.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best of luck.

 

[Return2themoonlight]

Such a beautiful memory. Thank you for sharing it with me. She trusted you so much. Now, that is what love should be. Trust, regardless of what you can offer to someone. The ministry of presence, unwavering in spite of hardship.

I suppose I should return the favour. My favourite memory is my sister and I both wearing the same pair of pants (each in a different pant leg) jumping and shuffling from one end of the house to the other without being noticed by my mother (Who would yell at us if she noticed because we were wrecking the pants). We were so close as kids, even now, but we live far apart. One time she laughed so hard she peed and it went all over me and I was horrified. We probably sound like weirdos but it was all innocent and childish and pure. I miss being a kid. Life was better then. I could have lived for a thousand years if I never grew up. I was lucky to have that, a good family.

That is absolutely a wonderful memory. I appreciate you sharing it with me. The innocence and love we had as kids is something im sure most wish they still had I was a loner and favored over and didn't realize how much it affected me til I got older and seen what others had that I didn't. To have a good and close nit family is an outright blessing especially to those who no longer has or never had that as a child, teen, and or adult.

I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best of luck.

Thank you I highly appreciate your words