I will always be a coward

[dust-in-the-wind]

I will be 56 years old next week. Another year down filled with the horrors of major depressive disorder. I have had years where meds worked, (until they didn't anymore) which is the only reason I have made it this long. Prolifers would call me a survivor but the truth is I am a coward with so many excuses as to why I haven't attempted but yet I want to die so badly.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I understand what you mean because I will soon be 52 too. But I don't actually think I'm a coward. I mean, doing CTB is the hardest thing in the world, and the fact that you can't do it easily is absolutely normal. Don't blame yourself, try to let yourself be guided by events, and you will see that when you have made your decision, you will know exactly how to leave.

 

[rs929]

It is very difficult to kill yourself. I have recurrent depression and I am so afraid of having this quality of life for many years. How am I going to work and sustain myself? I don't know. But I still need to be prepared.
Do you think that time might eventually heal your depressive episode?

 

[alwaysalone]

I feel like a coward as well. I've been so close sooooooo many times but I just couldn't take that final proverbial step. As for excuses yeah I have a million+ of those too.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

It is very difficult to kill yourself. I have recurrent depression and I am so afraid of having this quality of life for many years. How am I going to work and sustain myself? I don't know. But I still need to be prepared.
Do you think that time might eventually heal your depressive episode?

This is the longest episode I have had, about 2 years now. I've been hospitalized, tried countless meds and ECT. I am basically bedridden and nonfunctional and have lost hope of it healing with time.

 

[rs929]

This is the longest episode I have had, about 2 years now. I've been hospitalized, tried countless meds and ECT. I am basically bedridden and nonfunctional and have lost hope of it healing with time.

Any luck with an MAOI (Parnate, Nardil)?. That seems to be the last trick up my psychiatrist sleeve. Seem many pdocs are hesitant to use them. But I guess it's not so bad to remove cheese and alcohol from your diet if it actually works.
It seems that our bodies get "used" to meds, for some reason. What helped you before?

 

[wham311]

Would be interested to see the big 5 in regards to successful suicide attempts vs suicidal without attempt etc, imagine it's completely down to neuroticism.

Which is a huge reason why a lot of us are here in the first place.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Any luck with an MAOI (Parnate, Nardil)?. That seems to be the last trick up my psychiatrist sleeve. Seem many pdocs are hesitant to use them. But I guess it's not so bad to remove cheese and alcohol from your diet if it actually works.
It seems that our bodies get "used" to meds, for some reason. What helped you before?

My psychiatrist did mention these recently. The problem right now is I have to wean off the meds I'm on first then be on no meds for 2 weeks before taking an MAOI. I'm just so tired of all this medication and want to give up.

 

[diopdawe]

This is the longest episode I have had, about 2 years now. I've been hospitalized, tried countless meds and ECT. I am basically bedridden and nonfunctional and have lost hope of it healing with time.

I can totally relate to this. I have major depressive disorder for 2 years now. I spent 6 months in a psych ward, they tried me on all the antidepressants and antipsychotics, I did 8 ECTs and nothing helps. Right now I am on 5 meds (2 antidepressants, 2 antipsychotics and Clonazepam) and they dont help either. I just want to give up.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

The suicide rate increases with the age, I guess the survival instinct subsides when it has no biological function any more. I am confident that time is working for us.