I wasted years on an idealistic idea, my only regret is not committing CTB sooner.

[SadShroomie]

I grew up as the middle child in a narcissistic run household, unfortunately I was chosen as the "punching bag" I always thought that I had a duty to protect my siblings, after all of my parents weren't yelling at me they would turn on my siblings. I never wanted anyone else to go through what I was going through, so whether I liked my siblings or not I felt I had to protect them from the hell I experienced. Every night I would beg god to make me a good child so that my parents would love me, or even just hug me one single time. I did many things to try to earn their love, but I realized very early on that it didn't matter what I did, I was always going to be in the wrong. I assume that's why I took that sort of "protective" stance, my tiny brain was trying to find any reason for my existence, anything to grasp onto to keep myself alive. In reality I had written hundreds of suicide notes, all with the same "I deserve everything that happened to me because I am a bad kid who is the spawn of satan" and "please forgive me for not being a good daughter" well now that I'm older and understand my situation, my only lasting regret will be that I begged for love I knew I would never receive for YEARS of my life. I wasted years on nothing, I could've ended my life at 8, 10, 16, any time before this. I wouldn't have had to suffer this long if I didn't have that stupid idealistic idea of being "the protector" well I'm finally ready to let go.

 

[Namensjemand]

And you punish your parents! It sucks how parents can fundamentally screw your head. You seem pretty aware of it. It is sad for them to have still such power over your choices.