I was throwing my life away wanting him to love me

[FireFox]

Last week I got accepted into two UK universities for the the law masters course I always wanted to study but never had time. Both of the universities that accepted me are top of the league tables and highly ranked for law. I am still deciding. I am still in shock as I never expected this to happen. I was expecting a rejection because 2023 bad things have been continuously happening to me

I visited one of the universities for the day to see the facilities they have, mixed with the student population asking them questions about the university and I absolutely loved it. On here I have shared my story of me falling in love with a 55 year old man and how he ended up not only breaking my heart but humiliating me at work.

Being there at the university the campus is so beautiful and I realised I was throwing my life away wanting this loser man to notice me and love me. When I was at my job all I cared about was having a future with him and kept drawing up plans on how it was going to work and for him to fall in love with me. I didn't care about the grey hairs on his head as time went on I no longer noticed his age I fell in love with person he is( or thought he was). I didn't want any other man I wanted him.

The man I feel in love with is total loser only now I realised I have more life accomplishments than him. The man didn't even go university and just job hopped from one job to another then another. It is so werid while I was in school studying for my A levels the man was too busy enjoying himself with multiple women. He had a job in the largest bank in Europe and he was not even working in banking. He was doing customer complaints handling. He has been on/off 20 years with his older gf and gets with other women including employees in the company once the relationship breaks up. I found out it was clear he saw me as a threat.

Tha man is a coward who cant even stand up for himself even at an early age he was pushed around and failed to win fights. He used to cry to me about how his brother has been bullying him. I have won more fights than him. At school when I was being builled I stood up for myself and smacked the arseholes bullying me. In the workplace he was hiding behind our boss and let our boss speak for him. The man lies about me and then avoids me at work.

I can't believe I was throwing away my life wanting this loser to love and notice me.

 

[uniqueusername39]

glad for you to have realized this. good luck chasing your dreams!

 

[sheleftme1]

I understand where you are coming from empowering yourself but I don't fully know the guy you are referring to and as someone who is the guy that got dropped by the girl for not being good enough I'll say you never know what's happening in someone's head. He may be a loser to you… or you may need to call him that to empower yourself to keep going. But the world we live in is hard for us all… and I don't know if the right mindset is to judge someone that has not figured out things themselves either. Jmo

 

[FireFox]

I understand where you are coming from empowering yourself but I don't fully know the guy you are referring to and as someone who is the guy that got dropped by the girl for not being good enough I'll say you never know what's happening in someone's head. He may be a loser to you… or you may need to call him that to empower yourself to keep going. But the world we live in is hard for us all… and I don't know if the right mindset is to judge someone that has not figured out things themselves either. Jmo

@sheleftme1 I thought he was a really nice awesome guy but by the time I realised that I feel in love with a lying two faced cowardly manbaby it was too late . He knew I liked him but he choose to be dishonest about his relationship status.

He made my final days at work pure hell with his behaviour. He the biggest manbaby I have ever met. I thought people this age behaved themselves and thought he would more mature because of age.

When I was a teenager I used to get panic attacks and they stopped in my mid-20s. Then my panic attacks came back because of all the pain he caused me.

He is a loser and a manbaby the more I learnt about the life he has been living.

 

[sheleftme1]

Again I understand and I won't tell you not to use this as fuel I'm just saying as someone who can be called a crybaby and someone who lost the love of my life being confused about how to make her happy while dealing with my own mental health… I don't know how a person finds "happiness" because I fail at it all the time… and maybe his way hurt you… but as hard as life is I don't judge people anymore for how they find their way. I hope people don't hurt each other but I don't judge anyone that does anymore

 

[FireFox]

Again I understand and I won't tell you not to use this as fuel I'm just saying as someone who can be called a crybaby and someone who lost the love of my life being confused about how to make her happy while dealing with my own mental health… I don't know how a person finds "happiness" because I fail at it all the time… and maybe his way hurt you… but as hard as life is I don't judge people anymore for how they find their way. I hope people don't hurt each other but I don't judge anyone that does anymore

@sheleftme1 Virtual hug I wish you well

 

[SoftWorries]

Again I understand and I won't tell you not to use this as fuel I'm just saying as someone who can be called a crybaby and someone who lost the love of my life being confused about how to make her happy while dealing with my own mental health… I don't know how a person finds "happiness" because I fail at it all the time… and maybe his way hurt you… but as hard as life is I don't judge people anymore for how they find their way. I hope people don't hurt each other but I don't judge anyone that does anymore

I totally understand where you're coming from but OPs dude sounds like a bad one. Cheating with other people and such.

Crybabies rock. I like that my boyfriend cries easily. I hope things feel better for you and that you cry lots of happy tears x

 

[sheleftme1]

My

I totally understand where you're coming from but OPs dude sounds like a bad one. Cheating with other people and such.

Crybabies rock. I like that my boyfriend cries easily. I hope things feel better for you and that you cry lots of happy tears x

ill never be happy again… I lost the only person that has ever made me happy. And ur right he sounds like a pos but I also can't judge that because to me I don't know the formula to happiness and this guy probably doesn't either. No idea what kinda trauma lead him to be that way and as someone who has made mistakes… I try not to judge anyone's outlet. Life sucks and it's hard and to be honest if there was a better formula for everyone we wouldn't have this site. I can't judge anyone's struggles and I think we tend to do that selfishly feeling that we are the only people that have some type of trauma response. Sometimes the response is to become a liar, sometimes the response is to be a cheater, sometimes the response is to be a thief. Everyone in this life is doing life for the first time and it sucks to have to convince yourself to not judge people… I'm living breathing hate my life with a passion person and it's only because this one girl decided she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me. Some men fear that so much they fill that fear with multiple women or icing themselves off… is that the right thing to do? Honestly if you asked me before I'd say heck no… but as someone who literally wants to die because I got attached to a woman that believed in the beginning she loved me and then left… I'd rather have never allowed myself to be attached

 

[SoftWorries]

My

ill never be happy again… I lost the only person that has ever made me happy. And ur right he sounds like a pos but I also can't judge that because to me I don't know the formula to happiness and this guy probably doesn't either. No idea what kinda trauma lead him to be that way and as someone who has made mistakes… I try not to judge anyone's outlet. Life sucks and it's hard and to be honest if there was a better formula for everyone we wouldn't have this site. I can't judge anyone's struggles and I think we tend to do that selfishly feeling that we are the only people that have some type of trauma response. Sometimes the response is to become a liar, sometimes the response is to be a cheater, sometimes the response is to be a thief. Everyone in this life is doing life for the first time and it sucks to have to convince yourself to not judge people… I'm living breathing hate my life with a passion person and it's only because this one girl decided she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me. Some men fear that so much they fill that fear with multiple women or icing themselves off… is that the right thing to do? Honestly if you asked me before I'd say heck no… but as someone who literally wants to die because I got attached to a woman that believed in the beginning she loved me and then left… I'd rather have never allowed myself to be attached

Aw yeah that makes sense

 

[FireFox]

glad for you to have realized this. good luck chasing your dreams!

@uniqueusername39 I still have not proceeded the news as I am in shock. When I visited the university all I thought was "they said yes to me." I had to read the acceptance letter over and over again.

The beginning of 2023 has been the absolute worst year for me month after month things kept going wrong and I just gave up all hope of nothing good happening for me. I even reached a stage where I thought the next bad thing was coming along and I needed to be ready to avoid disappointment.

Here is a list of all the things that went wrong for me this year

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/2023-has-finally-driven-me-to-kill-myself.116852/

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so happy for you that you found your way through this. The actual firm you worked for sounded pretty cut throat. It doesn't surprise me to hear it was a law firm. A friend of mine once worked for a law firm and they were ruthless by the sounds of it. Maybe not all are but I don't know.

Anyhow- I'm so glad that you gave yourself the chance to gain this retrospect on the situation. It's amazing that you have these university offers- it's impressive that you continued with the application process despite all this going on. It can't have been easy. I wish you all the very best. I hope this is a good new chapter in your life.

 

[FireFox]

I'm so happy for you that you found your way through this. The actual firm you worked for sounded pretty cut throat. It doesn't surprise me to hear it was a law firm. A friend of mine once worked for a law firm and they were ruthless by the sounds of it. Maybe not all are but I don't know.

Anyhow- I'm so glad that you gave yourself the chance to gain this retrospect on the situation. It's amazing that you have these university offers- it's impressive that you continued with the application process despite all this going on. It can't have been easy. I wish you all the very best. I hope this is a good new chapter in your life.

@Forever Sleep I actually worked for a charity which is a housing association which provides housing to poor people. The charity preached always about equality and diversity but the organisation has become more corporate in rescently years as it gotten bigger through merging and taking over other housing associations. I worked in the complaint handling department regarding repair works.

The housing charity calls the low income residents customers and outsources its services a lot for repairs. The image has become so corporate.

Before I got fired my boss blamed me for the problems in the department I was in. Weeks later after getting the department I worked in was involved in a public scandal which got reported in the press. An investigation was carried out by the housing Ombudsman into the department and it found the complaint handling process by the department has a serious of failings and the residents are suffering as a result of the poor service offered. The report exposes the housing association maladministration and poor practices done by employees in the department.

The investigation was carried out by the housing Ombudsman because the residents kept going public on about the poor service offered by housing association and its the role for Ombudsman to look into this. The residents regularly left 1 star reviews on trustpilot exposing the poor service they have received, other residents have gone to their elected MPs and councillors and also the media too. My department even had a media team to respond to the residents going to the media.

Seeing the news coverage of the scandal felt like justice. Justice for me getting blamed for everything. I dont feel sorry for my work colleagues overall. The way the senior management and my colleagues have treated me i can't feel sorry for them. They deserve they everything get.

 

[Againstthewind]

There we go!
I had mentioned to you before that one person isn't worth all the pain and stress in the world, yet you pushed on and now have a brand new opportunity! That's resilience right there, you should be proud of yourself!
happy for you

 

[Unattainable666]

I am soooo proud of you for having the courage to see beyond his facade. You deserve so much more. I don't know how old you are, but if you are much younger than a 55 year old, you definitely don't need him!!! He has his own issues. Go on to university become who you were meant to become. Stand strong and proud.

 

[Das Nichts]

While I congratulate breaking this cycle and moving forward this is worded extremely insensitive.

The man I feel in love with is total loser only now I realised I have more life accomplishments than him. The man didn't even go university and just job hopped from one job to another then another.

Because it implies everyone needs an academic carrer to not be a loser or an asshole for that matter.

 

[FireFox]

While I congratulate breaking this cycle and moving forward this is worded extremely insensitive.


Because it implies everyone needs an academic carrer to not be a loser or an asshole for that matter.

@Das Nichts He is a Fucking loser in so many ways and he caused me so much pain. My family, friends and other people all agree too once it came about him. He caused ne so much pain and mental stress with his lying and gaslighting and turning the workforce against me.

• He is man baby being around it was difficult at times. I thought an older man would be more mature.

• He owns no property and he owns nothing. He sold the only property father left him. His gf has property aboard and gives him money.

• He spent his entire life being on/off with for over 20 years with the same woman. He gets with other women when he breaks up with his partner. How the fuck can you be on/ off with someone for 20 fucking years. It is either you are together or not ? What the fuck

He was even telling me how he finds he "werid" seeing all the women he slept throughout his life now married with children and kids of their own.

•The man is a coward who cant even stand up for himself even at an early age he was pushed around and failed to win fights. He used to cry to me about how his brother has been bullying him. I have won more fights than him. At school when I was being builled I stood up for myself and smacked the arseholes bullying me. In the workplace he was hiding behind our boss and let our boss speak for him. The man lies about me and then avoids me at work.

• He is the eldest brother and he allowed his own members of his family to bully him( younger brother). I am the eldest sibling and if my little sister dare tried to bully or disrespect me I will fight back. My sister and I are close. She knows I am boss. If you are an elder sibling and can't fight back then I pity such people. The eldest is supposed to be the strongest.

• He is a fucking male Karen. The arsehole picked up the phone to lie and whine to OUR BOSS about how I make him feel uncomfortable. He is tall as a fucking sky scrapper and he is telling management a small 25 year old fucking scares him.

•He was to cowardly to be honest with me until I caught him being dishonest about his complex relationship. He used the workplace management to fucking terrorise and humiliate me once I worked out what he was doing.

He made my life pure hell and caused me so much pain. I am still hurt. Only now I realise I wasted my life wanting him to be love me.

I will call him a loser as much as I want. I hope he dies alone. I hope the lying piece of shit fucking rots alone in a care home.

 

[whoevencares]

@FireFox
So i have yet to have a GF who didnt cheat on me. And all I wanted was simple trust.
I let every single one of them get to me and it was terrible. I knew I was better than that letting others get the best of me but I couldn't help it. All i wanted was for once to feel safe with someone.

And it kinda clicked, fuckem. People like that are not worth the time or effort to even think about anymore. Do what youre good at and be as successful as possible. There is no reason to even think about these type of people.

 

[FireFox]

I am soooo proud of you for having the courage to see beyond his facade. You deserve so much more. I don't know how old you are, but if you are much younger than a 55 year old, you definitely don't need him!!! He has his own issues. Go on to university become who you were meant to become. Stand strong and proud.

@Unattainable666 I am 25 years old and I turn 26 on Saturday. I never fallen in love with an older man before. I loved him because I thought he was an awesome guy and I liked the attention he was giving me and always running to help when I had problems at work. We used to have so much fun I never wanted to end

All my life guys my age group ignored me and always overlooked me. it felt soooo great to have a man finally see me for once. I liked how he was always there, issuing compliments and reciprocating them when I compliment him. I really wanted him to love me and a future. I was stupid I know and made mistakes.

Out of all the work colleagues he was the one who ended up causing me so much pain and mental stress with his lying and gaslighting and turning the workforce against me. He kept lying and acting like the vitcim it was so disgusting to experience. The last time I saw him at work he looked at me as if I was a stranger and someone who never seen before. He even had a desk next to the room where our boss was telling me off and criticising me. He sat there pretending to work and acting as if "nothing to see here"

It was so painful to experience because this was someone I loved. He painted me to be this irresponsible immature young woman besotted with an older man and our boss believed his lies without looking at the evidence.

I have learnt a lot from this.

 

[unnormal9]

The title of this thread reminds me of my past, doing the same thing then. Deep rooted repression and severe contribution to my illness nowadays.

I can't believe I was throwing away my life wanting this loser to love and notice me.

I said the exact same thing, last year, after meeting comrade Ryan.

 

[FireFox]

@FireFox
So i have yet to have a GF who didnt cheat on me. And all I wanted was simple trust.
I let every single one of them get to me and it was terrible. I knew I was better than that letting others get the best of me but I couldn't help it. All i wanted was for once to feel safe with someone.

And it kinda clicked, fuckem. People like that are not worth the time or effort to even think about anymore. Do what youre good at and be as successful as possible. There is no reason to even think about these type of people.

@whoevencares I can not cope with male rejection so the hurt and pain just keeps building and building.My own father rejecting me makes me feel so inadequate never enough and sometimes I think there is something wrong with me because I was the child that got rejected. My father walked out on us and he stared a new family with another woman these people lived in the same city and the neighbourhood was in the same city borough I grew up in.

When I love a man I fall so deeply in love and I feel its all or nothing. When a man rejects me it feels like the end of the world and I will never find anyone. All my life I had these feelings

. My family never ever taught me how to deal with male rejection. My family believe in bullshit called "everything happens for a reason" and always used the pharse whenever I got upset about anything going wrong in life. All the pain I felt from male rejection these feelings never stop tormenting me. In adulthood it was finally become unbearable.

The title of this thread reminds me of my past, doing the same thing then. Deep rooted repression and severe contribution to my illness nowadays.

I said the exact same thing, last year, after meeting comrade Ryan.

@unnormal9 I am glad you can relate to my thread. Who is comrade Ryan?

 

[unnormal9]

@unnormal9 I am glad you can relate to my thread. Who is comrade Ryan?

A former U.S. soldier.

 

[FireFox]

There we go!
I had mentioned to you before that one person isn't worth all the pain and stress in the world, yet you pushed on and now have a brand new opportunity! That's resilience right there, you should be proud of yourself!
happy for you

I never used to believe in the pharse "be careful "what you might get it" then it happened to me

Every work meeting I always felt out of place and I struggled with the job role but I ignored these feelings . I really wanted things to work out for the best and be the good employee I know I can be. All I wanted was to stay until my employment contract term came to an end which was scheduled to be in May. I do not believe in quitting all my life.

Before I got fired my workplace organised an office day where the team met for the day. At this office meeting I finally began to acknowledge these feelings. When I looked at my work colleagues as they spoke all I thought in my head was "what are you staying for, what are doing here.?" Then It finally hit me that I wanted something else a change in my life. I realised I can't live like this for 10-20 years. In that room all wanted was May to come already so my employment can come to an end.

5 days later I got fired by my boss. The day I got fired I was deeply disappointed and so embarrassed because I got fired from my first ever full time job however many minutes later feelings of relief and europhia began to kick in.

My final days at work was pure hell

• I had an older woman work friend( late 40s) who gossiped about me her gossip spread. Her betrayal was so painful and I trusted her.

• Boss blamed me for bringing nothing but problems in the department and just kept brutally criticising me for how I am a bad employee, my immaturity and all my workplace mistakes. Only after I got fired it came out publicy the department is poorly run and all this is happening under my boss leadership.

• The man I loved put me through so much pain, made my final days hell and I wanted him out of my life completely. He was my workplace ally and losing him was difficult. In the end I was alone

Now I realise I finally got I wanted the man no longer in my life and to be free from that job as I felt trapped, out of depth all the time and not fulfilling my my true potential.