Venting I was supposed to ctb on my birthday and now I regret not doing so.

[HerPromise]

I'm new to this site but I've been wanting to ctb for years. I was originally planning to hang myself on the 17th of August which happens to be my birthday and it was also the day my account got approved. I've been planning this for months now and literally, the day before I'm able to actually do it, my grandmother has a heart attack. The day right before I'm planning to free myself from this world, something happens. And even when my birthday came, I still wanted to do it but with how stressed and upset the rest of my family was, I just couldn't. And I'm so upset about it. I didn't want to be seen as a jerk for committing suicide when my family was already stressed for my grandmother. Btw my grandmother is fine now and the surgery was a success. But god, why did it have to happen right before I was planning to ctb? In a way, I feel like this is just the universe messing with me. Because all I wanted was to leave this world on the day I was brought into it. And I couldn't even have that. Now, the date has been changed to the 25th of this month but I'm still upset about it. Like yeah it's close to my birthday but it's not the way I wanted to go. But oh well, at least I'll be free from my suffering nonetheless. And I do know that my family has already been stressed with the heart attack my grandmother suffered and what I'm going to do will make them stress even more but I just can't live another day on this planet. And besides, my parents never got me any help when I was younger. I literally had to be hospitalized just so I can finally have therapy which was more damaging than healing due to how insensitive the therapist was. But now as an adult, I've given up. I'm not going to waste my time anymore just to have my efforts go in vain. And honestly, I'm really only worried about how much this will affect my siblings as they were the only ones keeping me going in the past years. I love them but I can't handle my misery anymore.

Sorry for the rant. Just had to get this off my chest.

 

[TheMetalhead]

Sorry to hear you struggling so much.. life is not predictable, I went through the same thing when I tried to CTB on the day I was supposed to go with my beloved girl on a little vacation...
If you're truly going to do it anyday soon, I hope you find the peace you've been searching for all these years.
Good luck borther

 

[Worndown]

I am sorry your grandmother had a heart attack. Nothing good with that.
This did change your schedule, but that is not an ultimate problem. We all have plans that get interrupted. CTB is no different. You have a new date, work toward that goal. Take the time to make sure everything is ready and you have enough alone time to be successful.
Best wishes!

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all existence is unpredictable and uncertain which is why it's difficult to make plans but I understand why you'd feel upset. Anyway I wish you the best with your plans.