Venting I was starting to get better

[butterfly3]

i'd really appreciate if anyone could read this whole thing. I know it's long but pls bear with me. so i've always dealt with mental issues, mainly anxiety during my early teens, but it got significantly worse in the summer of 2020, and I haven't got better since. it's just been a rollercoaster, but I started uni last year and things were starting to look up. I moved to a new city, started making new friends and having new experiences and a more adventurous life. of course I wasn't better, but I was on a healing journey at least. 2023 seemed to be the start of a new life for me, i was finally beginning to have hope that i would get a happy life that i have always craved. it wasn't until this summer that things came crashing back down on me again. midway thru summer, my family experienced a financial crisis, my dad went back to hospital due to complications with his health, and I got scammed online and lost a bunch of money. then I started uni again, I was like ok, this is a chance for life to improve again. but since starting, things have got even worse. I live far from my friends this yr so I rarely see them nor my family. I just spend my days laying in bed, barely eating, barely awake, barely seeing daylight. then I went out clubbing with my friend as I hadn't left the house in ages and it was a great opportunity to finally get out of the house. worst mistake of my life, because long story short, I ended up getting raped. he only stopped having sex with me because he got irritated by my crying. i feel like shit because I let him have sex with me again after the rape. mt thought process was "he already took my virginity and innocence, it's not gonna change anything if we have sex again, and I can always kill myself afterwards". not just that, but this academic year so far has been so drug riddled. cocaine, weed, alcohol, nicotine etc. so many substances just to feel something. I feel ashamed for doing them but I can't take it back now.
I am just so done with life at this point. a little over a year ago, I was in the worst state of life and attempted and I was in the hospital for a bit. now, I can't help but wish that the attempt succeeded. I was so close to achieving my goal of dying. I low-key miss 2021-2022 whwre I had no hope in life, cus at least I wasn't kidding myself. 2023, I thought life was looking up, but I guess that was a silly prank played on me by whoever is watching above.
i really thought life was on the path to getting better so I stopped thinking so much about death. I'm so stupid for thinking that life could get better because at the end of the day, for me it doesn't. it remains awful, and i'd be kidding myself if I told myself everything would be fine.
all I ever wanted was for someone to love me, to desire me, to treat me like a princess, to spend time with me, to sacrifice for me. I crave that so deeply, it's been my deepest desire for so long, but i've never got it, not even close. instead, I get men who only want to use me for sex. I don't think life is for me. it's so over

I feel weird for missing 2021/2022 as in the moment, those years were horrible. I hated every lonely miserable second, but at this point it's better than now. yeah I was depressed, lonely and I had no one, constantly thinking of suicide, but at least things were simpler and more innocent than now.

 

[Yaffle]

Sorry, you've had such a crap time, especially being raped, that's horrific. Even though you slept with him again afterwards No means No, did you report it or is that a non starter for you?

Regarding the substances you're quite right, you can't take them back. Got to put them down to life experience I'm afraid, are you clean now?

You're not meeting anybody at all, let alone the right people, there are countless men that would love you to be their princess just as you desire. Don't rule out that you'll find one of them!

My blunt question for you is what do you desire most, a better life or no life? If you want a better life you need to seek help everywhere you can, including here. We're all here for you!!!

 

[Adûnâi]

I really wish I were you, I will never experience either friendship or human touch, let alone drugs. Can we switch places?

 

[butterfly3]

Sorry, you've had such a crap time, especially being raped, that's horrific. Even though you slept with him again afterwards No means No, did you report it or is that a non starter for you?

Regarding the substances you're quite right, you can't take them back. Got to put them down to life experience I'm afraid, are you clean now?

You're not meeting anybody at all, let alone the right people, there are countless men that would love you to be their princess just as you desire. Don't rule out that you'll find one of them!

My blunt question for you is what do you desire most, a better life or no life? If you want a better life you need to seek help everywhere you can, including here. We're all here for you!!!

thanks for your reply. I'm about a week clean now from the coke and weed, but I'm still drinking and smoking a lot. I know I should reduce it, but i don't even see any point in self improvement at this point. I do want a better life, but it's so useless trying anymore. i mean it's been a little over 3 long
years now. I mean it when I say I have tried so hard for so long. even during the hard days, I often would try and force myself out of bed, shower, study, go on long walks for exercise and get on with things even though my heart wants to lay in bed for the rest of time, but life seems to refuse to cooperate with my efforts. so now I feel like i must refuse to try with life anymore.

I really wish I were you, I will never experience either friendship or human touch, let alone drugs. Can we switch places?

I'm sorry and I do get you. I understand that it seems like the grass is greener on the other side. for a long time I was like you too. I so deeply craved friendship and human touch too. for so long I was so touch deprived and had absolutely no friends. I didn't even have my family cus we had an awfully shitty relationship at the time. i would just spend all day in my dark room. but it's not always as nice as it seems. drugs aren't all that, they ruin your health, especially coke. the only "safe" one is weed, and even then, i have a completely unhealthy dependence to it and it's breaking my bank account. as much as I love my friends, they have fucked me over a few times. and rape is just traumatising.

 

[Yaffle]

I'm outside of my own life experience here. If you can stay clean that's amazing. I'm not a drug counsellor by any means but would imagine trying to quit the booze and cigs too would be too much on your own. Concentrate on keeping on the straight and level now. If you want hit everything together you might need to consider rehab.

How's your Dad now? Are you going to him over Christmas? Can you open up to him for help?