Help I was in love and felt so supported to not fight the darkness alone, now im alone and want to die

[Life Is My Coffin]

Since last year in July I was in a relationship with a girl I've known 15 years and she straight up just doesn't even reply to things I send anymore. Any time I get into details to attempt to find some catharsis about it, I simply don't like most of the answers people or even ChatGPT gives me. But I did write a few poems about her to give an idea of how things went

Spoiler: Poem

the hardest thing you have to come to terms with is when the relationship you had your heart set into starts to run its course.


you notice the small cracks, a quiet disagreement brushed off and they'll promise it won't happen again. you want to believe them, things continue as normal


but it comes back.


the same issue. the same as before but the tension is building the same feeling that you're not asking for too much


you try again.


you ask them to show up,


to hold the relationship the way you do. you want to feel like you're both on the same side, not slipping back into the same argument wearing different words.


but the arguments grow.


the respect once held for you is gone you fight more often than you laugh. the joy becomes rare, the peace even rarer.


and all you have is the memories of when things felt perfect to even want to keep going you don't want to let it go.


but it won't go back to how things you were and deep down, you know that.


you know the best thing is to let go of something you savored so much


not because you stopped loving them, but they stopped loving you a long time ago

I can't get her out of my head. Every thought of her as the days go on about her pulls me deeper into this feeling that maybe I shouldn't even be here. i used to be honest with her about how often I thought about dying, and now she says that my pain is making it harder for her to stay connected with me. that hurts in a way I can't explain, especially because not long ago, she was the one begging me to CTB with her while she had a phase where she was drowning in her own sadness.


But I guess that type of closeness is gone now. We're no longer in sync like we once were. Weeks would go by with no messages from her, like I was just forgotten. Meanwhile, everything in her life is taking off, she's doing well in school, working, making time for friends and family, and even chasing a new career. and I had to sit there and listen to it all, smile through the ache, and pretend I'm happy for her. And I am, but it still feels like she carved out a space in her life for me once, but now that space for me is gone now, no longer there at all - and it's not like she consciously wanted this to happen it's just the way things did.

That's what kills me the most. I don't fit into her world anymore. Maybe it makes sense for her to leave me behind, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hate it. I used to dream under the stars with her, like there was something beautiful waiting for us. Now I feel like I belong buried in the dirt. She doesn't need me anymore, and all I can feel is that my presence now would only drag her down.

Please if anyone can offer me any suggestions of where to go from here, because I just can't take this anymore: she's in my head all day long every day and nothing seems to work. I can't move on. I have a small shitty part time job myself now and im typing this while on the clock. Nothing will improve and thats ok. I just hope she knows when Im gone that i meant the things i said. The only thing that keeps me going is just hoping that she might miss our good times enough to try to start anew with me someday...

 

[istherehope]

Hi, I'm in a very similar situation. Your post really resonates and I thank you for that.
I don't know what to do about these feelings either, it hurts so much when the person you couldn't be separated from goes on with his/her life. It feels like the past isn't even real, I even struggle to have my identity back in a way because the things that were the most authentic and real to me are now lost like "tears in the rain".
You can dm me as well if you want to chat. I understand you. I know how much it hurts.

 

[istherehope]

Your clearly hiding something you did to cause that op

Also stop fucking use ChatGPT as a therapist it's retarded

I reported your message because it's just rude

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Waiting for that text from her that'll never come

 

[Linda]

Waiting for that text from her that'll never come
View attachment 172221

Just accept that it will never come, and try to move on with your life. Part of you will still keep waiting, perhaps forever, but so long as it's only a small part of you, you should be able to cope.

I know what it's like. I've been there. Part of me is still there, after so many years, and probably always will be, but I don't let that part take over my life.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

Just accept that it will never come, and try to move on with your life.

I never do. There is nothing ever to "move on" to in my life. Very easy to say in concept but it doesn't work that way

 

[Linda]

I never do. There is nothing ever to "move on" to in my life. Very easy to say in concept but it doesn't work that way

Yes, it is difficult. I know that all too well. But it's the right thing to try to do.

Good luck.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

My advice would be to try and separate reality from what you built up in your mind. Those are often two different things in situations like this. As painful as it is, she didn't have the same type of combined life in mind, and you were likely not a (future) priority for her in the same way she was for you.

It's easy to be lulled into a false sense of security when it comes to relationships but the hard truth is that we're never really on solid ground and can't ever count on that being the case. People are fickle by nature and what they claim to feel for you can change in the blink of an eye. This in turn means you must try to avoid over-attachment where possible and be open to new experiences with different people yourself.

Easier said than done, I know. But you will have to move on either way - she decided that for you. Good luck.

 

[enjoytheride]

When you are in love it's easy to forget you are a person in your own right, deserving self-care, compassion and a future. Dealing with the emotional attachment is really hard, but from my experience not impossible. This is one of the situations where time indeed heals (I know the phrase is a cliché, but that doesn't mean it can't be true).

Give yourself the time and new perspectives and feelings will open up. Dedicate your free time to a hobby you really enjoy and is preferably productive - it can help emotionally. In the past I've channeled pain from a broken heart into motivation to study and it has helped.

Also, I know you don't believe me and that's fine, but there are tons of people out there who are better than the person with whom you broke up. Perhaps you don't know it, but you dodged a bullet. The right person will appear. Stay strong.

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

She text me today...But I don't even think I want to reply: getting a message from her just makes me feel nervous now and anxious now :/ probably because of all the hurt and trauma she's caused