I was getting better, I swear.

[Lonelyhotcake]

My life was getting better for some weird reason. I started studying after winter-break and I got back my scholarship, I started eating healthier and do selfcare (and take baths too, depression takes that habit away so I was trying to have good habits).

In september I turned 23 and my ex-boyfriend (abusive) started talking to me (I gave him my phone number I don't even know why, I'm stupid)... and I started feeling sad again because I feel guilty for breaking up with him (From me, to me: He cheated on you ashole!). But to be fair, I started to investigate so I could recognise red flags and abusers so... I'm getting better? Besides, I want to stop talking to him.

In adition to this, the "good boy" I feel in love to, started asking for nudes after saying that he didn't wanted a relationship so I felt betrayed... and sad (He fucking used me and now I can't trust in anyone who says something romantic to me).
However, I'm going to stop talking with him too... but I have to pay him some money he gave me to help me with university... he is a good person indeed, but a fucking ashole too.

Plus.. I started fighting with my brother and father... I hate them, my brother is so fucking close to become a sexual offender (He steals underwear) and my father is frustrated with his own life and ends up hating ME instead of him or his life decisions.

I started feeling like a "femcel" that hates men in general but I don't want to end up like that, it's awful.

Now, I sleep all day and cry all night no matter what I do... and I'm tired because I don't know what else I can do. (I believe in God and I pray a lot... besides I still take care of myself but I feel frustrated, like I can't move on on life and get better.. having friends, a boyfriend, good grades, or anything).

I talked to my mom about being depressed and she just doesn't get it (besides I hate her too, she doesn't like me because I'm LGBT+).

I don't know what to do. I want to kill myself, but I also want to ran away, that sounds more cool than just being dead.

So... "Give me heartache if that means a reason that I would continue, please I need them". I need something, anything.

_._._._.

Something I've noticed it's that I need new friends, I always end up talking with one or two people and that's sad but also pretty shitty because most of them are toxic (Right now I only talk to my ex, that new boy and a mexican friend).

 

[moondazed]

Awareness is the most important and most difficult step in recovery. When you become aware of the issues within and outside yourself, things can feel even more heavier than before. But as some wise person once said, "the only way out is through". Glad you are here and looking towards a more hopeful future.

 

[Lonelyhotcake]

Thanks for your reply!

I've noticed that I already feel good again, maybe it's because I needed someone to talk about this... and now it's gone - it's out of my mind.

I'm grateful for this website.