I was a terminally ill patient in my dream

[thejumper]

I attended a big ceremony today. After leaving the ceremony, I slowly started getting sad for no reason - something I expect every day but despise. Sadness gradually started turning into despair, and I didn't know what to do. Tucked myself into bed after coming home and chain smoking all day, and tried to sleep my depression away. I was shocked in my dream though.

In my dream, I was one of the old terminally ill patients clad in white (like monks - we were bald for some reason as well) who were going to die that day. We all had our unique sayings in our hands: mine read "not critical (of death or life, I presume. don't remember this part well). Anyway, I was a humorous person in the dream and tried to joke a few times and made everyone laugh despite the fact that we were all going to die that day. As we slowly started getting closer and closer to death - we were just walking in the middle of nowhere, some kind of a desert, I guess, towards "death" - I broke down. Terribly. In front of everyone. I wasn't ready to deal with the unknown at all. This is something that has happened to me in the past whenever I attempted to CTB. The terminally ill patient that I was today, however humorous and chill in nature, couldn't bear the looming oblivion.

I guess I can't beat "it". I can't beat my despair. Most of the days I can kind of manage it, but some days it hits me so hard that I just want to dissolve myself into total nothingness. I'm not ready for death either, which sucks big time. I'm not cognitively equipped to deal with existence nor death in my current state. I wish I never woke up. It doesn't get better, even things in my life do actually get better.

I just want to be able to feel normal everyday. I'm okay with not being happy as long as I don't have this excruciating despair that wears me down gradually.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Your dream seems so profound, thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry you feel such intense despair...Reading that you don't even mind not being happy, just getting rid of the despair, is quite sad, it must really be your own personal torment...

Is there anything in particular that makes you feel despair? Is it feeling like the days are wasted? Lacking a purpose or motivation?

I really liked your dream, profound and pretty in its sadness. Your subconscious knows death isn't the way but just can't figure out what else should be the way to go, it's quite meaningful.

 

[thejumper]

Your dream seems so profound, thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry you feel such intense despair...Reading that you don't even mind not being happy, just getting rid of the despair, is quite sad, it must really be your own personal torment...

Is there anything in particular that makes you feel despair? Is it feeling like the days are wasted? Lacking a purpose or motivation?

I really liked your dream, profound and pretty in its sadness. Your subconscious knows death isn't the way but just can't figure out what else should be the way to go, it's quite meaningful.

Thanks for the reply.

I can't pin down the exact reasons as to why I'm feeling this way. I'm in the process of becoming independent again, which is quite stressful. After dropping out, I lost everything I had and descended into alcohol-fueled madness. Finally freed myself from the grip of the bottle with lots of difficulty and started working on my life; so things look good on the horizon for the first time in years. However, my current financial and social status are still in ruins. My parents are getting older, and I'll have to support them in the near future since they won't be able to work - I'm okay with it, I just feel a lot of dread on a daily basis because of this. My dad's illness is getting kind of worse, and I don't know how many years he has left. What happens after he dies?

Aging parents, uncertain future, financial insecurity, passive depression that has lasted for 7ish years, etc... I don't know man, everything feels like a bottomless pit. I already have a plan and I'm following it (and I'm progressing too)- everything still feels off for some reason.