TheGoodGuy
Visionary
- Aug 27, 2018
- 2,996
TL;DR: If you want to read it read it all if you don´t want to I understand that I didn´t intend to make it this long but I got the writers bug and I am going to add this to my diary/journal too.
As I am sitting here on my chair in front of my PC at 4:45am I think what I have thought about often. I was once a child lets say 10 years old then went one day then one day more, one more the days went by one after one and I was 12 and discovered my sexual urges through my first ejaculation my childhood was now officially over life was still exciting and interesting but from this point on my happiness would decline rapidly in fact at age 14 I would become suicidal and only a few years before that I would have been the happiest child in the world.
The point in this thread is I don´t feel anything anymore not happiness nor sadness and when I feel it´s only anger and hatred or once in a while nostalgic which is a bittersweet feeling of happiness and sadness combined, sometimes it will hit me so hard I have to stop up e.g if I am going for a walk this has happened several times in the summer when I walked past some flowers that smelled EXACTLY like some flowers I played around in my childhood and this has also happened one time I walked past a girl who smelled EXACTLY like face paint the one we all were painted with in the face as children these feelings of nostalgia through smells will hit me like a ton of bricks and make me feel like a child again it´s insane how intense it is.
Anyways I got off track as I usually do when I talk childhood. The point is was I 10 years old again life would still be good but add one day life would still be amazing, then one more, life will still be amazing, then add one more still utterly amazing but at some point after a numbers of days I will have seemingly out of nowhere have decended into the hell I know today it don´t happen from one day to the next but gradually over time it´s just so insane to think even at 10 years old after adding 365 days (one year) My life would still be paradise on Earth in a world full of happiness but at some point I would lose that happy little boy I once was. I want to be a child again so bad I yearn so much for it sometimes like now I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry while saying just take me back to those wonderful days of happiness, excitement and adventure back in the carefree blissful world of my childhood just writing this actually makes me tear up.
I am 24 years old and will turn 25 in 4 months my childhood was an eternity ago I would have to go at least 15-16 years back in time to experience true happiness again back then I would still be best friends with my best friend Daniel whom I met in daycare and we drifted apart at age 11. All of these wonderful memories are so faint now and as I get older they get pushed further away and I remember them less vividly by the years even some good times I had at age 16 (although I had SEVERE depression) I also remember less now just like my childhood it´s not unnatural it´s not like I have something wrong with my brain like alzheimers it´s just natural that it was a long time ago so it doesn´t feel so vivid anymore but at 16 when I smoked weed with my brother and my friends it used to feel like it happened only a short time ago. I remember at 18-19 how I missed those good times with the boys smoking weed all those memories we made back then at 18-19 it was only 2-3 years ago so it was still a relatively "long" time ago but I could remember it all like it was yesterday now I am 24 and my teenage years seem to be only remembered vaguely like my childhood memories.
I still occasionally have these vivid nostalgic memories from either my childhood or teenage years that will feel like they happened yesterday or a couple of weeks ago at most but the whole picture gets harder to remember and it´s kind of frightening because all of these wonderful exciting memories starts to feel like just an amazing dream and not real life I don´t have derealization or any shit like that it´s just I have been stuck in the same mundane adult life for years now and it obviously don´t get better, my life gets worse and worse with every passing year. If I go back almost 4 year to when I was 21 nothing have really happened except my health declining but other than that it has been the same mundane boring life over and over again there are no more excitement in life I don´t find joy in anything anymore I don´t feel sad or happy I just don´t feel anything I "live" "life" as an automaton doing the same shit day in day out as a teenager I would feel so terrible but at least I could feel and I still had tons of excitement and joy for simple things I am really dead inside just an empty shell of the person I once was, that innocent happy little boy, with hopes, dreams, tons of friends and so much love for life. I might as well kill myself because just surviving is an insult to the wonderful person I used to be.
As I am sitting here on my chair in front of my PC at 4:45am I think what I have thought about often. I was once a child lets say 10 years old then went one day then one day more, one more the days went by one after one and I was 12 and discovered my sexual urges through my first ejaculation my childhood was now officially over life was still exciting and interesting but from this point on my happiness would decline rapidly in fact at age 14 I would become suicidal and only a few years before that I would have been the happiest child in the world.
The point in this thread is I don´t feel anything anymore not happiness nor sadness and when I feel it´s only anger and hatred or once in a while nostalgic which is a bittersweet feeling of happiness and sadness combined, sometimes it will hit me so hard I have to stop up e.g if I am going for a walk this has happened several times in the summer when I walked past some flowers that smelled EXACTLY like some flowers I played around in my childhood and this has also happened one time I walked past a girl who smelled EXACTLY like face paint the one we all were painted with in the face as children these feelings of nostalgia through smells will hit me like a ton of bricks and make me feel like a child again it´s insane how intense it is.
Anyways I got off track as I usually do when I talk childhood. The point is was I 10 years old again life would still be good but add one day life would still be amazing, then one more, life will still be amazing, then add one more still utterly amazing but at some point after a numbers of days I will have seemingly out of nowhere have decended into the hell I know today it don´t happen from one day to the next but gradually over time it´s just so insane to think even at 10 years old after adding 365 days (one year) My life would still be paradise on Earth in a world full of happiness but at some point I would lose that happy little boy I once was. I want to be a child again so bad I yearn so much for it sometimes like now I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry while saying just take me back to those wonderful days of happiness, excitement and adventure back in the carefree blissful world of my childhood just writing this actually makes me tear up.
I am 24 years old and will turn 25 in 4 months my childhood was an eternity ago I would have to go at least 15-16 years back in time to experience true happiness again back then I would still be best friends with my best friend Daniel whom I met in daycare and we drifted apart at age 11. All of these wonderful memories are so faint now and as I get older they get pushed further away and I remember them less vividly by the years even some good times I had at age 16 (although I had SEVERE depression) I also remember less now just like my childhood it´s not unnatural it´s not like I have something wrong with my brain like alzheimers it´s just natural that it was a long time ago so it doesn´t feel so vivid anymore but at 16 when I smoked weed with my brother and my friends it used to feel like it happened only a short time ago. I remember at 18-19 how I missed those good times with the boys smoking weed all those memories we made back then at 18-19 it was only 2-3 years ago so it was still a relatively "long" time ago but I could remember it all like it was yesterday now I am 24 and my teenage years seem to be only remembered vaguely like my childhood memories.
I still occasionally have these vivid nostalgic memories from either my childhood or teenage years that will feel like they happened yesterday or a couple of weeks ago at most but the whole picture gets harder to remember and it´s kind of frightening because all of these wonderful exciting memories starts to feel like just an amazing dream and not real life I don´t have derealization or any shit like that it´s just I have been stuck in the same mundane adult life for years now and it obviously don´t get better, my life gets worse and worse with every passing year. If I go back almost 4 year to when I was 21 nothing have really happened except my health declining but other than that it has been the same mundane boring life over and over again there are no more excitement in life I don´t find joy in anything anymore I don´t feel sad or happy I just don´t feel anything I "live" "life" as an automaton doing the same shit day in day out as a teenager I would feel so terrible but at least I could feel and I still had tons of excitement and joy for simple things I am really dead inside just an empty shell of the person I once was, that innocent happy little boy, with hopes, dreams, tons of friends and so much love for life. I might as well kill myself because just surviving is an insult to the wonderful person I used to be.
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