Story I was 12 & built a hood for a car exhaust & it should have worked

[inthewoods]

I've been lurking here for awhile and I figured I would share finally and maybe get some advice. I wish it worked because I have had 35 years of suffering now.

When I was 9 I realized I was gay and for 3 years I tried to pray it away and beg god not to send me to hell. Eventually I had enough…

So when I was 12 I duct taped a paper towel towel to a Gap draw string bag. I stole my parents keys in the night and went out to the car (it was far enough from house to not hear) I turned the car on, laid by the exhaust outside, put the cardboard tube in the exhaust and my head in the bag and sinched it.

I passed out and then woke up… my had had fallen out of the bag and I got oxygen… so then I tried again. Again my head fell out of the bag but at this point I was so wonky I decided to stop

I crept back inside and I assume cried myself to sleep.

Next morning my mom was screaming looking for her keys and I realized I left them in the ignition. I snuck out, took the keys out, came inside, and hid them and she found them.

I'm not even sure if this method works anymore if cars are made differently or what… but I'm considering it again.

I now live alone in the woods but risk a few neighbors seeing me with a tube going into my car or to a bag over my head.

I have mental illness - BPD amongst many things and I moved to the woods a year ago to learn to be alone and see if I love it. Turns out, I'll always be lonely and feel unloved. My family was horrible, I've destroyed so many friendships, and just recently after nearly 10 months of hesitation I let my walls down and have my heart to someone.

He's confirmed today that he doesn't want to be with me and that he doesn't see ever wanting to be with me…. He says it's about him but I know it's about my mental illness and him feeling scared of me.

I know people shun this idea… but I need a savior. He's actually the nicest healthiest most well adjusted person I've ever dated and so empathic great family wants kids etc. but in the end… when he saw the darkest sides of me… he disengaged and rejected me. The hardest part isn't the initial rejection, that's always hard but what's hardest is when I ask for another chance to show them I can be better, to remind them they make me better, etc.

No one in my entire life has ever ever given me a second chance. It's like I'm supposed to read minds or understand how I'm being perceived or be someone and not know it and then it's just over. No looking back, no one ever has enough faith or hope in me to give me a second chance.

Not being dramatic, but I am unlovable truly in a romantic sense. Worst thing someone ever said to me was that I was undatable after a long on and off again thing but finally when the timing was right and I felt confident I made my moves only to be told I just wasn't datable.

I realize now it goes deeper. People can love me and think they love me romantically but then the way I am, the way I exist, the way I feel… and love… they always always end up shifting their mindset about me, telling me they love me and will love me as a friend but can't be with me.

It's so deflating over and over and has just made my mental health spiral deeper with each event like this in my life.

I have money and live in nature and animals I love and shouldn't want to die, but I do.
Thanks for letting me share, been anxious to post on here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I can imagine it must be dreadful to be suffering for so long. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[myopybyproxy]

there is no 'shouldn't' - being suicidal is a symptom that things aren't right for you. no matter how perfect your life may seem to outsiders, you have struggles that rage within. you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you feel - although sorting it out in writing may help you understand yourself better or clarify things, there's no obligation to justify yourself. you probably don't feel it but you are valid and whole as you are.

i know i'm just a stranger on the internet but i quite relate to the interpersonal difficulties. i've given up on ever having a stable, healthy relationship with anyone - platonic or romantic.

regarding your method, i think they began building carbon monoxide filters into the tailpipe to eliminate that possibility. some models, especially old cars, may still be useful for this method, but i'm no automobile expert.