Recently I've been struggling with a lot of problems.
Because of problems in my private life and stress, I started to have nosebleeds and vomiting. Many times I thought about suicide, and after many discussions on internet forums I decided to visit a free psychologist. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
When I was a kid I was always one of the best students in my class. At the age of 3, my father left us, one day he just left for work and never came back. He was an alcoholic, beat me, my sister, and my mother, and left us over $30,000 in loans. My brother, who was 20 at the time, had to help my mom support our family.
My brother was died when he was 33 years old in a car accident while driving home. A truck driver swerved into the opposite lane on a curve, my brother died on the spot. I couldn't get over it for a long time, I tried to forget it for years.
After the accident, my sister became the only person who was still able to support our family, unfortunately it wasn't easy, the problems started to multiply, my sister lost her job, we didn't have enough money to support ourselves so my sister decided to take a loan. After a few months she found a job, and I, at the age of 17, started working in construction, after classes, sometimes working instead of going to school. I worked in construction for two years. After graduating from high school, I applied to one of the better universities in my country, I was quite surprised when I was accepted. At the beginning of my freshman year, I stopped working in construction and found a job in a restaurant, the salary wasn't much but I managed to live on it.
When I finished highschool, I went to university. I felt good, I was confident, I was focused. My goal in life was to help my family. I didn't go home for an entire year and a half; I spent my summers working at a restaurant. During my sophomore year, my mom started having serious health problems. We couldn't wait to go to the public hospital so we had to pay for private visits, then for private treatments, tests, I had to take several loans to help my mom. After the treatments, my mom was not able to take care of herself, my sister had to balance work with taking care of my mom. At the time I was unable to help them, every time I called my sister she told me they were doing fine and didn't need help. When I came home for the winter holidays, there were potato pancakes on the table, and then I found documents and loan agreements, that's when I knew I had to help them, so I took a dean's leave from college, and started working full time in construction, helping my sister pay off the loans and take care of my mother. After a year of working at the construction site, I decided to look for a job as a programmer because it had always been my passion. After some time I got a job offer as a junior, despite the fact that I had no course or diploma from higher education. Pretty soon I got a raise, worked as a software engineer in smart home projects. Even though it wasn't required of me I worked nights to finish projects before the deadline, sometimes working on other projects as a freelancer, things worked out pretty well.
A few months after receiving her raise, my sister started forgetting rather trivial things, sometimes during a conversation she would lose her train of thought and not remember what she was talking about. At first we thought she was just overworked, but I insisted she make a doctor's appointment, and that same year she was diagnosed, it turned out she had a cyst in her brain that was between her lobes and pressing on her cerebellum. The doctors refused to undertake surgery, instead they only prescribed medication, told her that it'll help, but unfortunately it did not. The wait time for a brain scan was over 6 months and the price of the scan was $150, so we did it privately. Later my sister lost her job because she was unable to continue working. This put me in quite a difficult situation, having to take care of both my mother and sister, pay for food, medicine, rent. I'm working in another city, which also means that quite often I had to visit them at home to do shopping, clean the house, prepare firewood etc,. I took over all the responsibilities at home. Still looking for help for my sister. Then my mom started having more problems, I had to take sick leave from work just to take care of them. My mom's health deteriorated to the point where emergency room visits became the norm, I started having money problems and had to take out more loans to survive and support my family. Because of my mother's worsening situation, I had to choose between my sister and my mother, and we decided to help our mother first.
The first time back in 2019 when the pandemic started, my mother was admitted to the hospital in critical condition, just before the surgery doctor said to her that he could use some money, and this is where it started. The loans to pay those fucking doctors, this ruined my life. And wouldn't you guess it, in one of the hospitals where I had to pay colossal bribes for my mother's treatment, just for being admitted to the ward, doctors were arrested who were engaged in organized criminal activity, which was just exploiting patients. Unfortunately, those who ruined my life were not arrested. I mean they didn't ruin my life. I did that myself, I could say no, but then my mother would be dead already.
Month ago I had to move out because I didn't have enough money to pay for the loans and rent at the same time, the rent went from 160$ to 400$ in the span of three months. I've been homeless for over a month now. I'm surviving by eating garbage. or pretending that I need to work overtime to be able to sleep at the office. My pice of shit father which I mentioned before, came back into my life when I was 23 years old, he lived alone, was still a drunk bastard that often would came to my mother to ask her for money to sponsor his addiction, I bought food for him few times instead of giving him money. This abusive fuck had an accident, while shit faced, now is in coma (he fell and hit the back of his head on a cement staircase), I had to pay for expected funreal expenses and I couldn't pay loans, in just after 15 days the debts collectors are at my work, the debt is getting bigger each day, they are harrasing me and my family. I tried to look for help, government, social services, private institutions, nothing fucking worked. Now I contacted a lawyer to file for bankruptcy, which I tried before on my own, was denied. Lawyer told me that I can't pay the loans for at least 3 month, so that I will be eligible for bankruptcy claim and even then, because I have work, I will probably will have to still pay a monthy loan that'll be subtracted from my salary for the next 3 to 8 years, during this time the judge or someone (can't remember the legal term) will be in full control of my finances, and If I get a better paying job, the banks can try to renegotiate the claim on my new salary.
Then I said ok, there are people helping others, crowdfunding websites. So I created a campaign, told the truth, attached medical documentation, pictures of my family, picture of my shitty father, and guess what people called me a scammer told me to fuck off. So I though that mby an influacer can help me get some validity, most of them ingored me, and then there was this one guy, 2.9mil followers, he responded, demanded that I give him the details so he can verify, including photo of my ID, so I said fine, this can change my life around. Send him everything, and he went silent for a day, then he responded with "sorry, but I'm not giving handouts" and blocked me. 20 minutes later he tweeted: "That a homeless guy, was in his backyard" and he gave him water, money, let him make a call and called him an uber, what a fucking guy, we need more people like him honestly. Then I contacted countless charities, tried to contact the government again, nothing, no help.
I just have this absolute void inside, my head feels like it's going to burst, I cant visit my family, because I dont have the funds to buy a bus ticket to see them, hug them. Instead I decided to finally end this farce, and while doing so maybe get the attention of the media, so that someone will help my family. I can no longer be there for them, I endured a lot of years of pain, thought that things will get better, been working two jobs, now I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Because I slipped only once. I've been thinking about suicide for years, dreamt about finally being able to rest. This friday, I'm going to go to my family on foot it's a 11 hours walk in one direction. Then I'm going to write a letter to the media, government, institutions that told me to fuck off, and I'll finally get some rest.
Because of problems in my private life and stress, I started to have nosebleeds and vomiting. Many times I thought about suicide, and after many discussions on internet forums I decided to visit a free psychologist. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
When I was a kid I was always one of the best students in my class. At the age of 3, my father left us, one day he just left for work and never came back. He was an alcoholic, beat me, my sister, and my mother, and left us over $30,000 in loans. My brother, who was 20 at the time, had to help my mom support our family.
My brother was died when he was 33 years old in a car accident while driving home. A truck driver swerved into the opposite lane on a curve, my brother died on the spot. I couldn't get over it for a long time, I tried to forget it for years.
After the accident, my sister became the only person who was still able to support our family, unfortunately it wasn't easy, the problems started to multiply, my sister lost her job, we didn't have enough money to support ourselves so my sister decided to take a loan. After a few months she found a job, and I, at the age of 17, started working in construction, after classes, sometimes working instead of going to school. I worked in construction for two years. After graduating from high school, I applied to one of the better universities in my country, I was quite surprised when I was accepted. At the beginning of my freshman year, I stopped working in construction and found a job in a restaurant, the salary wasn't much but I managed to live on it.
When I finished highschool, I went to university. I felt good, I was confident, I was focused. My goal in life was to help my family. I didn't go home for an entire year and a half; I spent my summers working at a restaurant. During my sophomore year, my mom started having serious health problems. We couldn't wait to go to the public hospital so we had to pay for private visits, then for private treatments, tests, I had to take several loans to help my mom. After the treatments, my mom was not able to take care of herself, my sister had to balance work with taking care of my mom. At the time I was unable to help them, every time I called my sister she told me they were doing fine and didn't need help. When I came home for the winter holidays, there were potato pancakes on the table, and then I found documents and loan agreements, that's when I knew I had to help them, so I took a dean's leave from college, and started working full time in construction, helping my sister pay off the loans and take care of my mother. After a year of working at the construction site, I decided to look for a job as a programmer because it had always been my passion. After some time I got a job offer as a junior, despite the fact that I had no course or diploma from higher education. Pretty soon I got a raise, worked as a software engineer in smart home projects. Even though it wasn't required of me I worked nights to finish projects before the deadline, sometimes working on other projects as a freelancer, things worked out pretty well.
A few months after receiving her raise, my sister started forgetting rather trivial things, sometimes during a conversation she would lose her train of thought and not remember what she was talking about. At first we thought she was just overworked, but I insisted she make a doctor's appointment, and that same year she was diagnosed, it turned out she had a cyst in her brain that was between her lobes and pressing on her cerebellum. The doctors refused to undertake surgery, instead they only prescribed medication, told her that it'll help, but unfortunately it did not. The wait time for a brain scan was over 6 months and the price of the scan was $150, so we did it privately. Later my sister lost her job because she was unable to continue working. This put me in quite a difficult situation, having to take care of both my mother and sister, pay for food, medicine, rent. I'm working in another city, which also means that quite often I had to visit them at home to do shopping, clean the house, prepare firewood etc,. I took over all the responsibilities at home. Still looking for help for my sister. Then my mom started having more problems, I had to take sick leave from work just to take care of them. My mom's health deteriorated to the point where emergency room visits became the norm, I started having money problems and had to take out more loans to survive and support my family. Because of my mother's worsening situation, I had to choose between my sister and my mother, and we decided to help our mother first.
The first time back in 2019 when the pandemic started, my mother was admitted to the hospital in critical condition, just before the surgery doctor said to her that he could use some money, and this is where it started. The loans to pay those fucking doctors, this ruined my life. And wouldn't you guess it, in one of the hospitals where I had to pay colossal bribes for my mother's treatment, just for being admitted to the ward, doctors were arrested who were engaged in organized criminal activity, which was just exploiting patients. Unfortunately, those who ruined my life were not arrested. I mean they didn't ruin my life. I did that myself, I could say no, but then my mother would be dead already.
Month ago I had to move out because I didn't have enough money to pay for the loans and rent at the same time, the rent went from 160$ to 400$ in the span of three months. I've been homeless for over a month now. I'm surviving by eating garbage. or pretending that I need to work overtime to be able to sleep at the office. My pice of shit father which I mentioned before, came back into my life when I was 23 years old, he lived alone, was still a drunk bastard that often would came to my mother to ask her for money to sponsor his addiction, I bought food for him few times instead of giving him money. This abusive fuck had an accident, while shit faced, now is in coma (he fell and hit the back of his head on a cement staircase), I had to pay for expected funreal expenses and I couldn't pay loans, in just after 15 days the debts collectors are at my work, the debt is getting bigger each day, they are harrasing me and my family. I tried to look for help, government, social services, private institutions, nothing fucking worked. Now I contacted a lawyer to file for bankruptcy, which I tried before on my own, was denied. Lawyer told me that I can't pay the loans for at least 3 month, so that I will be eligible for bankruptcy claim and even then, because I have work, I will probably will have to still pay a monthy loan that'll be subtracted from my salary for the next 3 to 8 years, during this time the judge or someone (can't remember the legal term) will be in full control of my finances, and If I get a better paying job, the banks can try to renegotiate the claim on my new salary.
Then I said ok, there are people helping others, crowdfunding websites. So I created a campaign, told the truth, attached medical documentation, pictures of my family, picture of my shitty father, and guess what people called me a scammer told me to fuck off. So I though that mby an influacer can help me get some validity, most of them ingored me, and then there was this one guy, 2.9mil followers, he responded, demanded that I give him the details so he can verify, including photo of my ID, so I said fine, this can change my life around. Send him everything, and he went silent for a day, then he responded with "sorry, but I'm not giving handouts" and blocked me. 20 minutes later he tweeted: "That a homeless guy, was in his backyard" and he gave him water, money, let him make a call and called him an uber, what a fucking guy, we need more people like him honestly. Then I contacted countless charities, tried to contact the government again, nothing, no help.
I just have this absolute void inside, my head feels like it's going to burst, I cant visit my family, because I dont have the funds to buy a bus ticket to see them, hug them. Instead I decided to finally end this farce, and while doing so maybe get the attention of the media, so that someone will help my family. I can no longer be there for them, I endured a lot of years of pain, thought that things will get better, been working two jobs, now I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Because I slipped only once. I've been thinking about suicide for years, dreamt about finally being able to rest. This friday, I'm going to go to my family on foot it's a 11 hours walk in one direction. Then I'm going to write a letter to the media, government, institutions that told me to fuck off, and I'll finally get some rest.
