I want your opinion on my childhood abuse

[EGR92]

My childhood wasn't exactly 'awful' but i would say it was far from normal.
From a very young age i remember terrifying arguments, i must have been no older than 9 when i heard my mother screaming my name for help whilst she argued with my father upstairs. Obviously i was far too young and scared to help.
I remember the police coming around and there being food dripping off the ceiling that they must have thrown during yet another heated argument.
My father used to repeatedly poke me in the ribs until i was screaming in agony. He would pick me up by my hair, arms, legs then just drop me to the floor or he'd drag me around.
At the age of 13 he attacked me, repeatedly hitting me in the face every time i got up so I'd fall back down again. i managed to escape him and attempt to get help so he unplugged every phone in the house. I managed to run to my sisters house in my socks but she just sent me back to him. My mother came home and did nothing, only told me off for 'bruising' him in my attempt to protect myself. i was then sent to school the next day and it was never spoken of again.
As i grew older he would treat me differently, if we had family gatherings he would ask everyone but me if they wanted a drink.
He'd call me a loser and I'd get nowhere in life. The list goes on.
I know many have been through worse, with their abuse being constant. So I'm not sure if mine is really bad or that valid.
I supressed alot of these memories but they've returned in the form of flashbacks at the age of 27. I've spoken out about the abuse but nobody seems to care, my mother continues to act normal with him as if he's done nothing wrong - am i expecting too much?
I have BPD and i honestly believe his abuse and my mothers neglect to it happening is the cause to my condition.
Ive never been able to have normal stable relationships due to growing up with their fucked up one as an example.

This is just a small reason of why i want to CTB.

 

[SSlostallhope]

Sounds awful to me. Gosh :( what a way to treat a child. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm very sure that's what's caused your BPD as that's what caused mine

 

[EGR92]

Sounds awful to me. Gosh :( what a way to treat a child. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I'm very sure that's what's caused your BPD as that's what caused mine

Thankyou. All my mum simply says is he 'made mistakes' with me as a child. Yet its left me with life long problems whilst he continues his life fine

 

[who doesn't matter]

My childhood wasn't exactly 'awful' but i would say it was far from normal.
From a very young age i remember terrifying arguments, i must have been no older than 9 when i heard my mother screaming my name for help whilst she argued with my father upstairs. Obviously i was far too young and scared to help.
I remember the police coming around and there being food dripping off the ceiling that they must have thrown during yet another heated argument.
My father used to repeatedly poke me in the ribs until i was screaming in agony. He would pick me up by my hair, arms, legs then just drop me to the floor or he'd drag me around.
At the age of 13 he attacked me, repeatedly hitting me in the face every time i got up so I'd fall back down again. i managed to escape him and attempt to get help so he unplugged every phone in the house. I managed to run to my sisters house in my socks but she just sent me back to him. My mother came home and did nothing, only told me off for 'bruising' him in my attempt to protect myself. i was then sent to school the next day and it was never spoken of again.
As i grew older he would treat me differently, if we had family gatherings he would ask everyone but me if they wanted a drink.
He'd call me a loser and I'd get nowhere in life. The list goes on.
I know many have been through worse, with their abuse being constant. So I'm not sure if mine is really bad or that valid.
I supressed alot of these memories but they've returned in the form of flashbacks at the age of 27. I've spoken out about the abuse but nobody seems to care, my mother continues to act normal with him as if he's done nothing wrong - am i expecting too much?
I have BPD and i honestly believe his abuse and my mothers neglect to it happening is the cause to my condition.
Ive never been able to have normal stable relationships due to growing up with their fucked up one as an example.

This is just a small reason of why i want to CTB.

If that's not abuse then brutally stabbing someone is no more than a pat on the gut. "He made some mistakes." Well, then just shoot this guy and get even. "We all make mistakes."

 

[EGR92]

If that's not abuse then brutally stabbing someone is no more than a pat on the gut. "He made some mistakes." Well, then just shoot this guy and get even. "We all make mistakes."

Oh trust me, i used to fantasise killing the bastard from a young age

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry you also experienced abuse. My therapist, just yesterday in fact, told me to look up this ACE "checklist" for childhood trauma/abuse. I understand. She told me if have 3+ it's "not good." I scored a perfect 10. I knew it was bad, but checking every one? Ugh

Anyways, I'll include the ACE thing if you wanna search it or do it for yourself. I'll include a blank one too ♡

I can't say anything that'll change your upbringing, or make the abuse better or justified in anyway, but I wish you the best and know you're not alone. Also, please know you deserved none of it! ♡

 

[EGR92]

I'm so sorry you also experienced abuse. My therapist, just yesterday in fact, told me to look up this ACE "checklist" for childhood trauma/abuse. I understand. She told me if have 3+ it's "not good." I scored a perfect 10. I knew it was bad, but checking every one? Ugh

Anyways, I'll include the ACE thing if you wanna search it or do it for yourself. I'll include a blank one too ♡

I can't say anything that'll change your upbringing, or make the abuse better or justified in anyway, but I wish you the best and know you're not alone. ♡

Thankyou so much I'll take a look

 

[suffering]

am i expecting too much

no, you are expecting decent treatment. It angers me when children from abusive families doubt themselves (I am one of them myself and I also have a history of doubting myself).

 

[BrokenBeing]

Totally relatable. I guess some people are just fucked from the beginning due to shitty conditions while growing up. There's really no justice in this world.

 

[EGR92]

no, you are expecting decent treatment. It angers me when children from abusive families doubt themselves (I am one of them myself and I also have a history of doubting myself).

Thankyou. I thought perhaps after speaking out my mother would show some sort of anger towards him. just something at least. But nothing. If it were my child i wouldn't be able to sit in the same room as him. But she continues on chatting away and sitting having dinner with him. She didn't care when i was 13 so i guess why would she now

 

[Isadeth]

Thankyou so much I'll take a look

You're welcome! I figured posting the checklist was easier than writing all the abuse out. I think most here have had a seedy upbringing for the most part, at least on the abuse front. We're used as punching bags because the people that were supposed to protect us were just... awful people.

 

[EGR92]

You're welcome! I figured posting the checklist was easier than writing all the abuse out. I think most here have had a seedy upbringing for the most part, at least on the abuse front. We're used as punching bags because the people that were supposed to protect us were just... awful people.

Yes, i guess you dont find yourself feeling this way if you had a 'normal' life. I just always thought my mum would protect me. We've always been close, like best friends. But now i feel it's all a lie with what i remember and how shes dealt with this situation. Oh well, just makes it easier to CTB. less guilt. In a way, they pushed me to it

 

[suffering]

Thankyou. I thought perhaps after speaking out my mother would show some sort of anger towards him. just something at least. But nothing. If it were my child i wouldn't be able to sit in the same room as him. But she continues on chatting away and sitting having dinner with him. She didn't care when i was 13 so i guess why would she now

I also confronted my mother about the abusive that my father inflicted and she also acted indifferent and dismissive. Ghosted both of them as soon as I became financially independent. Maybe your situation is different, only you know what is best for you, for me it was just too much to keep in contact with them, they were too abusive. Acting like nothing happened became too difficult, like a humiliation. I think the worse part of it is not the bad memories themselves, but how they scare you in the long run. I tolerated too much bad behavior in my life from other people, because that is what 'normal' felt to me ('am I exaggerating?' kind of thing). Still working on my self confidence.

 

[EGR92]

I also confronted my mother about the abusive that my father inflicted and she also acted indifferent and dismissive. Ghosted both of them as soon as I became financially independent. Maybe your situation is different, only you know what is best for you, for me it was just too much to keep in contact with them, they were too abusive. Acting like nothing happened became too difficult, like a humiliation. I think the worse part of it is not the bad memories themselves, but how they scare you in the long run. I tolerated too much bad behavior in my life from other people, because that is what 'normal' felt to me ('am I exaggerating?' kind of thing). Still working on my self confidence.

Its very difficult, before this me and my mum were pratically best friends. We did everything together. Now i dont even know who she is. I feel like that 13 year old child all over again. Unprotected. but i totally agree I've found myself in abusive toxic relationships and thought it was 'normal'.

 

[Isadeth]

Yes, i guess you dont find yourself feeling this way if you had a 'normal' life. I just always thought my mum would protect me. We've always been close, like best friends. But now i feel it's all a lie with what i remember and how shes dealt with this situation. Oh well, just makes it easier to CTB. less guilt. In a way, they pushed me to it

I thought the same thing with my mom. I was brutally honest all of my upbringing.. except for my rape at a babysitter's house. Now she lies to me constantly and I overheard her saying how she really thinks of me. My dad is already absent and an asshole with his own mental illnesses, but for her? Ouch. Even though I was like her mother a majority of my childhood due to her alcoholism, I really thought we were bestfriends. It's like someone took my heart out and just stomped on it.

I'm so sorry. I can relate on so many levels.

 

[EGR92]

I thought the same thing with my mom. I was brutally honest all of my upbringing.. except for my rape at a babysitter's house. Now she lies to me constantly and I overheard her saying how she really thinks of me. My dad is already absent and an asshole with his own mental illnesses, but for her? Ouch. Even though I was like her mother a majority of my childhood due to her alcoholism, I really thought we were bestfriends. It's like someone took my heart out and just stomped on it.

I'm so sorry. I can relate on so many levels.

That explains how i feel completely. Broken hearted and betrayed. Im so sorry you've been through that too. But you're not alone x

 

[meerpasta]

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you, please don't let their guilting make you downplay it, they're incredibly awful parents. BPD does commonly stem from bad parents and environments, if you can please find a therapist who understands your situation. You don't deserve to have people around you tell you that it's nothing serious because it is. I don't think you should be looking for forgiveness in your parents or anyone else who enabled them to keep going, they will most likely never be good to you, the best thing you can do is find better people to surround yourself with and create a positive environment and work through the trauma with a proper therapist, especially to make sure you don't end up in more toxic relationships.

 

[EGR92]

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you, please don't let their guilting make you downplay it, they're incredibly awful parents. BPD does commonly stem from bad parents and environments, if you can please find a therapist who understands your situation. You don't deserve to have people around you tell you that it's nothing serious because it is. I don't think you should be looking for forgiveness in your parents or anyone else who enabled them to keep going, they will most likely never be good to you, the best thing you can do is find better people to surround yourself with and create a positive environment and work through the trauma with a proper therapist, especially to make sure you don't end up in more toxic relationships.

My mental health team is useless so i doubt that will be possible or happen. They just want me to sit on groups. how could i possibly talk about my trauma infront of a bunch of strangers?
I've been let down by everyone who is meant to care for me, including those who are paid to. I don't really have anyone other than my family, and if im honest i dont really want them any more. It has only made my decision to CTB easier, thank you for your advice though. But I'm past help, I've tried for years and im tired now

 

[SSlostallhope]

no, you are expecting decent treatment. It angers me when children from abusive families doubt themselves (I am one of them myself and I also have a history of doubting myself).

They grind you down on purpose to make you feel like your nothing and unworthy. How they control you unfortunately:(

 

[EGR92]

Whenever i ask my Mother why she never rang the police or do anything her response is always "I wasn't there"

amazing

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Your parents are big cringe; that's not somewhat abusive, it's outright abusive and probably very damaging. My dad has definitely crossed the line a few times with getting aggressive towards me and my brother, but nothing on this level.

 

[EGR92]

Your parents are big cringe; that's not somewhat abusive, it's outright abusive and probably very damaging. My dad has definitely crossed the line a few times with getting aggressive towards me and my brother, but nothing on this level.

I'm glad i have confirmation of this because my family are just down playing it because it was in the past and stopped as i grew older (and learnt to stick up for myself)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I'm glad i have confirmation of this because my family are just down playing it because it was in the past and stopped as i grew older (and learnt to stick up for myself)

Abusers downplaying their abuse, sadly a very common thing. I am happy that you can see that this isn't normal and aren't getting totally gaslighted into thinking that you are to blame for it. You're strong to have learned to stick up for yourself with no support from your family, so I hope you can get through all this.

 

[meerpasta]

My mental health team is useless so i doubt that will be possible or happen. They just want me to sit on groups. how could i possibly talk about my trauma infront of a bunch of strangers?
I've been let down by everyone who is meant to care for me, including those who are paid to. I don't really have anyone other than my family, and if im honest i dont really want them any more. It has only made my decision to CTB easier, thank you for your advice though. But I'm past help, I've tried for years and im tired now

I see, I understand because I've been too worn down too to recover, but if you ever change your mind please consider finding a one-on-one therapist that respects you. It's worth the effort even if you have to try multiple if you feel like you want to get the help. Your feelings are completely valid here, so I hope you can at least feel some peace of mind about that.

 

[SipSop]

My childhood wasn't exactly 'awful' but i would say it was far from normal.
From a very young age i remember terrifying arguments, i must have been no older than 9 when i heard my mother screaming my name for help whilst she argued with my father upstairs. Obviously i was far too young and scared to help.
I remember the police coming around and there being food dripping off the ceiling that they must have thrown during yet another heated argument.
My father used to repeatedly poke me in the ribs until i was screaming in agony. He would pick me up by my hair, arms, legs then just drop me to the floor or he'd drag me around.
At the age of 13 he attacked me, repeatedly hitting me in the face every time i got up so I'd fall back down again. i managed to escape him and attempt to get help so he unplugged every phone in the house. I managed to run to my sisters house in my socks but she just sent me back to him. My mother came home and did nothing, only told me off for 'bruising' him in my attempt to protect myself. i was then sent to school the next day and it was never spoken of again.
As i grew older he would treat me differently, if we had family gatherings he would ask everyone but me if they wanted a drink.
He'd call me a loser and I'd get nowhere in life. The list goes on.
I know many have been through worse, with their abuse being constant. So I'm not sure if mine is really bad or that valid.
I supressed alot of these memories but they've returned in the form of flashbacks at the age of 27. I've spoken out about the abuse but nobody seems to care, my mother continues to act normal with him as if he's done nothing wrong - am i expecting too much?
I have BPD and i honestly believe his abuse and my mothers neglect to it happening is the cause to my condition.
Ive never been able to have normal stable relationships due to growing up with their fucked up one as an example.

This is just a small reason of why i want to CTB.

I had a similar upbringing.
I lived in fear when I was younger. I remember being dragged under the table from the leg like a pig to be beaten because I didn't ate all the food. My oarents were fighting all the time. My father was caliing me day in and day out retarded, stupid, making fun of how I looked , telling me I was good for nothing, that I will fail at whatever I will do before I will do it. To not try because I so not know. He expected me to know things before he would teach me about them. He expected complete obedience otherwise he would not give any money or just insult me and humiliate me. Constant fear. I was affraid to think about him. He wanted to know everything, he would criticise everything, burst into anger out of nowhere. He was lying to smallest things without the need to gain something. I cannot do anything now, I am free but mentally and emotionally I am destroyed.
I have nothing inside.
I build no backbone, or character, or will to live. I have no self-interest. I do not care about myself. He made me dependent on him and now he expects to be a success. He is calm now because when I was a child he was tellibg me that I am retarded and I will be nothing and be on the streets. Now, I have no will to do anything and he is satisfied somehow that he broke me, that I am helpless as a man.
He treated us like slaves, whores, servants. I feel violated emotionally. I wish it would have been different.
My mom tries to help me, but is too late. I cannot form connections, I cannot think striaght now, I just go down from here just because that guy needed to feel power, to dominate us.
The worst part is that he is a weak man. He did this only to us. And now he is fine and I have to live with the damage.
Is not as easy as to say: get over it.
This happened at a young age at daily basis.
Evil. Grooming people to fail.
Breaking them mentally, emotionally.
What to do now?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I want to say thank you for sharing all of this. I get so much of where you're coming from. I personally know the challenge of becoming aware, of having grown up in such madness and having been aware, but then becoming aware again that, hey, this shit is truly nuts. They weren't monsters or evil, but there was some seriously fucked up shit. How do I manage that? Where is my grounding? That's been my experience anyway. Your post and comments resonated.

They resonated so much, that in my response I processed some things and gained more awareness. I want to say thank you for that. In looking at your situation and the questions you have about it, I gained insight into my own.

I don't want to make your thread about me, so I put the quotes I responded to and my reflections about them in a spoiler. It's about how I thought my dad would have protected me, too. It's about enabling and impotence. It's been harder for me to process his enabling and therefore passive abuse, than it has been to process the aggression and control from my mother. It's harder to hate him, not that I want to, I didn't want to hate my mother, either -- hate isn't what I'm seeking, but what comes up, and if he was also wrong and complicit, then why is it so hard to work up the same indignation? When someone is aggressive and controlling, anger and hate are natural responses of rejection of such things. There is strength in that. It's been harder for me to know how to feel about someone who was incapable, who failed me, who abandoned me and looked away, and yet was there.

Perhaps you'll get something out of my responses if you choose to read them, by seeing my situation and how in some ways it may be similar to yours. But I don't ask or expect you to. Thank you for having shared and giving me the opportunity to see things more clearly. It really was a gift, though you didn't intend it.

Spoiler

I just always thought my mum would protect me.

I would have thought my dad would have protected me. He was a cop, and not the abusive type of cop. Good guy, there for all the neighbors. But he didn't protect me. It was always, "It wasn't that bad." As a teenager, when my mom would kick me out or I would run away, he knew better than anyone the dangers I was up against, how vulnerable I would be. When a girl who looked like me was murdered (he was a homicide detective) while I was a runaway, he had to view the body, and it was really hard for him. My parents blamed me for putting him through that. I was supposed to carry the guilt. I did for awhile, but I that was always my role, to carry the guilt for everything that was wrong with the family and sometimes even their marriage, which started before I was born! The projection was ridiculous in retrospect. But a scapegoat keeps everyone else clean and blameless, while they continue to just pile their shit on, rather than stop and look at what they're doing. Most people can't. If they do, then their false foundations crumble. The things they believed that caused them to do such things in the first place, or make them okay with such things when others do them...if they realize those beliefs were wrong, then what do they do? They lose their justification. Maybe their justification for everything, not just the shit they do or allow.

But she continues on chatting away and sitting having dinner with him.

but i totally agree I've found myself in abusive toxic relationships and thought it was 'normal'.

She experienced physical abuse from him, too. It is her normal situation. She makes excuses for him, she accepts.

My father accepted my mother being verbally abusive to him. There were times when I was a kid and she was being unreasonable and controlling with me that he sometimes tried to stand up for me, and rarely won, but over the years he continually gave in to her control, and it's pretty complete. He didn't have the verbal or emotional skills to fight back, he felt impotent and inept, I could hear that in their arguments. Over the years, she never stopped being unreasonable and controlling, and he came to hate me for my standing up to her. He was her enabler. She was the strong one. They have that kind of symbiotic relationship, as many abusers and enablers do. He didn't have enough power, and eventually he ceded all control to her and agrees with it, as if it is rational and just. I could see his physical discomfort, I can see that deep down he knows it is wrong, and he is powerless, and angry about it, and it gets outwardly directed at both her and I (not physically or aggressively, but defensively, closed off), but especially directed at me, as if we and especially I victimize him, when in reality he doesn't seem to have the inner connection and awareness to identify what is wrong, and then to stand up to it. Mom and I had wicked arguments over the years, and then would make up, but he would remain cold for a long time after. Now he hates me because I demanded they acknowledge and take some responsibility for the abuse because I had a physical diagnosis as proof. They completely shut me out. Maybe he hates me because I have power that he can't access, and projects his hate for his own impotence onto me.

What I just realized in writing this, and this is why I'm so thankful to you, because this has been bothering me for several years, is that it's about the utter incongruity -- it's about what he ceded, how I would never have predicted it. My dad was always the ethical guy, and hated lying, especially having had to deal with criminals. He was awful at doing interrogations, because he didn't know how to play the games to get someone to slip up or confess. After my mother discarded me, for at least a few years she lied to their friends and extended family members that we still had a close relationship, and it may still be happening. He is not good at lying, and there's no way she could have pulled it off without him going along with it. He had to give up something very important to himself in order to protect her and the false family story of my childhood. Lying on this scale is as far from his behavior as I could have expected. For as important to him as his principles were, he gave her control over them. And he truly hates me. Not himself. Not her.

This is true enabling. I always returned to that slot machine of hope that he would at last see and hear reason, and at last with physical evidence, considering his career in homicide. Instead, he gave up to her and to the family myths, the lies right in front of the obvious truth, the rest of his ethics, and the last of his personal power.