i want to want to die again

[murderousvixen]

i posted a couple days ago about my relapse and how miserable i was (hadn't properly taken my meds in 3 weeks) and now i have been forced to start taking them again and all that pain feels sort of muffled now? i know that's just how it works, ive been on meds for years, but this time i really hate it!!
i love people sort of being forced to treat me special because they're worried if they don't i'll do something rash. i love how in control i am when im willing to put a blade to skin. i love it all!!!! i find so much comfort in being miserable because it's what i've known most of my life. this artificial contentment is really strange and feels alien. i feel like all my suffering was pointless i im able to pop a couple pills and be back to "normal" in a couple days. like it feels really invalidating?
i miss outpatient i miss the ER i miss having to bandage my wounds every night just to go to school in short sleeves so everyone can see my bandages.
i don't know what i want to hear, i think i just feel so evil thinking this and need to get it out. i feel so invalid but i guess someone who craves being sick is sick in themselves so! yay suffering!!!!
anyways thanks for reading love you guys!

 

[timf]

You want to be careful about acting in a way that solicits attention. One can come to what actors call "getting lost in the part. People can play to an audience and then find that this is the only way they have of interacting. At first the intensity of attention can feel good. However, over time it wears thin and the attention becomes less as people become jaded.

It can be better to invest in more normal interactions that, while may seem less intense, can build something more solid for the long term.