Venting I want to try tonight, but...

[ADeadBunny]

I'm sitting in my room and I thought about just trying my exit bag here instead of driving out somewhere nice. I live with others so it'll be obvious if I move my nitrogen. If I'm being honest I don't know how I got it in the house without anyone noticing.

I've set up a bunch of pillows and towels in my bed to keep my body in the appropriate position and all I can think about is how nice it would be to just go to sleep like this for the last time. Its so comfortable sitting here.

I've made a post or two about how I don't know if right now is a good time to ctb because of the situation I'm in. Long story short is I don't want to hurt anyone else and if I don't set everything up perfectly then I just might. I just need to make sure that my passing isn't going to kick up any dirt for the few I care about.

I'm just so ready to be gone. I've heard death described as taking off a tight shoe. In my case it's more of a tight straight jacket. How nice it would be to take it off. I just feel so suffocated and helpless. There was a chance for me to be happy and avoid all of this suffering I've gone through, but that was so long ago. My life is beyond saving now. I want to rest.

I might try to do it tonight. It wouldn't be the best time, but I fear if I wait too much longer then the aftermath is only going to get worse. I just can't bear to live through another year. I'll post another thread if I decide it's time. If not this is just another vent post I guess.

Thank you all for the resources on this forum. I wouldn't have been able to secure my ticket out of here if it wasn't for this place. I hope you all find peace someday.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to be permanently free from this existence, I hope that you eventually find the peace you are searching for as well.

 

[兎の耳]

I'm sorry that it has come to this for you. If you need someone to talk to I'd be happy to listen.

Whatever you decide to do I hope you find peace.

 

[ADeadBunny]

Update:

Yeah I fucked up, I should've done it last night. If I had I think everything would've been fine. Hindsight huh. I guess I'm going to be sticking around for longer than I want, but I've made it this far. I can waste away a little longer I guess.

But yeah, this hurts worse than my most botched attempt to ctb. It seems I'm just a vessle for pain. I used to think that nothing could hurt me worse than I hurt myself, but this is new. I think I'm going to buy some etizolam to take the edge off. Jesus, I hate this feeling of being trapped.

I hope no one has to hurt like this, but I know this will resonate with far to many of you. If you believe in any higher power, I hope they're with you. I know if there is one they've abandoned me.