Venting I want to SH

[puella]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've only ever felt SH urges this strong while off my antidepressants. I feel irritable, which is so rare for me.

But the person I was supposed to see to find me a therapist canceled and rescheduled to next week.

And I have to cook for my roommate every day this week. But I have barely even fed myself. I've been getting by on simple meals just to safely take my meds. Yesterday all I 'ate' was a glass of milk, and today I had plain black beans. Yet I have to prepare her real meals—that I can't eat. It isn't nice at all.

So I'm hungry, and tired, just trying to get through another week before I meet the goals I should have met today.

And I feel like every little tiny problem is killing me right now. I'm not focused on dreading the big things and spiraling down like usual. I'm just frustrated at everything. And I want to hurt myself so badly.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. The urges you feel are there for a reason as a way to tell you that there's a problem, but they're definitely not urges you should give into as they eventually end up making things worse. It really sucks that the person rescheduled on such short notice, but you've been strong up to this point, and I know you can be strong for another week.

I'm a bit curious, why do you have to cook for your roommate? Why are they not able to do so for themselves? It seems unfair to burden you in such a way especially if you're struggling so much.

 

[puella]

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. The urges you feel are there for a reason as a way to tell you that there's a problem, but they're definitely not urges you should give into as they eventually end up making things worse. It really sucks that the person rescheduled on such short notice, but you've been strong up to this point, and I know you can be strong for another week.

I'm a bit curious, why do you have to cook for your roommate? Why are they not able to do so for themselves? It seems unfair to burden you in such a way especially if you're struggling so much.

She doesn't know how to cook food. She also like, pays my rent. So I feel like I owe her. Or at least I'm kinda afraid to not listen to her.
I don't know why I'm talking behind her back like that. I'm sorry that was horribly mean of me.

 

[dragonofenvy]

She doesn't know how to cook food. She also like, pays my rent. So I feel like I owe her. Or at least I'm kinda afraid to not listen to her.
I don't know why I'm talking behind her back like that. I'm sorry that was horribly mean of me.

You don't need to apologize. You may think your feelings toward your roommate are irrational, but as I said in my previous post there's always a reason for the things you feel, and most of the time they're temporary. I've gotten pissed off with people whom I've cared about for seemingly small, innocuous things but that doesn't mean that I hate them.

Is it possible that you're able to talk to your roommate about this in some way? Heck, even something as small as trying to teach them how to cook a few things might go a long way. I barely know how to cook myself and live alone and I know that if I had a roommate I'd love it if they taught me how to cook a few things so maybe they feel similarly. The next time you're cooking for them you could say something like "Hey would you like to learn how to make the thing I'm cooking for you right now?"

I know it seems really small, but the small things are ones we can at least have some control over, or at least try to. Trying IMO, is better than spending all day thinking there's nothing you can do.