I want to recover but I feel as if I am beyond help

[dragontale14]

I have been depressed my entire life, partially due to my material circumstances and partially due to some kind of chemical imbalance along with multiple incidents of brain damage. I want to recover so badly so that I can one day be stable enough to have children because that is truly all I want in this life and I long to be able to give my love to and protect someone so that they don't end up like me, but I feel so far past the point of recovery or help. I have been medicated up to my gills, I've been in therapy for years, and I've attempted but survived multiple times, yet it seems like there is no end in sight to my crushing loneliness, depression, and trauma from being raped and molested most of my life. I don't want to die but I made an account here because I see no other way to end my suffering... yet and still, I just want a baby to love. Am I an idiot? Am I wrong? The last thing I want to do is fuck up a child's life by killing myself so how do I fight it out long enough to at least give my future children (should I be lucky enough to conceive) a good life and a loving home.

A child -- even if I adopted, they don't necessarily need to be biologically related to me -- would give my life some kind of meaning and purpose. Please tell me how to go about living for my future children. This wish to have a child is the only thing that keeps me going at all.

 

[timf]

You might want to consider a job in daycare. The pay isn't great, but you could have an opportunity to care for children.

It isn't easy for someone who has been abused to go with a societal flow. Having seen some of the harsher aspects of life forever alters ones perspective such that it can be difficult to build a relationship with someone who has not also experienced some of life's difficulties.

If you are looking for a more traditional marriage and children, you may have to first find someone who is kind and understanding. This may limit your options to churches, volunteer organizations, or other places that would attract someone inclined to be compassionate.

You should give yourself credit for having gone through as much as you have and still looking towards the future. This alone speaks volumes to a resilience and perseverance that can carry one through tough times.If you look at life as a continual process of experimentation, you have already discovered many things that may not work well. As you find something here and there that does work, you may find you can build a momentum to carry you through those experiements that don't work out.

 

[Namensjemand]

I am going to be very harsh: The research seems to say that you can not love your child too much, give it too much love. But it must be genuine love. You shouldn't need the child to stuff the hole inside of you. That is going to lead to a lot of problems. I advice to first get better at living. After all, you will have to teach your child how to do that, won't you?

 

[Namensjemand]

Perhaps you can invision yourself as the kind of person who would be a good mother. And go from there. Make that your purpose. If you manage that, the rest may follow on its own.

 

[todienomore]

you arent an idiot this is a healthy instinct

 

[Ovid]

You are never beyond help. Your words were very moving, and I hope that you get to fulfill your dream of sharing love.