I Want to Live

[Samsal112]

I am new here and just wanted to meet everyone and see where everyone is coming from. The hardest part about wanting to ctb is that I actually want to LIVE. I would give anything to be able to live life and enjoy it. I know that life is beautiful but I am in a situation where I can not appreciate or feel life. I have a chronic illness that leaves me exhausted, in pain, brain fogged, and just miserable day in and day out. I spend my weekends in bed watching mindless tv or reading, and during the week, I work and come home just to watch more tv. I cannot imagine living like this until I am old and although my illness isn't terminal, I can see and feel my body deteriorating. I feel so jealous of people who are able to live life and experience all it has to offer; I am not sure if anyone else feels that way. My illness does not allow me to drink alcohol, caffeine, or take benzos (since these started my illness) and I am restricted to a bland diet. I used to be a caffeine junkie, so living life without caffeine just doesn't seem worth it.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I hear you. Thats the sad truth that people don't seem to understand. A lot of suicidal people would jump at a reason to stay alive.

Welcome.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is very unfair, it can be horrible being trapped in this human body as it is capable of torturing us. It is always sad to hear about people who want to live but cannot, it just shows how cruel this life really is. I wish you the best.

 

[Conflict3d]

In a similar situation. I've had Long Covid for 13 months now. I used to enjoy life and didn't think things were too bad until I got sick. I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I'm in my 20's

 

[Samsal112]

In a similar situation. I've had Long Covid for 13 months now. I used to enjoy life and didn't think things were too bad until I got sick. I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I'm in my 20's

I am sorry to hear that especially because you're so young; I am 33. I live in a small conservative town where they do not believe in Covid and I get mocked for wearing a mask everywhere. These people do not understand what Covid can do to a body and since they have never lived in a body that no longer lives up to its potential, they stupidly take a healthy one for granted.

I wish you the best.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I'm curious, how did benzos start you illness?

 

[Samsal112]

I'm curious, how did benzos start you illness?

I am delicate to begin with, and I tried telling my psych that I cannot take drugs, but him and my therapist pushed Ambien, Buspar, and Lamotrigine (an anti-convulsant used as an antipsychotic) on me. I ended up having some major mental and stomach issues from the drugs. I quit the Lamotrigine cold turkey and went into horrible withdrawals like brain zaps, insomnia, extreme fatigue, sensitivity to foods and caffeine, a condition known as akathesia, and just feeling detached from myself and my surroundings. To help the withdrawal, I was given Ambien and Xanax which just prolonged the suffering and I eventually became addicted to the Ambien. My psych didn't know how to pull someone off Ambien, so I had to stop them cold turkey myself and that is apparently a big no-no. This doesn't happen to everyone, but benzos are known for causing long term withdrawal known as PAWS or permanent nervous system issues in people. Because of the Ambien, my nervous system is all over the place and I now suffer from terrible symptoms and can have a set back. Again, this doesn't happen to everyone, but I personally believe that they are dangerous. All the anxiety the Ambien and Xanax took away, I had to pay back with interest.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I figured that was it. I've been going through benzo withdrawals for the last year. It feels like it's never going to end. My symptoms are mostly physical, cold chills/sick/achy feeling, nausea, weird nerve sensations all over.

Are you familiar with the benzo buddies site?

 

[Samsal112]

I figured that was it. I've been going through benzo withdrawals for the last year. It feels like it's never going to end. My symptoms are mostly physical, cold chills/sick/achy feeling, nausea, weird nerve sensations all over.

Are you familiar with the benzo buddies site?

I was a member for about 2 years, but I rarely go there because it is so toxic and makes me feel like doom. The benzos have done such a number on my digestive system that even a GI doctor doesn't know what to do. I have so many symptoms now that living is just a nightmare.

Is this why you are on the site; because of benzo withdrawal?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I was a member for about 2 years, but I rarely go there because it is so toxic and makes me feel like doom. The benzos have done such a number on my digestive system that even a GI doctor doesn't know what to do. I have so many symptoms now that living is just a nightmare.

Is this why you are on the site; because of benzo withdrawal?

I have a bunch of really painful medical conditions. That's why I was on benzos in the first place, to help me sleep and cope. I'm here because of all of it, although when I joined the site I was still on the meds and didn't know how much I was going to suffer once I quit.

How long have you been off the meds?

 

[Samsal112]

I have a bunch of really painful medical conditions. That's why I was on benzos in the first place, to help me sleep and cope. I'm here because of all of it, although when I joined the site I was still on the meds and didn't know how much I was going to suffer once I quit.

How long have you been off the meds?

It has been three and a half years since I quit. BUT, I do not hold the belief that the rest of the site holds which is that no one recovers. I believe people can recover. Unfortunately for me, it wrecked my digestive system and the doctors took my gallbladder out because they couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain. I had the surgery before I knew of the dangers of benzos. If my psych had known the damage these drugs can do, I wouldn't have had my gallbladder out which has caused a whole bunch of other issues.

I just can't keep living this way. Since then, I spend all my time detached, brain fogged, tired beyond belief, horrible stomach pain, and laying in bed. That three years of my life that have been affected and I feel my future has been robbed from me. Sorry if that sounds overly dramatic.

 

[thinkkank]

In a similar situation. I've had Long Covid for 13 months now. I used to enjoy life and didn't think things were too bad until I got sick. I can't imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I'm in my 20's

I hope you feel better. What does it feel like to have covid?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

It has been three and a half years since I quit. BUT, I do not hold the belief that the rest of the site holds which is that no one recovers. I believe people can recover. Unfortunately for me, it wrecked my digestive system and the doctors took my gallbladder out because they couldn't figure out why I was in so much pain. I had the surgery before I knew of the dangers of benzos. If my psych had known the damage these drugs can do, I wouldn't have had my gallbladder out which has caused a whole bunch of other issues.

I just can't keep living this way. Since then, I spend all my time detached, brain fogged, tired beyond belief, horrible stomach pain, and laying in bed. That three years of my life that have been affected and I feel my future has been robbed from me. Sorry if that sounds overly dramatic.

It doesn't sound over dramatic to me at all, I could have written it. I've been grieving for my old healthy self for a long time now.

 

[Samsal112]

It doesn't sound over dramatic to me at all, I could have written it. I've been grieving for my old healthy self for a long time now.

Thank you for saying that. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I didn't think I would find anyone on this site who was dealing with benzo withdrawal.

 

[summers]

Caffeine pills are like $4 for a 100 pack.

 

[Samsal112]

Caffeine pills are like $4 for a 100 pack.

Thank you for the suggestion; I appreciate it. I can't have any caffeine due to my stomach being inflamed.

 

[summers]

Thank you for the suggestion; I appreciate it. I can't have any caffeine due to my stomach being inflamed.

Sorry, I thought it was food specifically. Hope this gets better for you.

 

[Onthe29th]

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I want to live too but I'm sick of myself. I wanted to see a therapist and go on medicine but my family told them nothing is wrong with me and I listened to them like an idiot. But then I hear stories like yours about the medicine potentially making things worse when it's supposed to help and that breaks my heart for you. I'm sure it's not easy.

 

[Conflict3d]

I hope you feel better. What does it feel like to have covid?

It's Long Covid so I'm over my initial infection but have horrible symptoms that can't be explained by any medical tests. I have very bad breathing problems, fatigue, vision problems, insomnia, ect. The breathing is the worst though. It feels like i'm not getting enough air with every breath I take even though my oxygen levels are okay. It's been like this for 13 months now with no end in sight

 

[Irrumi]

Sometimes I wish my constant chronic pain didn't hurt me physically. I feel so awful, but it doesn't show up on any exams. It's as if my body is gradually deteriorating. In the end it's like I'm not even sick. No one cares and you feel separated from others.

You do the best you can.

 

[little helpers]

I am delicate to begin with, and I tried telling my psych that I cannot take drugs, but him and my therapist pushed Ambien, Buspar, and Lamotrigine (an anti-convulsant used as an antipsychotic) on me. I ended up having some major mental and stomach issues from the drugs. I quit the Lamotrigine cold turkey and went into horrible withdrawals like brain zaps, insomnia, extreme fatigue, sensitivity to foods and caffeine, a condition known as akathesia, and just feeling detached from myself and my surroundings. To help the withdrawal, I was given Ambien and Xanax which just prolonged the suffering and I eventually became addicted to the Ambien. My psych didn't know how to pull someone off Ambien, so I had to stop them cold turkey myself and that is apparently a big no-no. This doesn't happen to everyone, but benzos are known for causing long term withdrawal known as PAWS or permanent nervous system issues in people. Because of the Ambien, my nervous system is all over the place and I now suffer from terrible symptoms and can have a set back. Again, this doesn't happen to everyone, but I personally believe that they are dangerous. All the anxiety the Ambien and Xanax took away, I had to pay back with interest.

ahh. PAWS. that shit fucking sucks. 1-6 years getting over it. that's what I heard. permanent damage not likely. IMO those shrinks should be sued for malpractice.

 

[medjooled11]

Are we the same person?

My reasons for living are becoming fewer and weaker as time passes.

I'm scared for the immediate future. I'm trying hard not to throw in the towel.

 

[Samsal112]

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I want to live too but I'm sick of myself. I wanted to see a therapist and go on medicine but my family told them nothing is wrong with me and I listened to them like an idiot. But then I hear stories like yours about the medicine potentially making things worse when it's supposed to help and that breaks my heart for you. I'm sure it's not easy.

This is hard. I do believe that medication can help people and for some people it is the best thing. However, I think that Big Pharma and the doctors need to understand that like any medication, not everyone is going to react the same and they should try to help when a paradoxical reaction takes place.

I hope that you are able to find something that helps alleviate your pain and enjoy life :)

 

[Samsal112]

Are we the same person?

My reasons for living are becoming fewer and weaker as time passes.

I'm scared for the immediate future. I'm trying hard not to throw in the towel.

My future is what scares me the most. I am one of those people where I have a plan for everything. Not knowing what my future looks like scares the crap out of me.

ahh. PAWS. that shit fucking sucks. 1-6 years getting over it. that's what I heard. permanent damage not likely. IMO those shrinks should be sued for malpractice.

You saying that it is not permanent damage makes me feel better! I agree that these doctors should be held accountable. I spent probably 3,000 dollars on a shrink who got me sicker and sicker by prescribing every strong antipsychotic that he could. There were days where I was so drugged, I couldn't move.

 

[_Seeking]

I relate to your post, I barely have enough energy for work and nothing else. I haven't been able to have caffeine in 5 years, have never tolerated alcohol, and am very limited in foods due to a mast cell disorder.

I wish pharmaceutical companies had to pay out when they cause people problems, they have no accountability.

 

[Samsal112]

I relate to your post, I barely have enough energy for work and nothing else. I haven't been able to have caffeine in 5 years, have never tolerated alcohol, and am very limited in foods due to a mast cell disorder.

I wish pharmaceutical companies had to pay out when they cause people problems, they have no accountability.

I believe my illness may be due to a mast cell disorder. I often feel like I do more research and looking into what the hell is wrong with me than my specialists and doctors.

 

[_Seeking]

I had to get really sick with my MCAS where I was unable to eat any food at all and had constant reactions until my doctor finally put me on Cromolyn. It has helped me so I am not constantly sick but I am still limited in what I can eat. You could try to take over the counter H1 and H2 antihistamines and see if that helps you. With Cromolyn, it's fairly harmless to take if it doesn't work, so maybe your doctor will prescribe it as a trial to see if it helps you.

 

[Samsal112]

I had to get really sick with my MCAS where I was unable to eat any food at all and had constant reactions until my doctor finally put me on Cromolyn. It has helped me so I am not constantly sick but I am still limited in what I can eat. You could try to take over the counter H1 and H2 antihistamines and see if that helps you. With Cromolyn, it's fairly harmless to take if it doesn't work, so maybe your doctor will prescribe it as a trial to see if it helps you.

Thank you so much for that suggestion! I will definitely look into it.

 

[thinkkank]

It's Long Covid so I'm over my initial infection but have horrible symptoms that can't be explained by any medical tests. I have very bad breathing problems, fatigue, vision problems, insomnia, ect. The breathing is the worst though. It feels like i'm not getting enough air with every breath I take even though my oxygen levels are okay. It's been like this for 13 months now with no end in sight

if someone gets covid what would you recommend they do? what medication should they take?

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I had Covid and was going through cold turkey benzo withdrawal at the exact same time, due to a doctor's idiotic advice. I suffered so badly and continue to suffer but my life is so horrible I've started the benzos again just to keep me from distress. I'm so afraid of becoming addicted again. They are not prescribed to me, but bought from the black market. I am absolutely fucked. Also just had to walk out on my boyfriend, who I love dearly, tonight, because he treats me like absolute shit sometimes and I've had enough. I'll be popping benzos to cope for the foreseeable. If anyone going through similar would like to support each other I'd be happy to PM. So tired of nobody understanding this shit.