Venting I want to live but dying is easier

[dmdmdm]

I want to live a happy live, I want to be social, I want to be loved, I want a girlfriend that I can marry and that I can love and treat perfectly, I want to be a good person.

At the same time I just want to die, it's just so appealing.

I know I will never be normal, I know that I can't be loved, I know that I'm not a good person, I know that my mental illnesses destroy everything that I have, I know that no one would want to be around me.

Either I hate myself and have no confidence or self esteem or I love myself and am a narcisstic scumbag and destroy all my relationships.

I want to be normal but I can't. I just want to die. I can't even partially hang myself successfully.

 

[Namensjemand]

Either I hate myself and have no confidence or self esteem or I love myself and am a narcisstic scumbag and destroy all my relationships.

Know that one very well. Can relate to the whole post. Except that I don't know weather I can yet have a proper, even happy, life. It is a big unknown, quite questionable at this point, but still an unknown full of further hassle, struggle and suffering. But I do know that I will die and that with death it all does not matter anymore either way.
Suicide seems rational. But is life rational?

 

[dmdmdm]

But I do know that I will die and that with death it all does not matter anymore either way.
Suicide seems rational. But is life rational?

Exactly, knowing when you're death nothing matters is what fuels my suicidal intentions the most.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

I wanted to recover too.

After over a decade of trying, I found out it was practically impossible.