kyuuketsuki
weeb & neet ♡
- Oct 8, 2023
- 188
i honestly just want to lie in bed and not eat or drink anything until i die. make it look like a freak accident and i died in my sleep. but i've heard it's really hard to purposefully ctb from starvation before. i have anorexia (that i've been trying to recover from) and have tried this before several times over the years, but always ended up failing. however, i'm cowardly and need an easy and inexpensive method, something that doesn't scare me, something not so difficult to obtain as N/SN. i think this might be something i have to try multiple times until i can actually do it, but maybe i can succeed.
i'm already underweight as well, even after gaining 15lbs during recovery, so there's the possibility i'll be able to die from complications related to that, especially if doing this will allow me to drop more weight. i think if i get to a very low weight again i might be able to get my body to shut down on itself.
however, there is one part i would feel terrible about. my boyfriend's last girlfriend before me was also anorexic and died the same way. i don't know if i have it in me to cause the same pain to them again. i don't really feel too bad about hurting anyone else, my family and i have a strained relationship, but my bf is so dear to me and always tries so hard to support me and help me through my mental issues. but i feel like too much damage has been done and i'm too far gone and i'm only more of a burden when i'm alive and i'm not getting better despite years of therapy and being on medications. i'm feeling torn over this.
i'm already underweight as well, even after gaining 15lbs during recovery, so there's the possibility i'll be able to die from complications related to that, especially if doing this will allow me to drop more weight. i think if i get to a very low weight again i might be able to get my body to shut down on itself.
however, there is one part i would feel terrible about. my boyfriend's last girlfriend before me was also anorexic and died the same way. i don't know if i have it in me to cause the same pain to them again. i don't really feel too bad about hurting anyone else, my family and i have a strained relationship, but my bf is so dear to me and always tries so hard to support me and help me through my mental issues. but i feel like too much damage has been done and i'm too far gone and i'm only more of a burden when i'm alive and i'm not getting better despite years of therapy and being on medications. i'm feeling torn over this.
