SuperLazyPuffin
New Member
- Feb 21, 2021
- 4
So this will be a long post if anyone cares to read it. I'll have a TL:DR at the bottom
So I've been with my wife since we were 14(we're 23 now), it started as a long distance relationship but at 18 she moved in with my mom and I. We're perfect for each other in every way, I don't even know how to put into words how strong our bond is, how much we love and accept each other. We've both agreed if either of us were to die then the other will kill themselves since neither of us would ever want to live in a world without the other. So you can see by killing myself I will be selfishy crushing her and effectively killing her myself.
So I guess I'll go more into why I want to die. I've been depressed since childhood although it wasn't really noticed by my mom and treated until high school but by then school had overwhelmed me to the point where I was doing absolutely no work in school, because the way I cope is by shutting down and doing nothing. Therapy and meds didn't help, I dropped out at the 10th grade. Since then I haven't had a job, haven't gone to college, or have really done anything productive. And it's all because working at least 8 hours a day is so overwhelming for me that I'd rather be dead. That's it, no past trauma, I'm physically healthy, nothing I can point to as to why I can't work other than I'm lazy.
Spending 1/3 of my life working is just to much for me to handle, add on chores and cooking and dishes and all these other adult things that make me miserable I just can't handle it. I can't handle doing what it takes to survive in this world. There's no job I'd ever want, nothing that really interests me that I could spend 40 years doing.
So my wife thinks she can handle finances alone, that I could just be a stay at home husband which would actually make me happy and be manageable but I know she'll never make enough money to do that. She has depression, she's 23 and has only had 2 minimum wage jobs for a few months. She wants to be a entrepreneur and have multiple incomes and shit but I have no faith it'll ever work with me dragging her down.
So I feel I've ruined her life, her dreams, her whole world all because I'm to easily overwhelmed. We want to do so many things together, we want to hike together, travel the world, use drugs like LSD, shrooms, MDMA. Get fast food then get stoned and just eat like a couple happy stoners. So many games to play, movies and TV shows to watch. Recently she's taken a interest in archery, it's not my thing but I'd be happy to learn with her, to have her teach me what she learns. And there's so much more I want to experience with her but I'm throwing away 2 perfectly good life's... Because I'm lazy.
What's even worse is a couple days ago we had a LSD trip (if you haven't used a psychedelic, just know this whole thing was just super intense and full of raw emotion) and during it my she started thinking about my suicidal thoughts that she knows about. She started to feel alone, like I had left her, she was just overwhelmed by the world closing in on her and me not being there to protect her. She kept asking if I was going to leave her and for I while I just didn't know what to say since that answer was maybe(and she knew that), all I could do was hug her sweet innocent soul as she cried. It was like she was mourning for me, we both were. I was so connected to her and her emotions were so strong, I just can't even explain how immensely intense it was. But something clicked in me, I realized I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety my whole life but often kept thinking I was just lazy and not depressed. So I knew I didn't want to let it claim me, this whole time I've been just letting it win without so much as me lifting a finger to fight it but I didn't want to do that anymore, I wanted to give it my all for her, for our love, for that childlike side of her she still has. I couldn't just let feelings of sadness or anxiety or whatever take me from her, we love each other so much and my pain of living would pale in comparison to the pain she'd feel losing me, I know because I felt it. I felt everything that she felt in that moment and I just knew I couldn't give up without a fight, I promised I'd never leave and that if I ever had the urge I'd tell her and we'd work on it together. And I really believed it, that I was going to start small and just try my best at living, even if I can't do everything I want to do or if sometimes I fail or get overwhelmed I'd get up and try again, nothing can break our bond.
But here I am, the next day. I don't know what the fuck I saw, I can't fight my depression or social anxiety, I'm a lazy sack of shit and it all comes down to me just being to easily overwhelmed to work 8 hours a day. I'd rather be dead than have to go through that misery, being an adult is so overwhelming no matter how badly I want I live I can't. I just have no idea what the hell I saw during that trip. Maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking that I could, maybe I just wanted her pain to stop so badly that just for that moment I lied to myself so that I could lie to her. Or maybe in the moment I forgot how overwhelming life is and how I simply can't handle it.
Killing myself will be the hardest thing I'll ever do, the guilt will be unbearable, already thoughts of everything we could of done but never will are racing through my head but I have to die. I know because of me they will always be nothing but a dream.
I'm the most selfish person in the world, so many people have actually good reasons to want to kill myself, and mine comes down to I don't want to work. I have the most amazing wife backing me and yet I want to die. Pathetic
TL:DR: I'm depressed and socially anxious so I can't work. I want to kill myself and leave my soul mate on her own since I know she can't financially support us both.
So I've been with my wife since we were 14(we're 23 now), it started as a long distance relationship but at 18 she moved in with my mom and I. We're perfect for each other in every way, I don't even know how to put into words how strong our bond is, how much we love and accept each other. We've both agreed if either of us were to die then the other will kill themselves since neither of us would ever want to live in a world without the other. So you can see by killing myself I will be selfishy crushing her and effectively killing her myself.
So I guess I'll go more into why I want to die. I've been depressed since childhood although it wasn't really noticed by my mom and treated until high school but by then school had overwhelmed me to the point where I was doing absolutely no work in school, because the way I cope is by shutting down and doing nothing. Therapy and meds didn't help, I dropped out at the 10th grade. Since then I haven't had a job, haven't gone to college, or have really done anything productive. And it's all because working at least 8 hours a day is so overwhelming for me that I'd rather be dead. That's it, no past trauma, I'm physically healthy, nothing I can point to as to why I can't work other than I'm lazy.
Spending 1/3 of my life working is just to much for me to handle, add on chores and cooking and dishes and all these other adult things that make me miserable I just can't handle it. I can't handle doing what it takes to survive in this world. There's no job I'd ever want, nothing that really interests me that I could spend 40 years doing.
So my wife thinks she can handle finances alone, that I could just be a stay at home husband which would actually make me happy and be manageable but I know she'll never make enough money to do that. She has depression, she's 23 and has only had 2 minimum wage jobs for a few months. She wants to be a entrepreneur and have multiple incomes and shit but I have no faith it'll ever work with me dragging her down.
So I feel I've ruined her life, her dreams, her whole world all because I'm to easily overwhelmed. We want to do so many things together, we want to hike together, travel the world, use drugs like LSD, shrooms, MDMA. Get fast food then get stoned and just eat like a couple happy stoners. So many games to play, movies and TV shows to watch. Recently she's taken a interest in archery, it's not my thing but I'd be happy to learn with her, to have her teach me what she learns. And there's so much more I want to experience with her but I'm throwing away 2 perfectly good life's... Because I'm lazy.
What's even worse is a couple days ago we had a LSD trip (if you haven't used a psychedelic, just know this whole thing was just super intense and full of raw emotion) and during it my she started thinking about my suicidal thoughts that she knows about. She started to feel alone, like I had left her, she was just overwhelmed by the world closing in on her and me not being there to protect her. She kept asking if I was going to leave her and for I while I just didn't know what to say since that answer was maybe(and she knew that), all I could do was hug her sweet innocent soul as she cried. It was like she was mourning for me, we both were. I was so connected to her and her emotions were so strong, I just can't even explain how immensely intense it was. But something clicked in me, I realized I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety my whole life but often kept thinking I was just lazy and not depressed. So I knew I didn't want to let it claim me, this whole time I've been just letting it win without so much as me lifting a finger to fight it but I didn't want to do that anymore, I wanted to give it my all for her, for our love, for that childlike side of her she still has. I couldn't just let feelings of sadness or anxiety or whatever take me from her, we love each other so much and my pain of living would pale in comparison to the pain she'd feel losing me, I know because I felt it. I felt everything that she felt in that moment and I just knew I couldn't give up without a fight, I promised I'd never leave and that if I ever had the urge I'd tell her and we'd work on it together. And I really believed it, that I was going to start small and just try my best at living, even if I can't do everything I want to do or if sometimes I fail or get overwhelmed I'd get up and try again, nothing can break our bond.
But here I am, the next day. I don't know what the fuck I saw, I can't fight my depression or social anxiety, I'm a lazy sack of shit and it all comes down to me just being to easily overwhelmed to work 8 hours a day. I'd rather be dead than have to go through that misery, being an adult is so overwhelming no matter how badly I want I live I can't. I just have no idea what the hell I saw during that trip. Maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking that I could, maybe I just wanted her pain to stop so badly that just for that moment I lied to myself so that I could lie to her. Or maybe in the moment I forgot how overwhelming life is and how I simply can't handle it.
Killing myself will be the hardest thing I'll ever do, the guilt will be unbearable, already thoughts of everything we could of done but never will are racing through my head but I have to die. I know because of me they will always be nothing but a dream.
I'm the most selfish person in the world, so many people have actually good reasons to want to kill myself, and mine comes down to I don't want to work. I have the most amazing wife backing me and yet I want to die. Pathetic
TL:DR: I'm depressed and socially anxious so I can't work. I want to kill myself and leave my soul mate on her own since I know she can't financially support us both.