Venting I want to kill my own mother. Is this so wrong?

[lavender143once]

TW:s3xual abus3

I don't think I would actually ever come to doing it but everyday I think of it.

Background: My mother, was brought to America at a young age. She and her family were abused physically and sexually by their own father. Very Obviously did this traumatize the whole family. Because of family values, it was a "mental health" doesn't exist kinda thing. Especially being FOB. Then she grew up to be super unstable, getting pregnant in 20s and become a narcissist like textbook narcissist.

Well with that small background, I am not that kid she gave birth to in her 20s. There were a few more than me. None of them are close relationship with our mom nor physically close, one of my siblings moved to the other side of the planet to get away from that woman. None of us siblings share the same dad either.

She disappeared from my life for a while having an affair, going to jail, and ignoring her children and spouse. She came back into my life at my young age (my mother is much older now,) and I was willing to give her a shot. She ended up making life hell and the little moments of happiness I got from her are over shadowed by emotional and physical abuse. Needless to say non of her baby daddy's and her are together.

Fast forward to this year; All my siblings warned me about moving in with her. I thought because she had a stroke she would be changed. (Stroke was from unhealthy eating and barely any sleep on her part. My dad and I speculate it's because she lied so much everyday, lived too many different lies, she stayed up all night with anxiety trying to wrap her brain around everything she said.)

No. She did not change. Every fucking day she bitches to me and my father about the 20,000 things that are upsetting her and always talks to you like you are the problem. Because she is a narcissist, she is always right she is always wrong. Everyone who meets her says she is so nice until they see the crazy in her slip.

I often wonder how great my life would be without her. She's a capitalist and always wants to spend money on things we don't need and spends like she has a job. She doesn't do much but upset everyone and slowly deteriorate as she gets older. Because she had a stroke, her cognitive functioning is getting significantly lower, and I'm having to take care of her. Old and senile is the best way to describe her.

I wish I could tell you guys I'm working on moving out but this house I'm living in is under my fathers name and the second name is mine. Although my parents don't love each other or sleep in the same bed, they are still married by law.

It feels like I can't fucking do anything other than suffer or fantasize about what could make my life easier.

I'm planning on ordering SN for myself but goodness how I would love to do something else with it.

 

[roxx]

TW:s3xual abus3

I don't think I would actually ever come to doing it but everyday I think of it.

Background: My mother, was brought to America at a young age. She and her family were abused physically and sexually by their own father. Very Obviously did this traumatize the whole family. Because of family values, it was a "mental health" doesn't exist kinda thing. Especially being FOB. Then she grew up to be super unstable, getting pregnant in 20s and become a narcissist like textbook narcissist.

Well with that small background, I am not that kid she gave birth to in her 20s. There were a few more than me. None of them are close relationship with our mom nor physically close, one of my siblings moved to the other side of the planet to get away from that woman. None of us siblings share the same dad either.

She disappeared from my life for a while having an affair, going to jail, and ignoring her children and spouse. She came back into my life at my young age (my mother is much older now,) and I was willing to give her a shot. She ended up making life hell and the little moments of happiness I got from her are over shadowed by emotional and physical abuse. Needless to say non of her baby daddy's and her are together.

Fast forward to this year; All my siblings warned me about moving in with her. I thought because she had a stroke she would be changed. (Stroke was from unhealthy eating and barely any sleep on her part. My dad and I speculate it's because she lied so much everyday, lived too many different lies, she stayed up all night with anxiety trying to wrap her brain around everything she said.)

No. She did not change. Every fucking day she bitches to me and my father about the 20,000 things that are upsetting her and always talks to you like you are the problem. Because she is a narcissist, she is always right she is always wrong. Everyone who meets her says she is so nice until they see the crazy in her slip.

I often wonder how great my life would be without her. She's a capitalist and always wants to spend money on things we don't need and spends like she has a job. She doesn't do much but upset everyone and slowly deteriorate as she gets older. Because she had a stroke, her cognitive functioning is getting significantly lower, and I'm having to take care of her. Old and senile is the best way to describe her.

I wish I could tell you guys I'm working on moving out but this house I'm living in is under my fathers name and the second name is mine. Although my parents don't love each other or sleep in the same bed, they are still married by law.

It feels like I can't fucking do anything other than suffer or fantasize about what could make my life easier.

I'm planning on ordering SN for myself but goodness how I would love to do something else with it.

I really dont like my mother as you do, I grew up on my own, have a very miserable life because she wasnt a present mother during all the time. Now she needs me for everything because she's on her 80's and I'm kind of "her caretaker". Due this statement I progressivelly became suicidal because wasting part of my life taking care of someone that I dont give a s---- is suffocating. I understand completelly your situation, but we're in different suggesting to end the suffering. But, it's so unfair because I could kill myself this year and then she dies next year.....but who knows? If she's one of those elders that keep getting older till 101. I can't live with this, I dont have a house, this is our house and it will be mine after she's gone. I dont that I can take it anymore.
PS ; Im new here, so whats a SN? sorry for ignorance.

 

[lavender143once]

We are in similar situations. It's awful.

SN is sodium nitrate! Please take a look at the new member forums and posts lots of great information there.

 

[telw84]

You arent alone I have thoughts and urges to commit murder frequently just to know what the experience feels like, tho god knows if this is normal, maybe this is similar to your experiences too, maybe it is more common than we would like to believe

 

[Stormy Raine]

Hurt people hurt people! I want to 1st acknowledge your feelings and tell you how deeply sorry I am that you have dealt with her and still dealing with her. I bet she would never see herself as the way you described her. Have you ever had a conversation about the trauma and abuse she caused you? I think if you can't tell her then maybe write her a letter or make a recording, she needs to know her behavior has been horrible and traumatic for you! I won't make this about me too much but my mom gave me up for adoption and I imagine she thought I've have a better life, well my adopted mother was horrible and people don't believe the stories I tell so I keep them as my secret. My biological mother came back in my life and I thought she would beg for forgiveness and she never did so I walked away and never looked back. It's really sad that our parents don't understand how their behavior leave forever imprints on us. You can always chose to walk away, you shouldn't have to ctb to escape her hell she's built. Get out and away if you can and try to enjoy the rest of your life without her!

 

[snoot]

I'm so sorry she's treated you like that. it's horrible that society glorifies mothers and relatives as if being related means you get an excuse to hurt someone. You open up to someone about abuse from your mother and they say "well you have to love her, she gave birth to you!!" smh.
I have read that all kinds of victims of abuse fantasise about murdering their abusers, so I don't think you're wrong for having those thoughts. If anything I wish I had those thoughts lmao, unfortunately when I was in abusive relationships all I wanted to do was kill myself to escape the violence. I think all those thoughts are a kind of escapism.

 

[Meditation guide]

TW:s3xual abus3

I don't think I would actually ever come to doing it but everyday I think of it.

Background: My mother, was brought to America at a young age. She and her family were abused physically and sexually by their own father. Very Obviously did this traumatize the whole family. Because of family values, it was a "mental health" doesn't exist kinda thing. Especially being FOB. Then she grew up to be super unstable, getting pregnant in 20s and become a narcissist like textbook narcissist.

Well with that small background, I am not that kid she gave birth to in her 20s. There were a few more than me. None of them are close relationship with our mom nor physically close, one of my siblings moved to the other side of the planet to get away from that woman. None of us siblings share the same dad either.

She disappeared from my life for a while having an affair, going to jail, and ignoring her children and spouse. She came back into my life at my young age (my mother is much older now,) and I was willing to give her a shot. She ended up making life hell and the little moments of happiness I got from her are over shadowed by emotional and physical abuse. Needless to say non of her baby daddy's and her are together.

Fast forward to this year; All my siblings warned me about moving in with her. I thought because she had a stroke she would be changed. (Stroke was from unhealthy eating and barely any sleep on her part. My dad and I speculate it's because she lied so much everyday, lived too many different lies, she stayed up all night with anxiety trying to wrap her brain around everything she said.)

No. She did not change. Every fucking day she bitches to me and my father about the 20,000 things that are upsetting her and always talks to you like you are the problem. Because she is a narcissist, she is always right she is always wrong. Everyone who meets her says she is so nice until they see the crazy in her slip.

I often wonder how great my life would be without her. She's a capitalist and always wants to spend money on things we don't need and spends like she has a job. She doesn't do much but upset everyone and slowly deteriorate as she gets older. Because she had a stroke, her cognitive functioning is getting significantly lower, and I'm having to take care of her. Old and senile is the best way to describe her.

I wish I could tell you guys I'm working on moving out but this house I'm living in is under my fathers name and the second name is mine. Although my parents don't love each other or sleep in the same bed, they are still married by law.

It feels like I can't fucking do anything other than suffer or fantasize about what could make my life easier.

I'm planning on ordering SN for myself but goodness how I would love to do something else with it.

None of us can help what we think and that is not the issue here, as upsetting as it might be.

The actual act is what would be terrible. Many of us have wanted to kill a parent at some point and I understand that kind of rage but never seriously think of doing it! I know how it feels to be stuck with parents who make your life hell. Someday they will be gone so hang on, this won't be forever.

 

[SexyIncél]

If someone's an awful human being who doesn't deserve their place in our species, then so be it. Doesn't matter their DNA. It's your life, and life's fleeting. Do what you need to make the best of life