There was a period over 10 years ago that I think about a lot. And I've been thinking about it again tonight.
It was hardly perfect. I had just come out of my very first depression and I still had a lot of mental health struggles. Still had significant self-esteem problems, body dysmorphia, some degree of social anxiety (though nothing compared to what it would become). So I have no delusions about that whatsoever. But one thing I did have at the time in spades was hope.
It was my final year of high school. I never really liked school that much but during out final year we actually got to do a lot of creative projects instead. A lot of "normal" school days were scrapped to make room for these final year projects. I spent a lot of time with two friends at the time too working on these various creative projects. And I'm a creative person, so I absolutely loved that. I remember specifically there was a play we had to write out and act with the three of us. And I remember us practicing it on saturdays. Then when we were done for the day going to get kebabs at a local place and then playing some "Halo 3" in my room.
Because this was the final year I also got to look forward to college. Two of the main things that bothered me at school was the fact that so many classes didn't interest me and the whole thing was very structured and not very free. I don't do well with a lot of outside imposed structure and schedule. I'm someone who really needs a lot of freedom. So going to college and finally being able to pick mostly subjects that I was actually interested in. And finally having much more freedom in attending classes or not, how I was gonna go about everything, not having the exact same time for every class every day, etc. I loved that. And, you know, just moving forward with life and being out of high school was good too.
On top of all of that, I'd met my first girlfriend at the beginning of the year. She also struggled with some mental health stuff just like me. But that only made me love her more. She was one of the few people who seemed to be able to really understand me and what I was going through. I loved her very much and I think I can say that she loved me very much too. Maybe the only woman who ever truly did. As a person she also just fit me so well. Especially because she was someone who was still into introverted things (watching TV-series, reading books, etc.) but at the same time she was more extraverted than me. So we could enjoy playing a video game or watching a TV-series or discussing a book together, but then she'd also push me to go to parties, and festivals, and stuff like that. And I like doing those things, I just would never do them on my own.
It was because of her that I went to a music festival for the first time. We had so much fun. I remember standing in the audience with her in my arms listening to Coldplay and being so happy. Or taking a trip with her on her father's speedboat during a warm summer's day, and her falling asleep in my arms on the couch in the evening while we were watching a movie.
I also rode my bike a lot at the time. I was in good shape (much better shape than I am now). And I always had fun seeing the sights. It was a degree of freedom, I guess.
And I just had her to talk to every day. She chased me too at the start of our relationship. I didn't chase her. And that felt good. It made me feel attractive and wanted. Two things I've barely ever felt in my life.
Like I said at the start of the post... I know that time wasn't perfect. I still had mental health issues. I still struggled at many times. But I had so many things in my life that just made it worth living. And that made me be able to look at the nexy day, or the next week, or the next month, or the next year, and think... yeah, I want that. I want to be there for that. I'm looking forward to what comes next.
That's just something I don't have anymore.
2023 was such a mixed year for me... in many ways my life was still crap. I had a girlfriend I loved a lot and who seemed to fit me perfectly and those moments with her were always very happy, but everything else was still... hard. I certainly looked forward to seeing her every time. And I looked forward to living with HER. But during 2023 I never looked forward to living my life for its own sake. Not like that time over 10 years ago. Where for a little while everything seemed to be looking up.
And, you know, the relationship ended in October anyway so... since then I have nothing again.
In a lot of ways I feel ashamed about it... I feel like I squandered a lot of time between then and now. Like I probably could've the time right after that so much better than it was. If my social anxiety, and failure anxiety, and depression hadn't all gotten worse again when I entered college.
But the overpowering thought peaking out above all of it is just: I want to go back. Take me back to then. I would do almost anything for it.
P.S. Sorry if the "Off Topic" part of the site isn't intended for this kind of personal "rant" or whatever. I just wasn't sure where to put this. This is kind of why I think a general "mental health" section might be a good idea. But I figured this didn't fit in the suicide part cuz I don't talk about that here directly. But also not recovery since this isn't about recovering. So, anyway, I hope I chose right.
It was hardly perfect. I had just come out of my very first depression and I still had a lot of mental health struggles. Still had significant self-esteem problems, body dysmorphia, some degree of social anxiety (though nothing compared to what it would become). So I have no delusions about that whatsoever. But one thing I did have at the time in spades was hope.
It was my final year of high school. I never really liked school that much but during out final year we actually got to do a lot of creative projects instead. A lot of "normal" school days were scrapped to make room for these final year projects. I spent a lot of time with two friends at the time too working on these various creative projects. And I'm a creative person, so I absolutely loved that. I remember specifically there was a play we had to write out and act with the three of us. And I remember us practicing it on saturdays. Then when we were done for the day going to get kebabs at a local place and then playing some "Halo 3" in my room.
Because this was the final year I also got to look forward to college. Two of the main things that bothered me at school was the fact that so many classes didn't interest me and the whole thing was very structured and not very free. I don't do well with a lot of outside imposed structure and schedule. I'm someone who really needs a lot of freedom. So going to college and finally being able to pick mostly subjects that I was actually interested in. And finally having much more freedom in attending classes or not, how I was gonna go about everything, not having the exact same time for every class every day, etc. I loved that. And, you know, just moving forward with life and being out of high school was good too.
On top of all of that, I'd met my first girlfriend at the beginning of the year. She also struggled with some mental health stuff just like me. But that only made me love her more. She was one of the few people who seemed to be able to really understand me and what I was going through. I loved her very much and I think I can say that she loved me very much too. Maybe the only woman who ever truly did. As a person she also just fit me so well. Especially because she was someone who was still into introverted things (watching TV-series, reading books, etc.) but at the same time she was more extraverted than me. So we could enjoy playing a video game or watching a TV-series or discussing a book together, but then she'd also push me to go to parties, and festivals, and stuff like that. And I like doing those things, I just would never do them on my own.
It was because of her that I went to a music festival for the first time. We had so much fun. I remember standing in the audience with her in my arms listening to Coldplay and being so happy. Or taking a trip with her on her father's speedboat during a warm summer's day, and her falling asleep in my arms on the couch in the evening while we were watching a movie.
I also rode my bike a lot at the time. I was in good shape (much better shape than I am now). And I always had fun seeing the sights. It was a degree of freedom, I guess.
And I just had her to talk to every day. She chased me too at the start of our relationship. I didn't chase her. And that felt good. It made me feel attractive and wanted. Two things I've barely ever felt in my life.
Like I said at the start of the post... I know that time wasn't perfect. I still had mental health issues. I still struggled at many times. But I had so many things in my life that just made it worth living. And that made me be able to look at the nexy day, or the next week, or the next month, or the next year, and think... yeah, I want that. I want to be there for that. I'm looking forward to what comes next.
That's just something I don't have anymore.
2023 was such a mixed year for me... in many ways my life was still crap. I had a girlfriend I loved a lot and who seemed to fit me perfectly and those moments with her were always very happy, but everything else was still... hard. I certainly looked forward to seeing her every time. And I looked forward to living with HER. But during 2023 I never looked forward to living my life for its own sake. Not like that time over 10 years ago. Where for a little while everything seemed to be looking up.
And, you know, the relationship ended in October anyway so... since then I have nothing again.
In a lot of ways I feel ashamed about it... I feel like I squandered a lot of time between then and now. Like I probably could've the time right after that so much better than it was. If my social anxiety, and failure anxiety, and depression hadn't all gotten worse again when I entered college.
But the overpowering thought peaking out above all of it is just: I want to go back. Take me back to then. I would do almost anything for it.
P.S. Sorry if the "Off Topic" part of the site isn't intended for this kind of personal "rant" or whatever. I just wasn't sure where to put this. This is kind of why I think a general "mental health" section might be a good idea. But I figured this didn't fit in the suicide part cuz I don't talk about that here directly. But also not recovery since this isn't about recovering. So, anyway, I hope I chose right.
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