I kinda get how you feel. self sabotage just give you more reasons to confirm your reasons to ctb even more. i'll try to give two takes on this. I also get wanting to put it here because your opinions wont be accepted elsewhere.
on the first hand, self sabotage all you want. maybe the "fuck it" attitude gives you that feeling that your craving, that you just don't get anywhere else. immersing yourself in self disease. do the things you want to that no one in their right mind would do cuz you can now, and who knows maybe if you accidently get better someday, you'll have really fucking cool stories to tell. (maybe don't get too wreckless tho, you don't want cops or the law involved or ending up hospitalized.) i'm not 100% sure how to destroy your life but i have some thoughts. (i'm not promoting any of this behavior just ideas my mind spits). sh, trying a lot of new drugs (shroom, heroin, diff types of alcohol, cocaine, etc), maybe go to more parties, get risky with new ppl (js be careful), cut ties with ppl close to u then stalk them to watch them decay, maybe create a fake account to get close to ur friend as "a different person", cut them off, then watch them vent to their other friend that's actually u idk if maybe you would like that, car races, go to abandoned places, grafiti, disappoint someone, toxic relationships, cheat on ur partner, etc. idk still not promoting this stuff at all just ideas that poped in my head when trying to think of how to destroy my life
on the other hand, which is what im doing. maybe just an idea but trying to be nice to urself. if you have a ctb plan, just prepare for it and try to do things that are good for you. maybe go on a walk, help people out, volunteer, self-care, going to scenic locations. i know this sounds like im trying to get you to recover but it's not. if your determined enough to ctb, it won't change your mind. being nice to yourself might just give you closure though. knowing you enjoyed the things life has to give.
whatever you choose to do is your doing but i hope you find happiness in whatever you do <3