bubbledumbprin
Member
- Nov 18, 2024
- 11
PMDD.
Ten days of every month I am intensely suicidal. Sometimes a little less, sometimes, most of the time.. more. I fantasise in graphic detail about all the various ways I could do it. Where and what with. How I would say goodbye, if at all. I usually have a date set and notes written, then I wake up clear headed, although I still have major depression, chronic anxiety and BPD, I wake up free from the constant thoughts, the craving for death.
I'm tired of this cycle. I have told a couple of people in real life, and they never react quite like how movies and TV series show people reacting. They say that if you're feeling suicidal, then you should tell people, and I've seen people lamenting after a suicide, saying such things like, "I wish I had known" or "if only they had told me". Well my limited circle can't say that stuff. I told my doctor too, all that got me was a visit from the social services and an offer of tablets. I've participated in the medication game for ten years. Earlier this year I finally stopped taking them. Hindering more than they've ever managed to help. NHS has never offered me proper therapy, they offer a weekly chat about how things are going, or CBT. Y'know, the usual.
Social services were fairly useless, I told them the truth, that I have had suicidal thoughts for over 20 years. A well meaning woman came round to my house once a week, for a couple of months. I received a few Sainsburys (big food shop) vouchers, which were helpful, meant I could pay money to debtors, avoid another couple of CCJ's. which is nice. It's all very nice.
My boyfriend got tired of the mood swings and the never ending sadness. We split in March. I miss him. I miss him so much. PMDD and all the rest of it, they take all the good things from you, and I let it happen. I could've.. tried harder. But I was, and am, tired.
I'm not sure if people in the UK are still allowed to post, if not, then I'm sorry. Please delete. But please don't remove my account. I need you all. I wish we could meet each other :) you're the only ones that understand. You understand me. Maybe not PMDD but, the desire for peace.
I want to hang or jump. But I am a coward. By the time I figured out the DMC hints and had saved up enough money, the website was taken down. Is there an alternative for us here, on this island filled with censorship and hate. There is so much hate here. Surrounded by St. G flags and Reform supporters.
Love you all, N
Ten days of every month I am intensely suicidal. Sometimes a little less, sometimes, most of the time.. more. I fantasise in graphic detail about all the various ways I could do it. Where and what with. How I would say goodbye, if at all. I usually have a date set and notes written, then I wake up clear headed, although I still have major depression, chronic anxiety and BPD, I wake up free from the constant thoughts, the craving for death.
I'm tired of this cycle. I have told a couple of people in real life, and they never react quite like how movies and TV series show people reacting. They say that if you're feeling suicidal, then you should tell people, and I've seen people lamenting after a suicide, saying such things like, "I wish I had known" or "if only they had told me". Well my limited circle can't say that stuff. I told my doctor too, all that got me was a visit from the social services and an offer of tablets. I've participated in the medication game for ten years. Earlier this year I finally stopped taking them. Hindering more than they've ever managed to help. NHS has never offered me proper therapy, they offer a weekly chat about how things are going, or CBT. Y'know, the usual.
Social services were fairly useless, I told them the truth, that I have had suicidal thoughts for over 20 years. A well meaning woman came round to my house once a week, for a couple of months. I received a few Sainsburys (big food shop) vouchers, which were helpful, meant I could pay money to debtors, avoid another couple of CCJ's. which is nice. It's all very nice.
My boyfriend got tired of the mood swings and the never ending sadness. We split in March. I miss him. I miss him so much. PMDD and all the rest of it, they take all the good things from you, and I let it happen. I could've.. tried harder. But I was, and am, tired.
I'm not sure if people in the UK are still allowed to post, if not, then I'm sorry. Please delete. But please don't remove my account. I need you all. I wish we could meet each other :) you're the only ones that understand. You understand me. Maybe not PMDD but, the desire for peace.
I want to hang or jump. But I am a coward. By the time I figured out the DMC hints and had saved up enough money, the website was taken down. Is there an alternative for us here, on this island filled with censorship and hate. There is so much hate here. Surrounded by St. G flags and Reform supporters.
Love you all, N
