O
onlyforever1
Member
- Oct 27, 2024
- 6
I'm assuming everyone will ridicule my problems because the most recent thing I have become fixated on as a reason to ctb is my weight. I am extremely overweight, I know I'm disgusting, I know I did this to myself no one needs to point that out. I've become psychotically obsessed with not gaining weight so I don't lose mobility and don't become even more disabled. I'm trans, transmasc supposedly, but I'm too fat to transition.
I know people look at me when I walk down the street and think god why haven't they killed themselves yet. I would kill myself instantly if I looked like that.
I have mostly made peace with never having sex or having a relationship or even friends who aren't online or embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm 33 and I know that those things just aren't going to happen.
but I can't face losing my mobility, I can't face being housebound. I have so many great friends and I love my mom so much and me ctbing will kill her for sure but I've known that for 30 years and my empathy is wearing thin.
please I know everyone wants to say "just lose weight it's so easy" I know I'm many many things but I'm not fucking stupid. I can't. I literally want to eat more than I want to live. I don't even eat that badly, a lot of my weight is genetics and I gained 100lbs during a depressive episode in 2016 and even my mother said she was disgusted by me when she saw me come home.
the thing is I am so so scared of ctb. I am terrified of being alone even though I know that even if I don't ctb I'll be completely alone when my mom dies. I don't want to leave the people and things that I love behind, I want to feel better even if I eventually ctb when my mom dies, I want to be happy and do the things that make me happy but I just. can't.
I have the best therapist and even she doesn't think I'm going to make it through the year. I have so many things I wanted to do. I'm so sorry for my mom who will have to clean out my apartment when I'm gone.
I'm getting in to a clinic that does TMS and esketamine but I don't have high hopes. At the least I think there will be a waiting list until January at the soonest and I just don't think I'm going to make it that long.
I love my job but recently had to take two weeks remote to deal with issues from an attempted med change. I think a lot about quitting my job to force myself to ctb before I get evicted.
I know people look at me when I walk down the street and think god why haven't they killed themselves yet. I would kill myself instantly if I looked like that.
I have mostly made peace with never having sex or having a relationship or even friends who aren't online or embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm 33 and I know that those things just aren't going to happen.
but I can't face losing my mobility, I can't face being housebound. I have so many great friends and I love my mom so much and me ctbing will kill her for sure but I've known that for 30 years and my empathy is wearing thin.
please I know everyone wants to say "just lose weight it's so easy" I know I'm many many things but I'm not fucking stupid. I can't. I literally want to eat more than I want to live. I don't even eat that badly, a lot of my weight is genetics and I gained 100lbs during a depressive episode in 2016 and even my mother said she was disgusted by me when she saw me come home.
the thing is I am so so scared of ctb. I am terrified of being alone even though I know that even if I don't ctb I'll be completely alone when my mom dies. I don't want to leave the people and things that I love behind, I want to feel better even if I eventually ctb when my mom dies, I want to be happy and do the things that make me happy but I just. can't.
I have the best therapist and even she doesn't think I'm going to make it through the year. I have so many things I wanted to do. I'm so sorry for my mom who will have to clean out my apartment when I'm gone.
I'm getting in to a clinic that does TMS and esketamine but I don't have high hopes. At the least I think there will be a waiting list until January at the soonest and I just don't think I'm going to make it that long.
I love my job but recently had to take two weeks remote to deal with issues from an attempted med change. I think a lot about quitting my job to force myself to ctb before I get evicted.