Venting I want to get better so bad but I know I won't

[onlyforever1]

I'm assuming everyone will ridicule my problems because the most recent thing I have become fixated on as a reason to ctb is my weight. I am extremely overweight, I know I'm disgusting, I know I did this to myself no one needs to point that out. I've become psychotically obsessed with not gaining weight so I don't lose mobility and don't become even more disabled. I'm trans, transmasc supposedly, but I'm too fat to transition.

I know people look at me when I walk down the street and think god why haven't they killed themselves yet. I would kill myself instantly if I looked like that.

I have mostly made peace with never having sex or having a relationship or even friends who aren't online or embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm 33 and I know that those things just aren't going to happen.

but I can't face losing my mobility, I can't face being housebound. I have so many great friends and I love my mom so much and me ctbing will kill her for sure but I've known that for 30 years and my empathy is wearing thin.

please I know everyone wants to say "just lose weight it's so easy" I know I'm many many things but I'm not fucking stupid. I can't. I literally want to eat more than I want to live. I don't even eat that badly, a lot of my weight is genetics and I gained 100lbs during a depressive episode in 2016 and even my mother said she was disgusted by me when she saw me come home.

the thing is I am so so scared of ctb. I am terrified of being alone even though I know that even if I don't ctb I'll be completely alone when my mom dies. I don't want to leave the people and things that I love behind, I want to feel better even if I eventually ctb when my mom dies, I want to be happy and do the things that make me happy but I just. can't.

I have the best therapist and even she doesn't think I'm going to make it through the year. I have so many things I wanted to do. I'm so sorry for my mom who will have to clean out my apartment when I'm gone.

I'm getting in to a clinic that does TMS and esketamine but I don't have high hopes. At the least I think there will be a waiting list until January at the soonest and I just don't think I'm going to make it that long.

I love my job but recently had to take two weeks remote to deal with issues from an attempted med change. I think a lot about quitting my job to force myself to ctb before I get evicted.

 

[Biblom2000]

Apparently you have a lot of problems, but in the title you say that you want to be better anyway, which means that you don't really want to commit suicide but rather that the suffering stops, right? I don't believe that people want you to commit suicide, they don't have any logical reason, they just see you differently out of ignorance.
In addition to the treatment and perhaps diet you follow, are you doing anything to change that type of mentality you have? I am not going to give you an absolute truth that will solve all your problems, even if I wanted to, I couldn't, that task is up to you, but I know that you can change, we all can and that is not a lie.

 

[Leiot]

If anyone tells you losing weight is easy slap them. It's not. It's one of the hardest things I've done.

As far as how people look at you - you're safe here.

 

[onlyforever1]

Apparently you have a lot of problems, but in the title you say that you want to be better anyway, which means that you don't really want to commit suicide but rather that the suffering stops, right? I don't believe that people want you to commit suicide, they don't have any logical reason, they just see you differently out of ignorance.
In addition to the treatment and perhaps diet you follow, are you doing anything to change that type of mentality you have? I am not going to give you an absolute truth that will solve all your problems, even if I wanted to, I couldn't, that task is up to you, but I know that you can change, we all can and that is not a lie.

Yes, this is true. I don't want to die, but I don't see any other way out. I've been in therapy since 2015 but I don't know how to change this mentality because I know I'm 100% right, that I don't have anything to look forward to other than disability and death. I've lived so far past my expiration date.

 

[Biblom2000]

Sí, es verdad. No quiero morir, pero no veo otra salida. Estoy en terapia desde 2015, pero no sé cómo cambiar esta mentalidad porque sé que tengo toda la razón, que no tengo nada que esperar más que la discapacidad y la muerte. He vivido mucho más allá de mi fecha de caducidad.

Si estuvieras 100% en lo cierto no estarías lidiando con ese deseo de suicidarte, te estás pudriendo en vida y eso no tiene por qué ser malo, todos nos pudrimos hasta que llega la muerte, lo importante es como te sientes en el proceso.
Dices que te espera la discapacidad y la muerte, pero estás asumiendo algo que ni siquiera ha sucedido, no te digo que Dios va a aparecer y te concederá algún deseo, algunas personas tienen que trabajar más que otras para conseguir algo que quieren, el mundo es así de loco e injusto, no dejes que se salga con la suya, perder peso es difícil pero no imposible.