I want to get better but not sure if I can

[yellowroses]

I want to recover, I really do, and I feel like I've been trying so hard to, but I only seem to be getting worse. I have borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective, OCD, agoraphobia and depression, and am in the process of being formally diagnosed with autism. Needless to say, most days my brain feels completely fucked. I can't work, can't leave the house, don't even feel safe in my own home anymore because of intense paranoia and hallucinations.

Sometimes, for a little while I can convince myself I'm doing okay, but everything shatters at the slightest incident. Everyone I've spoken to with what I have, particularly the schizoaffective, says it only gets worse as you age, and none of the therapy or meds I've tried have helped at all. I want to heal, but I feel like it's a pointless battle. I love this world, truly, but I'm so goddamn tired of fighting, tired of watching my life devolve into a living Hell. I'm scared of the day I'll lose what's left of my mind.

Has anyone actually made it out the other side? Is there a point to any of this? All I want is peace...

 

[lucynpt]

I can't say that I understand your feeling or what's you've been through, I don't know how to get over it. But as someone who is suffering (a lots) anxiety, used to be deppressed and cut my own hand; I know that you must be so strong that you still make it until now. Please don't give up.

I could never afford for therapy so I have no idea if it's work for someone. But I learn some "trick" on the internet; I started to write journal, to release the negative emotions, and somehow I'm getting better in my own way.

 

[timf]

You might try experimenting with Inostitol for the OCD and SAMe for the depression. They aren't cures and may be ineffective, however, if it is possible to take a little of the edge off, it may prove useful. Even good nutrition can be helpful so that your particular neurology can do the best it can.

You may also want to experiment with some activity that is not impacted by your neurology. For example, if you have an interest in art, music, writing, or some craft, you might be able to invest in activities that help keep your world from narrowing towards bleakness.

 

[exiled]

Hey! Sounds like we have a little bit in common. I have BPD, OCD, and severe agoraphobia. There have been points in my life where I could not even leave my bedroom for months at a time. Somehow, I have been freed from that. Though, I relapse every few years it seems. I know I cannot fully understand your entire situation but there are aspects I surely do get. I am really happy to hear that you want to try and fight. I believe that if that fire is there within you, then you absolute can do it. I don't believe the path is an easy one and I don't discredit your pain and the fact that you might have a plan or method in your back pocket. If you do, there isn't any shame here. But I just want you to know that if you truly want to fight, I'll fight with you. You can message me if you need someone to talk to that can relate to at least some of your struggles. I'm in a place where I am fighting too. Mine stems a little more from fear of CTB rather than actually wanting to live, but I am hoping that as I continue to press on, contentment will somehow find me. Or I, it.