I am diagnosed with bipolar and adhd. I'm too mentally ill to come back and confirm if it's bpd and autism instead of bipolar but I've basically been self-diagnosed for a while. I don't think it matters that much which it is. I doubt there is hope. Especially because I can't take medication.
Im 27 and have never been employed my whole life, financially dependent and always sad.
The depressive episodes always feel like the worse and I'm finally at my lowest point and will soon be ready to CTB but I also kind of think I never truly will. Then right after I start to feel better and have hope again and do so much to the point of depressing burnout then the cycle repeats. And I put myself in dangerous and traumatic situations. Even when I am happy I want to die. I've always wished I was dead or better yet, never born. I wish my mom's abortion attempt was successful.
I'm afraid that I'm simply too anxious. I got scared to touch an unloaded gun, I am unable to swallow pills and most recently, I got freighted about the thought of hanging myself that I called people for help. I identified where I would do it and started hiding like someone was forcing me to do it. I find this very odd and have jealousy for people who are brave enough to attempt and especially those who actually succeed. I don't want to attempt unless I am 100% certain it would work. Then I want to make sure it's the least traumatizing for my pets and loved ones. I have many people that I love but I don't think anyone truly loves me back. It doesn't matter because I believe that I am unlovable.
I wish I could be euthanized asap
Im 27 and have never been employed my whole life, financially dependent and always sad.
The depressive episodes always feel like the worse and I'm finally at my lowest point and will soon be ready to CTB but I also kind of think I never truly will. Then right after I start to feel better and have hope again and do so much to the point of depressing burnout then the cycle repeats. And I put myself in dangerous and traumatic situations. Even when I am happy I want to die. I've always wished I was dead or better yet, never born. I wish my mom's abortion attempt was successful.
I'm afraid that I'm simply too anxious. I got scared to touch an unloaded gun, I am unable to swallow pills and most recently, I got freighted about the thought of hanging myself that I called people for help. I identified where I would do it and started hiding like someone was forcing me to do it. I find this very odd and have jealousy for people who are brave enough to attempt and especially those who actually succeed. I don't want to attempt unless I am 100% certain it would work. Then I want to make sure it's the least traumatizing for my pets and loved ones. I have many people that I love but I don't think anyone truly loves me back. It doesn't matter because I believe that I am unlovable.
I wish I could be euthanized asap
