I want to fucking scream.

[RainAndSadness]

I'm so done with this. Nobody hears me. Nobody listens. I'm invisible. I'm nobody. I could die today and nobody would give a shit. Nobody would notice. I'm already a ghost, it's like I died years ago. And it certainly feels like that. I don't feel alive anymore. The pain doesn't stop. It will never stop. There is no way out of this misery, it only gets worse. Every year that I'm prolonging my exit, it only keeps getting worse. There is no meaning behind it. It only prolongs my suffering. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare when I sleep, it's a nightmare when I'm awake and I don't know what's worse. It's a never ending loop, it resets every day when I wake up/go to sleep. This is literally a prison and I'm so exhausted, I can't take this any longer. I'm so tired of my own thoughts, it's all I hear every day. It's just me, my own voice. I fucking hate this isolated life, my whole life it's been just me. Nobody else. This forsaken loneliness is slowly eating me up inside, it's so fucking unbearable. I feel the void growing with each day that I'm alive and it's nothing but misery and bitterness. It's literally a black hole and it consumes everything that's slightly positive. All this resentment, anger and grief about a life that shouldn't have existed in the first place, all the sadness and self-pity built up inside me and there is no amount of drugs and therapy that could ever remove it. I've lost myself a long time ago and I probably should have left probably 3 years ago when I still felt something. I feel caged, distant to everyone. And nobody understands, nobody relates. People say they do but I have strong doubts. Suicide would literally have prevented suffering in my case and it stings so much that all the time I've delayed my exit only caused more harm to my sanity and I'm definitely in a worse spot than I was 3 years ago, when I received my N. I want to scream my lungs out so badly. I want to make noise and show that I'm still there, that I want people to reckoning me and understand and that I have needs as well. But it's all just empty platitudes, it's all that you get in this cold world, over and over and over again until it literally makes you gag. I don't want to hear how things get better after my whole life has been turned to shit and nothing. Nothing came out of my existence, it all crumbled and failed. It's gone. It all could have gone into a different direction but that's where I am now, at the absolute bottom of this dark spiral to nothingness. It's so depressing. And what's worse, it doesn't stop. It keeps going and tumbling down into eternity. That's what's so amazing about all that pain, there is no limit. It grows indefinitely and infinitely and when you think you're at your absolute lowest, it keeps going. It's all just darkness. This world is absolutely insane, I don't understand how anyone can endure more than one day on this rotten place.

 

[summers]

@RainAndSadness , I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Message me on discord if you want to talk or vent.

 

[Legalizemybody]

I relate. I feel like my only option is a gun because finding N is too difficult and unreliable. I wake up and I punch my self as hard as I can. Sometimes go for the head. I hear you.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I hear you and i relate to every word you said. There is no limit to how bad things can get. I pray that our misery ends soon enough

 

[bed]

I understand what you mean when you feel like you're at rock bottom at and it just keeps getting worse. You described the feeling better than I ever could. I too just want to scream till I phase out of this existence

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

But if you open your mouth to share how much pain you're in, either you hear it's your fault because you're not doing what the other person thinks you should, or worse, you're told you're not entitled to compassion, kindness, courtesy, dignity--even something as simple as night-time quiet so you can rest.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I wish I was capable of saying something that would alleviate some of your pain. I'm sorry you are suffering so much..

 

[Simba]

Hugs you ,id give a shit bout you ,i gettit.. one time in school during meeting with the therapist she said i could knock down all the tables in the caravan so maybe you could do something similar ,take something or get something that you dont care bout whatsover and just throw it ,break it n whatever ,get your feelings out ,i know myself it aint good keeping feelings inside till you explode and youre right ,in the end the only person that will truely get you is yourself ,i know i said i understand but no one will ever know unless they are in your shoes.. society has a long way to go in understanding us ,and thatll probably take years before they ever acknowledge that they are sorely lacking in understanding humans who arent considered the "norm" ,who have hightened moods ,or are at a sinking low ,it never ends and yeah its sounde bleak but life was never meant to be all pink or roses.. at the end of the day ,its probably another illusion ,crushing another persons ideals and expections for a somewhat "good life" ,we are born in to this world so careless and naive and carefree ,but its stuff that society does that we end up with a deep sense of awareness to our surroundings ,too aware of the pain ,our pain ,that we just cant bare it no more.. but we keep on clinging to "hope" ... is there really any hope at this point of life either ? Maybe its pointless but its us against ourselves ,we are our own worst enemy in the end

 

[forgotten15]

I am so sorry you are suffering. I definitely relate to the things you wrote. I wish i could say something encouraging but the truth is things only get worse in this world. I have stopped hoping for better

 

[http-410]

If you want to scream, let it out. Seriously, it can (but doesn't have to) help.

Even though it's paradoxical, I can relate to your post, especially the pain and the feeling of not being understood. I too feel that no one understands me - even here, where there are many fellow sufferers.

Even when people say they understand, I don't feel they do. Maybe they really do, but doubts always remain. In fact, I don't think anyone can 100% empathize with the other person and understand their feelings. They are not me, have not experienced what I have experienced. So I don't know if I can expect someone to understand me, but I would be relieved if they could at least relate or guess what's going on inside me.

Probably what I write also sounds like I can't understand. Maybe I can't either. I can only tell you that you are not alone and that I, and others here too, can at least empathize with your suffering.

Would you like to share why you are feeling worse right now?

 

[Anxieyote]

I can feel the deep misery resonating from this post.

You really didn't deserve to feel this way at any point during your existence. I'm almost speechless when I see the extent of someone's suffering, and then think of how many people are continuing to reproduce. Every one of them is taking the chance that their child will end up like this.

I am just thankful that abortion is becoming normalized. It doesn't just prevent suffering for the woman who has an unwanted child—but also the suffering of a person who won't ever have to experience what we've been through.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, being alive really is a horrible thing. There is unlimited potential for suffering in this life. All I want is to be free from this world. We were all perfectly fine not existing until we were forced to live. I see existence as being completely unnecessary. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[AtMostOkay]

As others have expressed, your pain and grief and screams are heard, acknowledged and validated. I care for you, sight and sound unseen. Much love your way.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Yes.
Thats how I also feel.
Every fuckin moment of every fuckin day :: I get yr exhaustion.
Maybe take one day at a time, nah.
Take one nanosecond at a time.
White knuckling thru....
XM /Triggerhappy

 

[whitefeather]

Thank you for this scientific description of the hominid planet