Discussion I want to end it tonight but I'm terrified

[kufajoy]

I'm 26 years old men born in a religious muslim family in a South Asia.

Because I was different,I was always lonely. I couldnt fitted the society.

I don't know if it's my mental illness or not but I never felt like a men. The more I age the more I feel like I'm a woman.

But keeping those feeling inside me getting heavier everyday. its impossible for me to live a life that I want. The society won't let me. Family pressuring me to marry someone but because I couldn't make any friends in my life I'm afraid my partner might not like me too. She might hate my feminine side too.

I tried partial hanging 2 days ago and within like 5 second I felt I'm vision getting upside down humming sounds on head. Because I born in a religious family hell, afterlife that kind of stuffs burned like a DVD in my head. I panicked thinking about afterlife and chickened out. I want to try it again tonight. What's the best thing I can do to stop thinking about afterlife stuffs when hanging myself? In want to try the partial hanging method again. For some reason when I tried for the first time it felt like it's the best method for me.

 

[monkeysee2]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. There's nothing wrong with you, the whole idea of what a 'man' should be is made up. No one fits this ideal. It does sound like you might be trans.

It's hard but don't let your family pressure you into marriage.

Maybe you could try applying as an asylum seeker to another country? Or tell your family you want to study abroad?

 

[kufajoy]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. There's nothing wrong with you, the whole idea of what a 'man' should be is made up. No one fits this ideal. It does sound like you might be trans.

It's hard but don't let your family pressure you into marriage.

Maybe you could try applying as an asylum seeker to another country? Or tell your family you want to study abroad?

I just completed my masters degree. Don't have enough cash to anything right now and I don't think my parents will agree sending me abroad for higher education ;)

For asylum seekers I think some Evidence of Persecution is needed. But if I don't expose myself I wont have any of it.

I don't even have any fight left in me. I'm so tired. Depression killing me everyday. I don't think I can wait any longer.

 

[monkeysee2]

I just completed my masters degree. Don't have enough cash to anything right now and I don't think my parents will agree sending me abroad for higher education ;)

For asylum seekers I think some Evidence of Persecution is needed. But if I don't expose myself I wont have any of it.

I don't even have any fight left in me. I'm so tired. Depression killing me everyday. I don't think I can wait any longer.

Maybe apply for jobs in a more liberal city in your country. There might be groups of other trans people you could join, or charities.

If your parents don't agree then you could cut them off. I know many societies are transphobic at the moment, especially muslim ones.

I'm just sorry you're suffering like this, the world can be a really cruel place. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[PI3.14]

Another soul tortured by the religion of peace.

Sorry you're struggling, I'm born in a religious household too, just across the Persian gulf from you.

If you've completed your masters, you can apply for PhD programs in Europe and the north America that come with a stipend, if that is an option for you.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm so sorry you are trapped in the situation that is not your choice. As members already mentioned, it seems you need to leave your country if you're feeling like seeking the opportunity. I don't know anything about refugee admissions, and my country is sadly accepting very few refugees. I'm sorry. So I want to leave this to other users and just hope you the best no matter what decision you take.

the north America

I'm not in the north America but the United States doesn't seem a good option until that person resigns his presidency.