Venting I want to end a friendship so i can CTB

[restingplace]

My best friend is geniuenly my favourite person on this earth but we're both struggling a lot and I worry for him to the point where I feel sick and in pain. I just want to help him but I know I can't help him unless my own mental health gets better but weirdly enough I don't want it to, I just want to CTB. The SN I ordered got confiscated during shipping so that's no longer an option but I have a rope and might buy a scalpel soon to do the job right.

I really don't know what to do because I know my best friend is scared for me but I'm scared for him too. I want to die so I don't have to one, feel the awful pain of seeing him suffer and two, so that he doesn't worry or feel pain because of Me. I was thinking to end the friendship either the week of or the day before I CTB so that it won't hurt as much and it'll be more secret but I know that would destroy him. In my defence he's got our mutual friend and his boyfriend so he doesn't really need me.

I'm in so much pain I can't stand it

 

[LetMeBeSad]

Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I love her so much I don't want her to hurt but, I also just want to go. I know if I end the friendship, that may hurt just as much as me just ending it. I want to be gone so badly. And I know she doesn't want to be here either.