Venting I want to die but I'm not sure my life is bad enough to bother.

[8more2go]

I have desired death for so long. Almost half of my life. So many half hearted attempts that I cry to my parents or partners about after SI stops me, that or the pain of the method.

But now that I have access to a gun, I have a plan. A real plan. Press a button and lights out. What I've always dreamed of. But I'm still afraid. I have friends that I love and love me, I have hobbies and a family, theres a real chance it actually could get better. Am I just stupid and immature for still dreaming about oblivion?

I don't want to live in this world. I don't want to be happy in this country. I don't want my tax dollars to directly fund a living hell somewhere else in the world just to "maintain our way of life." I don't want "9-5 40 hours a week" exploitation for the rest of my life. I don't want my loved ones to die before me. I don't want to wake up every morning.

I don't fear the method. I know where to aim, I know that with the caliber of the bullet it would destroy my brain. I don't fear ruining my body or shocking my roommates, or breaking my loved ones hearts, it would happen no matter what I do. I won't make too much of a mess if I do it in the bathtub, exit wound facing the side of the building. I've thought it out perfectly. And yet. I'm scared I don't mean it.

Sometimes I am happy. Seeing my friends smiles and laughs and voices has made it worth it up to this point. I've been stressed, sure, but I've had a cushy, privileged life. Am I faking it? Will I just pussy out, will SI win again? Sometimes I struggle imagining myself going through with it.

Is this normal? Do people with good lives want to die, too?

 

[Holu]

People with good lives can absolutely be depressed and suicidal. It has to do with how complex happiness, or at least lasting contentment is. It's the same reason that richer countries paradoxically are more depressed than lower income countries. The truth is happiness is just hard af to achieve.

There are some more concrete explanations for this, but they are all just theories, things like maslows hierarchy, hedonic treadmill, imposter syndrome, and many more, but regardless of the why the statistics still stand. As such your 100% valid in the way you feel regardless of whatever fortunes or joys you have in life.

As for the actual SI concerns and unsurness your experiencing my advice is to simply wait. You have everything planned out, which is good, and since you already have accepted everything and your mindset is in the correct place then should you have an emotional breakdown and act on it, you'd still be doing so with the guidance of a clear mind. But all that said, I still recommend you just wait, either for that breakdown, or for such a conviction towards death that you can overcome your SI. Whilst I don't want you to suffer, I also don't want you to make a choice your not at least 99% sure of.

Ultimately the decision is up to you, and that's the beauty of it. It's your life, your death. You choose the how and when, and if your not 100% sure then you can choose to wait until you are. There are many people who have been on this forum for longer than one would expect given the nature of this place, and while they may continue to live for a while, it doesn't take away their surety that they will inevitably die and early death. There are many reasons to wait, and it's okay to do so.

 

[shadow999]

If you feel like if you can get better you should. IMO CTB should always be an option though. For me I have nothing left
and can no longer feel love and emotion. Anyways OP regardless of your choice I wish you the best. In my research I think I remember learning that it's normal to ideate about suicide.

 

[Virsus]

I think that if you have doubts - it's too early to do it. You can wait or try to improve your life. Gradually it may become easier for you, but it is not guaranteed.
My personal opinion is that you must be absolutely sure that you want it.
In any case, I support your decision, whatever it may be.

 

[mrtime87]

I have desired death for so long. Almost half of my life. So many half hearted attempts that I cry to my parents or partners about after SI stops me, that or the pain of the method.

But now that I have access to a gun, I have a plan. A real plan. Press a button and lights out. What I've always dreamed of. But I'm still afraid. I have friends that I love and love me, I have hobbies and a family, theres a real chance it actually could get better. Am I just stupid and immature for still dreaming about oblivion?

I don't want to live in this world. I don't want to be happy in this country. I don't want my tax dollars to directly fund a living hell somewhere else in the world just to "maintain our way of life." I don't want "9-5 40 hours a week" exploitation for the rest of my life. I don't want my loved ones to die before me. I don't want to wake up every morning.

I don't fear the method. I know where to aim, I know that with the caliber of the bullet it would destroy my brain. I don't fear ruining my body or shocking my roommates, or breaking my loved ones hearts, it would happen no matter what I do. I won't make too much of a mess if I do it in the bathtub, exit wound facing the side of the building. I've thought it out perfectly. And yet. I'm scared I don't mean it.

Sometimes I am happy. Seeing my friends smiles and laughs and voices has made it worth it up to this point. I've been stressed, sure, but I've had a cushy, privileged life. Am I faking it? Will I just pussy out, will SI win again? Sometimes I struggle imagining myself going through with it.

Is this normal? Do people with good lives want to die, too?

If your life can get better I honestly believe you should wait on CTB until you absolutely have no alternatives.

Think of how your friends would feel and family members. There's so much to live for if it can get better.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Here's the thing: A lot of people think gun is a safe, foolproof method. It's not. I don't care if you bought your first gun last week or if you've been firing them all your life. The simple fact is that your SI will kick in, cause a shaky hand, and create a very real chance that you miss the mark and wind up alive and horribly mangled. You might succeed but you also might not and the penalty for failing at this method is incredibly severe.

You are asking why someone in your situation -- friends, family, hobbies, and privilege -- would want to CTB. Honestly? I think you need to provide us with more info if you want us to answer that. What makes you upset enough that you have made these plans? I'm not accusing you of being fake by any stretch; it's just that your motives aren't clear from the text of what you posted.