Nexvyr
Member
- Nov 7, 2024
- 12
I grew up in a thoroughly communist family, and I feel very bad about not being a communist, while at the same time I think communism is terrible. My family suspects that I am not as far-extreme left as they are and has started signaling this by favoring my sibling, who is active in a communist youth organization. My life has revolved a great deal around my family, and because of that it feels impossible to keep going. It is not that I want to die, but rather that I do not feel that I have the option of living.
I don't understand why people think that suicide would be bad or wrong, and I believe that from a libertarian perspective one has complete ownership over one's own life and therefore also the right to end it. I have longed for, or felt that I was meant to die, for about five years, since I was 14, eventhough I had started to think about it long before that. I have previously tried to take my own life but unfortunately backed out or failed.
Recently I have started to reflect deeper regarding my ideological stance and am starting to think I might be some kind of left libertarian, due to my hate for any powerful government or other entity. I think I would like to live in a world with only a night-watch state, but that also doesn't have any kind of capitalism. At the same time I am active in an left-wing environmentalist political party and has a key role in my local division. That party isn't too keen on liberalism in general and is quite pro-state. Which makes me sometimes feel that I am campaigning for and debating for policys I don't even myself believe in.
A few times I worry that my family or party colleagues would be able to read my mind and somehow know that I am not really one of them. It feels like my life is a lie waiting to be exposed.
Even worse is that I have a few times thought good things about far-leftism, thoughts I often think might been planted in my head by my family.
I want to be myself, but at the same time I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was only another gullible commie.
I don't understand why people think that suicide would be bad or wrong, and I believe that from a libertarian perspective one has complete ownership over one's own life and therefore also the right to end it. I have longed for, or felt that I was meant to die, for about five years, since I was 14, eventhough I had started to think about it long before that. I have previously tried to take my own life but unfortunately backed out or failed.
Recently I have started to reflect deeper regarding my ideological stance and am starting to think I might be some kind of left libertarian, due to my hate for any powerful government or other entity. I think I would like to live in a world with only a night-watch state, but that also doesn't have any kind of capitalism. At the same time I am active in an left-wing environmentalist political party and has a key role in my local division. That party isn't too keen on liberalism in general and is quite pro-state. Which makes me sometimes feel that I am campaigning for and debating for policys I don't even myself believe in.
A few times I worry that my family or party colleagues would be able to read my mind and somehow know that I am not really one of them. It feels like my life is a lie waiting to be exposed.
Even worse is that I have a few times thought good things about far-leftism, thoughts I often think might been planted in my head by my family.
I want to be myself, but at the same time I feel like my life would be so much easier if I was only another gullible commie.
