I want to ctb tonight and I'm so alone

[Bosty]

Im planning for the stat method with SN tonight and I'm realizing how much I don't want to die. I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life and I've been crying all day. I can hardly speak without crying and have been hiding from my family almost the entire day. I'm terrified, and I'm so alone. I'm planning to leave around 2am, and hoping this works. I have no antiemetics, but I will prepare four cups of SN should I throw up. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. This world wasn't made for people like me. I never had a chance. I'm so scared. I want to reach out to somebody, but I know that I can't. So this is it. I can't handle being so alone anymore.

 

[happy?1270]

I suppose I'll be the first to wish you peace!
Also do you have an antacid? It's also important and is simple to get if you've forgotten! (sorry for stating the obvious, just wanted to make sure)

 

[Bosty]

I suppose I'll be the first to wish you peace!
Also do you have an antacid? It's also important and is simple to get if you've forgotten! (sorry for stating the obvious, just wanted to make sure)

Yes I've got antacid, painkillers, Dramamine (I figure it shouldn't hurt anything) as well as mouthwash and mints :)

 

[BetterInthanOut]

Im planning for the stat method with SN tonight and I'm realizing how much I don't want to die. I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life and I've been crying all day. I can hardly speak without crying and have been hiding from my family almost the entire day. I'm terrified, and I'm so alone. I'm planning to leave around 2am, and hoping this works. I have no antiemetics, but I will prepare four cups of SN should I throw up. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. This world wasn't made for people like me. I never had a chance. I'm so scared. I want to reach out to somebody, but I know that I can't. So this is it. I can't handle being so alone anymore.

Listen, if you're not sure that you want to ctb, don't do it- you have to be sure. Is there a reason why you can't take another day or two to really figure things out? If you decide it's what you want then we'll support you, but it breaks my heart to think that you might go through with this when you still have doubts about it. I hope you find peace

 

[Bosty]

Listen, if you're not sure that you want to ctb, don't do it- you have to be sure. Is there a reason why you can't take another day or two to really figure things out? If you decide it's what you want then we'll support you, but it breaks my heart to think that you might go through with this when you still have doubts about it. I hope you find peace

I appreciate the concern, and I've been thinking about it for the past 8 years now, the world is better off without me. The most I can possibly do is hurt the people I love.

 

[happy?1270]

[/QUOTE]
oh ops I sound horrible... I didn't read don't want to die... Do think please if you are uncertain. death will wait for you...

 

[BetterInthanOut]

I appreciate the concern, and I've been thinking about it for the past 8 years now, the world is better off without me. The most I can possibly do is hurt the people I love.

If that's what you've decided then I wish you the best of luck, I hope you that don't suffer and that you go quickly. Take care

 

[happy?1270]

Good kit btw! I'm also planning on using Dramamine when I decide to go. I've heard many opinions on if it is likely to work or is simply just better than nothing. It would be useful to document your experience.

 

[Bosty]

The reality is that I could live my whole life out no problem, I have the potential for any future dream career or whatever, but it all comes at a cost. I will be forever alone. As I saw someone else state "living is a sin." Life without love is simply not worth it. I'm ending it all for the good of the world. I was born without a chance. It's impossible for me to win, and there is no reason to prolong the pain.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

Im planning for the stat method with SN tonight and I'm realizing how much I don't want to die. I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life and I've been crying all day. I can hardly speak without crying and have been hiding from my family almost the entire day. I'm terrified, and I'm so alone. I'm planning to leave around 2am, and hoping this works. I have no antiemetics, but I will prepare four cups of SN should I throw up. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. This world wasn't made for people like me. I never had a chance. I'm so scared. I want to reach out to somebody, but I know that I can't. So this is it. I can't handle being so alone anymore.

We are here. You are not alone. *hugs*

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Im planning for the stat method with SN tonight and I'm realizing how much I don't want to die. I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life and I've been crying all day. I can hardly speak without crying and have been hiding from my family almost the entire day. I'm terrified, and I'm so alone. I'm planning to leave around 2am, and hoping this works. I have no antiemetics, but I will prepare four cups of SN should I throw up. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. This world wasn't made for people like me. I never had a chance. I'm so scared. I want to reach out to somebody, but I know that I can't. So this is it. I can't handle being so alone anymore.

I am sorry you're alone and in so much pain. We are here for you. May you find peace whatever you choose.

 

[AwokenToReality]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, and that you're feeling alone. I'm in exactly the same position as you, so I understand how it feels. I'm preparing to leave soon via SN too, and I'm tackling the thoughts of truly wanting to leave or not, and know how terrifying the situation is.

If you don't feel the time is right, you can always delay, it doesn't have to be rushed. Either way, whichever option you decide, I wish you peace.

 

[falloutcarter13]

First, my heart breaks for you...I understand all of your emotions.
That said, imho only, you don't sound like you want to go. CTBing in your situation...it just seems like maybe you should at least sit with it a while longer, until/if you can find some deeper peace with it. I understand not wanting to reach out for help, its a uniquely unhelpful experience (at least in my experience.) But you're in significant emotional distress, which is not a good state to be in when making the last decision you'll ever make. Even though you don't know me, I'm sending psychic hugs to you and I care. Please, if you're not 100% sure, wait until you *are*.

 

[Rook86]

It seems to me you're borderline acting impulsively; take your time, seek out friends; for me loneliness is a real issue

 

[Bosty]

Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I'll see how I feel tonight (in about 4 hours) after mixing the SN. If I am calm enough to drink it, I plan on going through with it. From what I've read, most people seem to freak out or calm down immensely at the moment of taking it. However, I realize that I'm not in a rush, and could even try again as soon as tomorrow. I've just been putting it off for a year already, and I know that if I don't force myself to ctb, I'll never be in the right mindset and situation to end it peacefully. (as in I need ~8 hours in advance for fasting)

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I'll see how I feel tonight (in about 4 hours) after mixing the SN. If I am calm enough to drink it, I plan on going through with it. From what I've read, most people seem to freak out or calm down immensely at the moment of taking it. However, I realize that I'm not in a rush, and could even try again as soon as tomorrow. I've just been putting it off for a year already, and I know that if I don't force myself to ctb, I'll never be in the right mindset and situation to end it peacefully. (as in I need ~8 hours in advance for fasting)

Whatever you decide, may you finally have peace. We are here for you.

 

[Emily123]

You are not alone . we are with you

 

[Bosty]

Just took 600mg ibuprofen, almost didn't get up to my alarm, feeling calm, however, based on the feel in my stomach after the 10ish hours of fasting I did, I can see myself throwing up the SN. I'm gonna run to the bathroom one last time.

 

[Emily123]

Just took 600mg ibuprofen, almost didn't get up to my alarm, feeling calm, however, based on the feel in my stomach after the 10ish hours of fasting I did, I can see myself throwing up the SN. I'm gonna run to the bathroom one last time.

You can postpone it if you don't feel good now .Next time you may need less fasting

 

[Bosty]

Just wrote a simple note and turned on some music. Almost ready to cry again, but I think I can calm down. I'm gonna go premeasure the water in all 4 cups, and take 2 50mg Dramamine tablets.
Wooow I suck at swallowing pills dry. Dramamine is nasty after sitting in your mouth for almost an entire minute. Had to take a little sip of water for those 2 pills
Leaving it in my mouth for so long makes it feel kinda numb, weird. Two tagamet is next at 3:10
Fml my 3:00 alarm just scared me half to death.
Am now sucking on a lifesaver mint for the gross taste of the Dramamine.

 

[clocktower]

we're all here with you no matter what your decided outcome is. i hope you find the peace you deserve no matter what you do.

 

[Bosty]

Tagamet down, now we wait... I'm planning on leaving my phone turned off in the bathroom after mixing the drink, to prevent myself from calling ems. I have no idea how life works after a failed suicide attempt, I've never had anybody close to me attempt, and I've never done so myself, so if I live idk when I'll have access here again.
I wonder if I should have let myself cry, so my family could see my dried tears and know that it wasn't easy. Too late now I guess. I don't wanna lose this commitment.
According to my watch, my heart rate is at ~100 and I'm very stressed.
I'm gonna start measuring the SN out now, probably 23grams per 50ml
Yikes my family is still awake. Maybe I made too much noise

 

[FriendofDeath]

Why do you believe you will always be alone if you stay? I can relate to being without hope. It reaches all the way, into your soul. You said you don't want to die. Are you now comfortable with your decision? Don't let anyone influence you. Please.

Whatever your decision, I support you. Know we are here. Sending you light and love to protect and comfort you on whatever journey you take.

 

[Bosty]

I don't wanna wait too long after taking all these drugs
I'm only making three drinks cuz mixing is a but loud

Why do you believe you will always be alone if you stay? I can relate to being without hope. It reaches all the way, into your soul. You said you don't want to die. Are you now comfortable with your decision? Don't let anyone influence you. Please.

Whatever your decision, I support you. Know we are here. Sending you light and love to protect and comfort you on whatever journey you take.

I was born without a chance, it doesn't matter when I die, my whole life had been and will be full of pain. I want to end it now.

 

[Flump]

 

[FriendofDeath]

Much peace to you, @Bosty!

 

[Bosty]

3 drinks mixed, I put about 21-22gm in each, it took a while but all the crystals look dissolved. I'm going to simply leave my phone out of reach, and hope if I throw up it is quiet.

Thanks for being here with me, should I survive I will let you all know, you were here for me to vent when nobody else was there for me. You've helped me a tremendous amount mentally, and in no way did I feel pressured to ctb. Thanks again. This will hopefully be my last post.

 

[not4us]

hope if I throw up it is quiet.

grunting and moaning won't be quiet...

 

[WornOutLife]

3 drinks mixed, I put about 21-22gm in each, it took a while but all the crystals look dissolved. I'm going to simply leave my phone out of reach, and hope if I throw up it is quiet.

Thanks for being here with me, should I survive I will let you all know, you were here for me to vent when nobody else was there for me. You've helped me a tremendous amount mentally, and in no way did I feel pressured to ctb. Thanks again. This will hopefully be my last post.

I hope everything's okay and you get the peace you deserve.
I'm glad you thought it through and were decisive in the end because as BetterInThanOut said, you gotta be 100% sure about CTB.

The phone off was a wise choice, I'll take it into account when my time comes.

 

[Emily123]

3 drinks mixed, I put about 21-22gm in each, it took a while but all the crystals look dissolved. I'm going to simply leave my phone out of reach, and hope if I throw up it is quiet.

Thanks for being here with me, should I survive I will let you all know, you were here for me to vent when nobody else was there for me. You've helped me a tremendous amount mentally, and in no way did I feel pressured to ctb. Thanks again. This will hopefully be my last post.

we are here for you . i hope everthing goes very peacefully and you don't even want to use your phone