Venting I want to CTB, but...

[blairbear64]

But there's some things that, when i think of it being gone forever, when I think of no longer being able to perceive them anymore... its really sad.

Strawberries taste so good
And the sun feels so nice

I feel so conflicted. There are some things about being alive I do love, but I just don't know if it's worth it, or if I can handle it.

There are some things to love, but im so tired. So tired of the things that aren't so lovely. There are so many more terrible things, they outweigh the good by a lot... even if I want to be here, it means nothing if I literally can't function here. Just because I want to be here for those things I love, doesn't mean I should be....

Its like a toxic relationship. You love the person, when they make you happy, you're sooo happy... but more often than not, they don't make you happy. They make you unbelievably sad. For a long time, you convince yourself it isn't that bad. You say to yourself "but these things make me happy! I am happy!" But you know the truth... you're just scared to let go, to lose what you know, lose that comfort you've found in the pain... its all you know, even if leaving is for the best.

I hope one day I gain the courage to leave this toxic relationship.

Damn you, Strawberries.

 

[hwaiting]

The concept of nothingness is definitely one of the scariest parts about it all. I'm definitely not ready for that yet. People say that those who are scared of death just haven't had a life well-lived—often affluent people, mind you, but there are so many things I want to do. The idea of nothingness is one of the reasons why I still like to hold on whatever ties I have to the religion I grew up with

 

[blairbear64]

The concept of nothingness is definitely one of the scariest parts about it all. I'm definitely not ready for that yet. People say that those who are scared of death just haven't had a life well-lived—often affluent people, mind you, but there are so many things I want to do. The idea of nothingness is one of the reasons why I still like to hold on whatever ties I have to the religion I grew up with

I have some more spiritual beliefs in that sense, but it's really impossible to know, so despite what I believe, I'm still scared ill be wrong... I likely am, we likely all are... and the alternatives... its like, nothing seems better than the suffering I'm going through BUT what if it's worse? What if I'm alone with my thoughts for eternity? What if i become a spirit trapped here in between forever? What if hell DOES exist? Whatbif we have to see our families suffering and how our death effects them? Etc etc I could go on forever, the possibilities are endless and potentially worse than what I'm currently experiencing.... on top of losing the few things I do care about like my cat and the strawberries I mentioned before... I wish things were more certain. I wish we knew for sure that death was peaceful endless sleep

 

[sunshiningbackwards]

The concept of nothingness is definitely one of the scariest parts about it all. I'm definitely not ready for that yet. People say that those who are scared of death just haven't had a life well-lived—often affluent people, mind you, but there are so many things I want to do. The idea of nothingness is one of the reasons why I still like to hold on whatever ties I have to the religion I grew up with

it's really difficult to grasp and obviously I'm not enlightened or anything but one angle I like to look at it is that I've already experienced it. I was nothing before I was born, so I imagine it'll just be like that. Everyone is nothing, then they're something, then they're back to nothing. We spend more time being nothing than something and as far as I can remember, being nothing wasn't really that bad lol

 

[hwaiting]

I grew up Christian, and used to stay up at night because even the thought of heaven for eternity was terrifying to me. But nothingness is so much worse, really. You're not there to experience it anyways, but that's exactly it, really. I want to be here, but for as long as I can remember that hasn't really been true. Have been dealt really shitty cards, and I guess my brain's forgotten how to feel anything else, even though I've left the bad situation. That's what my therapist suggested, anyway. Spend so many years in that state and it becomes the default, it becomes natural

it's really difficult to grasp and obviously I'm not enlightened or anything but one angle I like to look at it is that I've already experienced it. I was nothing before I was born, so I imagine it'll just be like that. Everyone is nothing, then they're something, then they're back to nothing. We spend more time being nothing than something and as far as I can remember, being nothing wasn't really that bad lol

You have a point, but before we were born we'd never experienced 'existing' yet. And now we have, and now that 'nothing' is terrifying and our brains can't conceptualize it

 

[orca87]

There it is again. The feeling of nothingness.

At least, you find some joy in the small things, like strawberries. I really like that.

Ctb is a one-way. If there is any doubt, don't attempt. If there is doubt, any attempt is likely to fail which would make your situation even worse when you suffer from permanent damage.

I have written about my theory on depression centered around nothingness here and I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if you can relate. It might give you some points to try recovery before ctb as well:

My theory on depression

After ruminating about my own life, a lot of reading in this forum, and some valuable conversations in private messages, I found some common patterns that lead me to develop my own theory about depression. What is depression? There are many forms of depression in ICD-10 and DSM-5, and all of...

sanctioned-suicide.net

In any case, I feel you. The nothingness is all around for me, too. I am sorry that you feel this pain, it it probably the worst that you can feel. I hope you will find relief — but I hope you give recovery a try first for that matter

 

[Abandoned Character]

"Finally, I am here" we say in moments of elation

Of course, the feeling fades as the darkness returns

This familiar cycle, is it really worth it?

 

[charlotte_]

man, it truly is hard. Im in no place to tell you whether you should continue or leave, but i think you should try give it some time to sort things out in your mind, enjoy your time with the things you love and grasp opportunities if they come. death is really tempting yes, but to me, if you still have something to live for, even if it's as simple as strawberries and the sun, then that might means it's not your time yet. if the time ever comes, you're free to leave this world as your will, but for now, embrace all the suns and strawberries you have beside you. best wishes!

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that after all only you know when the time is right to leave this world, but it's true that there is no real relief from suffering as long as one exists here, this world is undeniably is such a hellish place. I very strongly believe that we cease to exist after this and I see nonexistence as being completely ideal as the dead have no want or need for anything, the non existent cannot suffer. But I wouldn't fear death as we are destined for nowhere but to cease existing anyway.