Venting I want to CTB but the guilt is eating me alive

[trouble]

I desperately want to CTB — I see no future for myself and my problems will not get fixed unless I start studying and start getting my stuff together, which I'm not willing to do.

For me, living just means more hate, bad thoughts, tears, and so on. While it might be true that the future will bring me some nice things as well — those are usually very short-lived, yet it feels like the bad things last so much longer.

But there's one thing keeping me from it:
My best friend.
They're the only one who are even willing to listen to my problems, someone who always makes me smile, and someone so beautiful and amazing in a lot of ways.
The thing is, they know. They know and after a while, they partly started to accept my choice.

I'm glad that they do, but yet I know how much it would pain them. I've tried pushing them away, but in the end, I couldn't bear the thought of losing them — and how much I'd hurt them with that action.

When I think of my best friend, I suddenly can't do it anymore, and that means, I'll have to go through yet another whole day again. I hate this.
I already have the date, and it's not that far away — the thought pf having to send them the goodbye-letter I've written makes me feel so, so guilty.

(Sorry, I just needed to vent a little)

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

I know how it feels. I have one friend of such caliber too, and she's the only one who can bear with me being suicidal without condescending bullshit. Though, in my case she's far away and has her own life going. I think she's strong enough to bear my departure, and this is my own life and my own decisions, so over time it became a non-factor.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry you feel this way and yes, it is hard to when the guilt is around you. I had times where I had short bursts of guilt and hesitation in the past, but now I'm very sure that this is the road for me, the road to CTB and then actually following through. My life sucks as well too and the amount of effort and time set to improve it (even if possible) just isn't worth it. The returns are still paltry in comparison to what should/could have been. Regardless of what most people think, I don't view my life worth living, I've simply held out longer than I should have, so my CTB is overdue.

 

[trouble]

I know how it feels. I have one friend of such caliber too, and she's the only one who can bear with me being suicidal without condescending bullshit. Though, in my case she's far away and has her own life going. I think she's strong enough to bear my departure, and this is my own life and my own decisions, so over time it became a non-factor.

Oh yeah, I assume it'd really be easier if there was some distance; and I totally agree with the fact that it's your life and that so, you have the right to do whatever you want with it.

 

[Ghost2211]

I understand. My children are why I am still here. I think you'll find as time passes those things become less and less of an issue if you truly want to CTB. if the people that tie us to this world are that strong a tether then perhaps over time we will find a way to cope and find a new path. Try to take it one day at a time and we are here for you.

 

[trouble]

I'm sorry you feel this way and yes, it is hard to when the guilt is around you. I had times where I had short bursts of guilt and hesitation in the past, but now I'm very sure that this is the road for me, the road to CTB and then actually following through. My life sucks as well too and the amount of effort and time set to improve it (even if possible) just isn't worth it. The returns are still paltry in comparison to what should/could have been. Regardless of what most people think, I don't view my life worth living, I've simply held out longer than I should have, so my CTB is overdue.

I'm glad that you managed to make a decision, and decide what's best for you :)
I hope that you'll have a peaceful journey when you do it

 

[foreveryoung]

What made me realize i was doing the right thing by CTBing is when I read about "Apoptosis" or cellular suicide. Apparently its a totally natural phenomena that goes on in our bodies. If you still think you are a valuable member of society and can manage to help others, if there is even a small possibility of this keep on living by all means. But if you're like me, who has just been a burden to others, and can't ever get myself to help out anyone (i really tried in many ways, but im just so tired and sick) im probaly better off just dead. It would lift the burden off everyones shoulders who would have to look after me. I can see that if i kept on going this way it would just get worse and cause a lot of grief. At the very least im going to try my best to make it look like an accident so they won't feel its their fault when im gone.

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's hard knowing who we are leaving behind and what we are leaving behind. For me, speaking from personal experience, I came to the conclusion that I had suffered enough for others peoples sake. I for once had to make a selfish choice. I hope you manage to find some peace and I'm glad that you have this friend

 

[departing]

It can be difficult to go through with it when you still have connections. Since I've cut my connections, it's become easier for me to make my final plans. I'm not suggesting that you dump your best friend but I understand the difficulty you're having in ctb'ing.