Venting I want to CTB but it really doesn't feel like there's a good way to do it.

[hisfailedprotector]

I've more or less ruined everything good in my life to a point where it would require stars to align for me to ever fix it, I've ruined a lot of things in terms of education, I badly hurt my now ex boyfriend in a number of ways that makes me feel like a monster, especially when he didn't deserve it and ESPECIALLY considering the fact that he's been through some fucked up shit before and I've made it so much worse for him. So at this point I really just want to throw in the towel and CTB, I want to commit suicide but the more I look into methods, the more I realise that the ones I have available to me absolutely suck, they either have a pretty high chance of causing brain damage instead of you dying or they require enough setup that someone would find out and would force me to stop. I'd like to shoot myself but I live in the UK and getting access to firearms isn't exactly easy.

tl;dr, Im a bad person who deserves to die but none of the methods seem right.