Venting I want to CTB as soon as possible

[ChocoPie]

I have absolutely no will to live, my life has been absolute garbage, the only thing that makes me happy is that death exists, I'm not romanticizing it...It is simply a fact that death will end all my suffering, I could die rn and nothing would matter to me anymore, I want to die as soon as possible so I won't make anymore deep connections with people, I see so many ppl stuck in this because of how much they care abt their loved ones and how their death will hurt others, in my life only my dad genuinely cares about me and his sad devastated face appears in my mind everytime I think abt ending my life but I also know I can't keep living like this, it hurts so much.... I'll only cause more damage if I live any longer and that's why I wanna die as soon as possible, I'm studying methods for now.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to be gone, all I want is to never suffer in this cruel existence ever again, I really understand just wanting to be free from the suffering, I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[r.m.216]

I have absolutely no will to live, my life has been absolute garbage, the only thing that makes me happy is that death exists, I'm not romanticizing it...It is simply a fact that death will end all my suffering, I could die rn and nothing would matter to me anymore, I want to die as soon as possible so I won't make anymore deep connections with people, I see so many ppl stuck in this because of how much they care abt their loved ones and how their death will hurt others, in my life only my dad genuinely cares about me and his sad devastated face appears in my mind everytime I think abt ending my life but I also know I can't keep living like this, it hurts so much.... I'll only cause more damage if I love any longer and that's why I wanna die as soon as possible, I'm studying methods for now.

I think we've all been there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find peace in whatever shape that may be

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
hope you find the relief you search for

 

[Djkicker]

I have absolutely no will to live, my life has been absolute garbage, the only thing that makes me happy is that death exists, I'm not romanticizing it...It is simply a fact that death will end all my suffering, I could die rn and nothing would matter to me anymore, I want to die as soon as possible so I won't make anymore deep connections with people, I see so many ppl stuck in this because of how much they care abt their loved ones and how their death will hurt others, in my life only my dad genuinely cares about me and his sad devastated face appears in my mind everytime I think abt ending my life but I also know I can't keep living like this, it hurts so much.... I'll only cause more damage if I live any longer and that's why I wanna die as soon as possible, I'm studying methods for now.

Im sorry to hear how you are feeling. Having loved ones is a good thing, right?
Does your dad know what you are going through?
Sending best wishes

 

[ChocoPie]

Im sorry to hear how you are feeling. Having loved ones is a good thing, right?
Does your dad know what you are going through?
Sending best wishes

Yea, having loved ones is a good thing but the fact I'm going to hurt my dad so much once I leave....it just doesn't help, my dad doesn't know abt any of this, I'll be in so much trouble if anyone in my family gets to know abt my condition that's why I'm trying to act all normal, If someone were to know abt this in my family then I will probably just get scolded a lot and I'll have even less freedom as a result I'll be forced to live much longer.

 

[Djkicker]

That's a tough situation to be in. Sometimes talking about your feelings can help you get perspective. Not suggesting to change your mind but it might help. Even if you don't know the person, just putting your thoughts out there can be good. I'm happy to talk!
How long have you felt this way? Can you identify when or what made it start?

 

[It'sFine]

I have absolutely no will to live, my life has been absolute garbage, the only thing that makes me happy is that death exists, I'm not romanticizing it...It is simply a fact that death will end all my suffering, I could die rn and nothing would matter to me anymore, I want to die as soon as possible so I won't make anymore deep connections with people, I see so many ppl stuck in this because of how much they care abt their loved ones and how their death will hurt others, in my life only my dad genuinely cares about me and his sad devastated face appears in my mind everytime I think abt ending my life but I also know I can't keep living like this, it hurts so much.... I'll only cause more damage if I live any longer and that's why I wanna die as soon as possible, I'm studying methods for now.

When do you plan on it???
Your situation is similar to mine...

 

[ChocoPie]

When do you plan on it???
Your situation is similar to mine...

Now that I've got my SN, I have to find abt my parent's plan these days and I'll choose the day when they both will be out for some hours

 

[Freedomm]

Now that I've got my SN, I have to find abt my parent's plan these days and I'll choose the day when they both will be out for some hours

My parents would have noticed right away why I don't eat for eight hours

 

[ChocoPie]

My parents would have noticed right away why I don't eat for eight hours

I don't think that would be a problem for me, I mean - noone eats all night then at morning I can just skip breakfast...they mostly leave after that, they won't know if I have eaten lunch or not if they r outside, plus since my ED I have gotten pretty good in faking that I've eaten.
It's common for me to skip meals whenever I want, they have gotten used to it