i want to be loved.

[carnivalforone]

i always love completely and unconditionally when it comes to relationships i always try my best i always understand i always put their happiness first so they dont leave me, yet i havent been able to keep a single one. im not conventionally attractive, i dont have money, all i have is a pure heart in this fucked generation, but nobody cares. i just wanna find someone who will love me as much as i love. i just want to be happy, since i was a child all ive ever yearned for is love. i fell in love for the first time in 1st grade so younger than most, then again and harder, then again and harder, till recently i did everything for a partner i was so deadset on being my longterm. i knew her parents i had her baby pictures i sent her flowers i reassured her i protected her, a year and a half gone in a single text. now i feel betrayed, now i feel like i never really loved her, and im aware enough to know thats a trauma response and its me trying to deal with it but i really wanted to just be happy and love unconditionally. why does god hate me. why do i always have to be reminded im not worthy of love. why cant i have anything good. My childhood was hellish, my upbringing and my life so far at 19 has been failure after failure. i know im probably gonna get the usual "youre so young" "you have your whole life to find someone better". i cant. i cant live long enough for that, she was my last try she was what was keeping me here, i cant survive without love, it has to be a mental issue being addicted to the thought of love. i hate myself. i hate what i am and that i think so much, i hate that i was given a cursed body, a cursed family, a cursed life, and banished from love. i have money saved for some stupid dreams that will never come true now. im gonna get a motorcycle and just fullforce it into a rail. im exhausted. somebody help me.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

I'm sorry to hear that. I feel pretty similarly and can relate. People always say "you need to love yourself first if you want to be loved by others" but it's such a bullshit. How can I love myself if I feel worthless, ugly and dumb? The only time I managed to love myself the slightest is when I had a person who genuinely loved me. And now I'm left alone, feeling all miserably again. I know love probably could have saved me, but I also know I won't find it and killing myself is gonna be the end of my story.
It's pretty fucking tough and painful being unlovable and realizing that.
At least nobody really holds you back from CTBing I guess :/ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Lost love is why I am killing myself.

 

[BlazingBob]

My default setting is you're a worthless, unlovable, pile of shit, failure of a human being. I try telling myself it's not true and is a product of horrific abuse and trauma but my self hate runs deep and it's a never ending struggle to counter those thoughts and false beliefs. Then, I look at my life and think maybe it is all true because I've never had a long term relationship except once in my 20s, it ending with her cheating on me. I've never been even close to marriage which is something I've always wanted. Now at 51 with a gaggle of debilitating physical health problems and facing imminent homelessness and destitution I'm not exactly a good catch and was told so the other day by a woman I've been hanging out with and having sex with occasionally. Like I'm just something to occupy her time until her knight shows up. She also told me her mom would never accept me. I've had so many mini relationships I've lost count. I'm a 'Mr. Right Now'. It's a horrible pattern and it hurts. At this point with my physical problems, lack of friends and family and money I'm just done. Does this make sense at all? Can anyone relate to this? Sorry for the ramble.

 

[carnivalforone]

I'm sorry to hear that. I feel pretty similarly and can relate. People always say "you need to love yourself first if you want to be loved by others" but it's such a bullshit. How can I love myself if I feel worthless, ugly and dumb? The only time I managed to love myself the slightest is when I had a person who genuinely loved me. And now I'm left alone, feeling all miserably again. I know love probably could have saved me, but I also know I won't find it and killing myself is gonna be the end of my story.
It's pretty fucking tough and painful being unlovable and realizing that.
At least nobody really holds you back from CTBing I guess :/ Or at least that's what I keep telling myself

yeah it is indeed easier to think about ctb now.

Lost love is why I am killing myself.

i saw your post from like november and i knew id find you here.

Lost love is why I am killing myself.

i saw your post from like november and i knew id find you here.

My default setting is you're a worthless, unlovable, pile of shit, failure of a human being. I try telling myself it's not true and is a product of horrific abuse and trauma but my self hate runs deep and it's a never ending struggle to counter those thoughts and false beliefs. Then, I look at my life and think maybe it is all true because I've never had a long term relationship except once in my 20s, it ending with her cheating on me. I've never been even close to marriage which is something I've always wanted. Now at 51 with a gaggle of debilitating physical health problems and facing imminent homelessness and destitution I'm not exactly a good catch and was told so the other day by a woman I've been hanging out with and having sex with occasionally. Like I'm just something to occupy her time until her knight shows up. She also told me her mom would never accept me. I've had so many mini relationships I've lost count. I'm a 'Mr. Right Now'. It's a horrible pattern and it hurts. At this point with my physical problems, lack of friends and family and money I'm just done. Does this make sense at all? Can anyone relate to this? Sorry for the ramble.

youre fine, youre strong, living this long, i cant see myself making it to 25 much less 30 and now that ive lost my last chance at love, i think ill be gone by 20. what a cruel world.