Venting I want to be a boy

[3spiral]

ok maybe I don't want to BE a boy. like, I don't wanna have a dick, but I certainly want to look like one, and be a little bit of a part of the masculine universe

sometimes I feel like I'm just a straight boy who's inside a female's body and that's why I feel attracted to myself when I look in the mirror. this body isn't really me. I'm inside, somewhere, and this is just another woman that I see in front of me so of course I'm gonna feel attracted to her

I don't want to be biologically a boy though, because I don't think that what I have between my legs really changes who I am (and I also don't want to have body hair, ew) also I just think that being afab is more convenient, but I have tried to hide and bind my chest many times during my adolescence and I have considered top surgery before

sometimes I also look at the group of boys at school and I kinda wish they would see me the same way they see each other, even though I like having female friends and I feel safe around them. I feel like I could be more myself if I were a boy (ignoring the masculine pressure of being "tough" because I'm really soft lol)

I like makeup and some more feminine clothing, but not clothes that are conventionally made for women. for example, I'm terrified of cropped shirts, dresses and skirts (even though I liked them when I was a kid? because they made me feel more "free" as there was less contact between clothing and my skin and stopped liking them as soon as my body started to "mature"), and I also don't like when makeup makes me look too feminine. like, a boy who isn't really afraid of looking feminine but also doesn't want to be mistaken as a woman. if you like MCR think about the way that gerard expresses his gender

I would sometimes pretend to be a boy in games as a kid too lol. but I didn't mind being a girl

idk if I'm transgender or a tomboy or I'm just insecure and that makes me think I would have more confidence as a boy but this thing always seems to come back no matter how much I try to ignore it

I posted this here because I know there is a lot of transgender people in sasu and I would love to talk about it and see if anyone relates to me or if I'm just delusional

 

[DashofPepper]

im mtf but i kinda relate to the sort of things youre saying, like my ideal presentation varies between faggy guy and butch lesbian but like if i try and wear someting too masculine i feel super uncomfortable.
for me not minding your gender is not the same as finding happiness in it.
if youre unsure then just experiment like masculinity and femininity are not monoliths and you dont have to see yourself as a super buff cowboy to be a man. genders all made up anyway so i wouldnt get bogged down in labels.

 

[3spiral]

im mtf but i kinda relate to the sort of things youre saying, like my ideal presentation varies between faggy guy and butch lesbian but like if i try and wear someting too masculine i feel super uncomfortable.
for me not minding your gender is not the same as finding happiness in it.
if youre unsure then just experiment like masculinity and femininity are not monoliths and you dont have to see yourself as a super buff cowboy to be a man. genders all made up anyway so i wouldnt get bogged down in labels.

yeah, I don't like worryig about labels either. I want to do whatever makes me happy, but I still feel the need to understand myself because I feel sort of uncomfortable with being called a woman, a she or by my own name sometimes and I want to be able to communicate this without sounding stupid or regretting it later because I was just confused and it's not who I really am

 

[if_i_make_it]

hi! im a trans man whos been socially transitioning for 10 years and on T for nearly 3, and I just got top surgery last month. and what youre saying here is very relatable to my experiences.

every single one of those decisions is hands down the best ones I ever made for my life. It's definitely scary and unsure and awkward at first. It's very normal to feel like an imposter in either label. Maybe your goals won't look the same as mine, but I will say not for a second have I regretted the moment 10 years ago I decided I was transgender.

i didn't mind being a girl when I was a child, I would dress up and wear pink etc. but probably around age 10 I felt very weird in my body and up through my teens was very disassociated from it and began to be very disassociated from my life as a whole. I would have panic attacks whenever I would get close to people because it felt like a lie- before I even realized I wanted to be a boy. My first relationship as a boy was like, the best ive ever felt in my life lol. it was the first thing that had ever felt right and I had ever felt present in.

Anyway, I agree with the other comment, you don't have to worry about labels, and you don't have to jump right in. I hope my experience can help you figure some things out. I don't think you're delusional either way.