I want someone to know

[-nobodyknows-]

I wish that I could be honest with someone about myself. I want to tell them how much I am suffering, how much I want to harm myself, and talk about my past. I don't really know why. "Attention" seems like the wrong word, as does "Pity". I think I just want someone to care about me, one way or another. It feels manipulative though. Twisted. As if I would be using them for my own comfort.

And yet, when I've told people in the past, it never brought me comfort. The way they would look at me, the fear and pain in their eyes, just made me feel so despondent. While it is such a relief being able to be talk about my feelings with someone I trust, the result is often just as bad as, if not worse than, the previous situation. I know normal people cannot handle that sort of thing.

If only it were acceptable to be honest about such things. To be more forward about needing emotional support from others. However, I know all too well how corrosive my feelings can be. Much like a flame, when others become involved in trying to help me, they risk catching fire themselves.

I once knew someone a long time ago. They called me out on my lies one day. Somehow, they could tell how I was feeling. And so, I decided to be honest with them. But, in the end, it was too much. Listening to me talk about myself took a toll on their own mental health, and so they had to go away.

I am so terrified of that happening again. But I am also terrified of the possibility that I will never be able to be honest with anyone about myself. I do not know what to do.

I wish that someone could see through me again. Someone who could handle that side of me, and who cared enough to stay. I want to be everything to them. Such a person would mean everything to me. But I know all too well that such a person does not exist. I am fated to live my life alone, until I can no longer stand to.

 

[bland_mammal]

I wish that I could be honest with someone about myself. I want to tell them how much I am suffering, how much I want to harm myself, and talk about my past. I don't really know why. "Attention" seems like the wrong word, as does "Pity". I think I just want someone to care about me, one way or another. It feels manipulative though. Twisted. As if I would be using them for my own comfort.

I recently learned why people self-harm. Well, I learned why I started. I always thought that it was to feel something, but for me, it was that the physical pain distracted me from my emotional pain.

If it makes you feel any better, anyone who wants to listen to you does so for their own benefit. Altruism doesn't exist. Even if they rationalize being a conversation partner or confidant as doing something nice for someone else, they're still doing it because they want to do that for someone.

I wish that someone could see through me again. Someone who could handle that side of me, and who cared enough to stay. I want to be everything to them. Such a person would mean everything to me. But I know all too well that such a person does not exist. I am fated to live my life alone, until I can no longer stand to.

I really like your writing style. You English real good!

I log in here only every now and then – maybe every couple of weeks – and it's getting late now in the Western hemisphere, but if you'd like, I'm down to chat. Well, depending on the pace of the conversation, it might be more pen pal than chat.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

This is why I stopped talking to people, you want someone to care, but in the end nobody cares (enough) for you to feel better, so that makes it only worse. You'll never get enough care to make that feeling go away, it's just selfharm in a way…

 

[crocune]

U can talk to people here. Were all anonymous and gone thru similar shit or else why we all wanna ctb?

 

[Jadeith]

I am so terrified of that happening again. But I am also terrified of the possibility that I will never be able to be honest with anyone about myself. I do not know what to do.

Got similar dilemma. Opened once to someone for supposed mutual benefit. You know - "you tell me yours, i'll tel you mine, we all will feel better afterwards" kind of conversation. So we did. Partially worked. Sharing their burdens helped them but when my turn came, scared living shit out of poor kid. Not sure if i ever believe someone saying that they are strong enough to hear me out.