Venting I want friends, but at the same time I don't

[potablewater784]

I don't really write much, so sorry if my thoughts sound disconnected or cut short. I'll start with some history.

When I was a kid, I remember that I would often ask my mom if I could have friends come over to our house, but she would always respond that it was too dirty and wouldn't let me. Because of this, I didn't really have friends growing up and now I have no idea how to form relationships with people. It seemed so unfair to me and I resent her for it. Things got worse for me later when my older sisters went to college. Since they were the only people that I had much of a relationship with, I felt a lot more alone. Of course, I still had my parents and my other sister (who's my twin) but I honestly didn't and still don't have much of a relationship with them.

Fast forward to now and I still don't have friends. That doesn't mean I haven't tried, though. Like when I was in high school, I had some friends that I played Exploding Kittens (it's a great card game) with during lunch. There were two of them that I felt somewhat close to (one of them I actually met in 3rd or 4th grade and hadn't talked to in years, so it was nice to talk to him again) and the other three not so much. I still enjoyed all of their company, though. But those three would cheat a lot and that always angered me, but I didn't really ever say anything and I hate that I didn't. With the other two we made a group on Discord and talked a few times, but I found myself pulling myself away from them because I was afraid of developing too close a relationship with them.

I think that my problem is that I find it way too hard to tell people when they upset me and when I want to be alone. Most of the things that upset me really aren't that serious (such as cheating in a card game) and could be resolved really easily, but I just cant tell people when I'm upset and I have no idea how to do it. The same applies to wanting to be alone, which is a big deal for me because I'm rather introverted

I feel lonely sometimes but it's much better than having friends, I think. I'd love to work out my problems, but I don't even know where to start, since this (and other things) have been a problem for all of my life. And I honestly don't have the motivation to do something like that. I'm just frustrated and kind of sad because I'm just watching life pass me by. Thanks for listening to me vent

 

[ewigeruhe]

Hi, i understand your stituation and frankly some of us are just not made out to socialize or to be at peace around others. For me it is rather the case that i am fundamentally a hermit type. I had many acquaintences through out the years but i never reciprocate the "friendship". I just don't seem to care about other people but that doesn't mean that i act in any way malicous or bad. I just prefer to be alone and at peace with myself and generally i feel stressed in all situations around people.
In addition to that i always wear the mask of a competent and normal human every time im out in the world this is very draining for me as well.
If you really want friends or a friendship you could for example try find someone through a hobby you have or interest of yours and for the abbility to tell others that you don't like something that is something that needs practicing and confidence. It is hard to acquire for people like us but not impossible.

I wish you the best!

 

[potablewater784]

Thank you! It helps to know that it's not just me. I completely agree that it's draining to be out in the world, a lot of times when I am I feel like I can't take it anymore.
I've thought about that before, but I never seem to be able to make the jump to actually talk with somebody. I think it's mostly just fear, but if I developed that ability I wouldn't be afraid anymore
I wish the best for you too

 

[ewigeruhe]

Thank you! It helps to know that it's not just me. I completely agree that it's draining to be out in the world, a lot of times when I am I feel like I can't take it anymore.
I've thought about that before, but I never seem to be able to make the jump to actually talk with somebody. I think it's mostly just fear, but if I developed that ability I wouldn't be afraid anymore
I wish the best for you too

Thanks yeah it's hard i am at a point were i don't talk to anyone for months now other then a one liner while buying something to eat even while still working i only spoke to other people if i needed to. I always feel it's just not worth the effort because in the end i will distance myself from anyone anyway.
I think the only reason i am communicating in this forum is that i don't feel any obligation and know that it will end with me CTB soon.

 

[potablewater784]

Yeah I don't really talk to people unless I need to either. And I dread it when I have to, like if I go to the store or a fast food restaurant or something of the sort. I totally get not thinking its worth it because you'll end up distancing yourself, I do the same thing. I'm pretty new to this forum, but I really appreciate that there's not much obligation. It feels nice. I hope you find relief from whatever youre suffering, be it through ctb or something else

 

[FuneralCry]

I have always preferred to be alone than be around others. To me, people can be tiring and can often just make things worse. I'm sorry that you suffer. I wish you the best.

 

[foreverfalling]

I'm quite similar to what you described. Our childhood experiences really shape and define the way we are. Maybe it is a certain difference in viewpoint and arriving at different conclusions that makes it difficult to relate to people, like how cheating was no big deal for them but it is for you. I sometimes wonder, maybe people just have a certain expectation of other people that are very different to mine. I have a very idealistic expectation, which can never be met and is what causes my unhappiness.

 

[Achlys]

It feels like my social skills have regressed with age. Friends have come and gone, but I've inevitably pushed just about all of them away in some manner or another. In retrospect, I'm an awful friend and am poor at reciprocating, so it's probably for the best. I don't even bother trying to make friends nowadays. I feel lonely occasionally, but I don't mind the sentiment much and have come to appreciate solitude.

 

[Doombox]

It feels like my social skills have regressed with age. Friends have come and gone, but I've inevitably pushed just about all of them away in some manner or another. In retrospect, I'm an awful friend and am poor at reciprocating, so it's probably for the best. I don't even bother trying to make friends nowadays. I feel lonely occasionally, but I don't mind the sentiment much and have come to appreciate solitude.

I could have written your post. I imagine that the active members of this board represent a disproportionate percentage of isolated people. I can't imagine having to make small talk with someone I don't know well, so making new friends is probably not going to happen. The pandemic hasn't helped.